I try so hard everyday and it's still here. My life is a mess. I am a mess. I can barely get up in the morning. I wish I could just make it stop. I want my brain to shut up. I want to stop having these feelings. I hate myself for it. I can barely function. Why won't it stop!?I am tired of being strong everyday. I want it to be gone. I never lost that hope that it will stop someday. I want it to be better. How can I go on like this? Sometimes I get so stressed I start to drool. I don't know how to stop it. My eyes are all glazed over. I look in the mirror and see someone who is vacant and it feels awful. I just want to feel human again. I want to look in the mirror and have my eyes engage and see myself. I don't want to be faking it through life anymore. I want to feel normal!!!!!!!!!!! I end up thinking about it all the time because it won't go away! GO AWAY!!!!!! I wish I could just wish it away. I wish I could just feel normal. GO AWAY! I want my life back. I want to smile again. I want my life back! I am so angry but I feel like I can't let it out. I feel like nothing comes out. I feel like just lying in a pile forever.
I understand the importance of you relationship with your body. I have not fully recovered. I am actually in one of the most intense places I have been in years. The reason for this is because I started working out, doing yoga and eating well. I also take a lot more time grooming. For years I had been completely emotionally numb. With all the time spent using my body I starting feeling emotions again. Most of them are anxiety, sadness and depression, but they are feelings. The hard part with grooming is seeing myself in the mirror and seeing how glazed over my eyes are and how my face is blank. Although it is upsetting to see myself this way, I have at least become aware of what is going on with me. So being in tune with my body has been the beginning of the change of my relationship with DP. I hope that over time this leads to recovery for me too.
I'm starting on my journey with acceptance. Today actually, I realized that I can fight everyday to make the symptoms go away, but this won't actually just make them magically go away. I felt so sad when I realized that I don't have much control over this and there is no magic wand that will make it all better. I wish I felt like myself again. The thing is though, that after I felt this wave of sadness, I felt more relaxed and able to think about things other than fixing my DP symptoms. So maybe this is the first step. As long as I have these weird sensations and panic attacks I will still do things that make me happy. I will still live my life. I feel less anxious about all the feelings and somehow they seem less frightening. Acceptance seems to be the new way to go for me too.