I understand the importance of you relationship with your body. I have not fully recovered. I am actually in one of the most intense places I have been in years. The reason for this is because I started working out, doing yoga and eating well. I also take a lot more time grooming. For years I had been completely emotionally numb. With all the time spent using my body I starting feeling emotions again. Most of them are anxiety, sadness and depression, but they are feelings. The hard part with grooming is seeing myself in the mirror and seeing how glazed over my eyes are and how my face is blank. Although it is upsetting to see myself this way, I have at least become aware of what is going on with me. So being in tune with my body has been the beginning of the change of my relationship with DP. I hope that over time this leads to recovery for me too.
When I speak I feel like my voice is coming from somewhere far away. I just don't even feel like I am human. People seems far away. My face goes blank and I stare into space a lot. My mind is constantly busy and I zone out a lot. I get weird physical sensations on top of that. My eyes blur and go out of focus, my hearing is bad, I get tingling in my face and my body feels numb like I am standing outside of it. I am somewhere between being highly sensitive and feeling totally numb all the time. It can be hard to relate to other people because they seem so alive and vibrant where I feel dead inside and disengaged from the world.
I have had these symptoms in some form for almost 12 years now. They were miss diagnosed as PTSD and I am only recently beginning to learn about DP/DR.
I started experiencing depersonalization symptoms when I was 17. It was triggered by an LSD trip. I started having a distorted sense of time, I thought I was dead and just didn't feel like myself. I was hospitalized and misdiagnosed with other dissociative disorders. From when I was about 18 - 30 I suppressed the feelings DP. I always knew something was wrong but I chose to ignore it. I went to school and am now in school again. Lately I have become more aware of the DP symptoms. When I speak and move it doesn't feel like me. I am also having what I can only describe as panic attacks. I feel numb. My head is always rushing. All these feelings are overwhelming and have lead to depression. I dream that I can just wake up one morning ad have these feelings go away but I know it is not that simple. Lately I am working on accepting the feelings and this is helping. It helps too, to have come to understand that I am not the only one who experiences this. I feel like my soul is outside my body and that I just want in to be back in place so I can feel normal.
I hope this website can help guide me through the process of recovery and remind me i am not alone.