Had dpdr since the beginning of 2018. I had it cronically for about a year. Since then, its been off and on with existential depression. Im always open to talking to people so send me a pm if u need someone to chat with.
Im so done with fighting. Im done trying. I dont want to be here and i havent for a while. This is kinda venty more than anything. I feel like im never going to regain my emotions in a healthy way and i basically dont even want to right now. Im just so tired. I dont think im cut out for this life thing anymore. life makes literally no sense to me. I try and try and try to feel and act normal and say things i usually would but it doesnt help. The only thing different now is i dont feel anxiety over this anymore. I just dont feel anything and i dont want to feel good now, i just wish i wasnt here. I do stuff all day that makes me feel positive in a certain way, like say drawing something funny(im a cartoon artist) but the feeling it provokes i no longer crave and i havent been able to for a long time, i just do it to see if ill feel differently and to get a sense of normalcy. I dont even see a point to liking things or wanting things even. Things make no sense
If its any consolation and i hope this helps u feel less isolated but i think most people who get weird dissociative symptoms repeatedly "check" to see if they still have it or if they feel more normal and if they are in actual reality, etc...I did that the whole time i had it and still do occassionally cause i still got some issues.
What helped me with that was to understand that your awareness is the same as your will. Everything your doing IS you doing it, it just takes a while for you to reconnect to yourself. You can feel you exist, you know you do, and your will and ability to do things is yours. I know what its like. Its awful. It definently feels like your just an automatron, some kind of puppet or something. It gets easier, i had that same exact thing happen to me. I dont even have a problem with it anymore. Im just emotionally disconnected now.
I was on one for a bit but due to some circumstances, had to stop taking it but it was helping and hopefully ill be back on one soon. I just hope it helps. This problem seems totally unfixable. Ive like completely forgotten what feeling good or feeling bad even means.
I feel like im actually losing my mind. When you read thi, it probably will make no sense. When i got on here before, my biggest problem was existential shit. Im over that. I think im depersonalized or something again? I started really focusing on my inner experiance. Before, i could easily say "i deserve to feel good and have a good life". But i started focusing on my emotional world so much. I started not even being able to comprehend what these things are anymore. I see these feelings i am feeling but its like they are just there. When i focus on the way it feels, i can no longer say i want to feel it. Its just...there. Im like overly aware of things. I cant feel shit anymore. Before this i was obsessed with thinking that feeling nothing was the same as feeling good because its not feeling bad...that probably makes no sense because i soon realized, no because not feeling good means im feeling bad. Point is, i realized feeling good would be better than feeling nothing. But now it seems that feeling good or happy, even peaceful seems pointless. I think about the fact im alive so im aware and all that. I experiance things these things but they dont seem to be a part of me. When i think about being calm, it makes no sense anymore, its just a feeling or thing that is there in my perception and nothing more...feeling nice or positive doesnt even appeal anymore.
I cant feel anything at all. No negative, no positive. In fact, i cant even understand what these are anymore. All im aware of is the fact i exist. I dont feel good or bad. I have no drive for anything. I keep thinking dying is the only logical thing to do. I dont know why id want to feel good anymore. Its just a feeling. Im just existing. My feelings arnt even real, are they? The only thing that kept me from killing myself before was to prevent others from feeling the pain of my loss but now i dont even understand pain anymore. I dont understand anything. All i know and feel is i exist.
Posted by Emptyflask
on 28 January 2020 - 05:50 PM
Im always unable to finish a thought. Like its as if in the middle of something, my brain just shuts off and i am unable to access the information i was trying to get at. Lots of issues ive had with intrusive thoughts that i thought were put to rest always resurface because i forget how i resolved them. After ill resolve something, ill finally feel normal again, then i seem to forget what normal is or like the line is so blurred as to what normal even is anymore. Its hard to remember what life was like before all these mental issues. Like, i dont even know what to do anymore. I feel this fight is useless alot. That it doesnt matter. I often feel life is completely f*ckin pointless and that getting back to nomal doesnt even appeal anymore because my entire life seems like its been a huge pointless waste of time. Ive been spending time with my sister and her toddler and just thinking "why the fuck do we have children, what is the point to any of this nonsense?" not that i dont love the little guy but like life just seems so pointless, i dont understand why we create more people, new lives...
Posted by Emptyflask
on 15 January 2020 - 02:20 AM
I suffered this for a long time too, i think i still do to some extent. I felt it helped me to get more reconnected with my body and to realize im more than just this conscious thing made of memorys and experiance, it helped to remember that i think and feel and am an actual tangible thing with experiances that really happened. The nature of self, consciousness and life is a real mindfuck for sure, but it is natural and a real part of this weird reality as a whole.
Posted by Emptyflask
on 25 December 2019 - 04:50 PM
I find it sometimes makes things easier to find humor in our shitty situations. I have seen a few memes of dissociation and i saw one today that made me laugh. I wanted to share a couple and if anyone finds any, please share!
Posted by Emptyflask
on 25 December 2019 - 04:17 PM
Heres the thing. This is what truely made it die for me.
If you were alone, as a one person audiance for the universe, there would be no reason what so ever that other beings would be simulated in your reality. Why? Because what use would they have? Entertainment? Theres no game going on with things trying to convince u that they are real. Because if they werent real, they wouldnt fuckin be here. Your mind would have no use for them. In fact, you would never have even thought of a reality with others in it at all because you need an actual external invironment to even put ideas in your head. If it was all being simulated just for you, you would have a totally different reality where you wouldnt even know others existed in the first place. And in the case that its all just your imagination, how would you be able to imagine others when you wouldnt even be aware of the concept that there could be others? Because if you were alone in your existence, the thought wouldnt even cross your mind. You have to be born into a world with other beings to even consider the idea that others exist. In other words, they have to BE there for you to even question it. And in the case that god or some other force was creating this for you, then that REALLY means your not alone because there would be another consciousness, god, and if it can make a reality for you, it could easily make more. Why would it stop with just you? Think about it.
Posted by Emptyflask
on 25 December 2019 - 03:47 PM
Give yourself time to get over it. Dont expect it to go away over night. Itll continue to be hard but itll lessen if it hasnt already. The fact you dont want to think this already goes to show that the thoughts are losing their power over you. Lots of us have been where you are or are in it right now too. The problem is an intolerance for uncertainty. The thing is, you can be totally certain solipsism is a delusion thats only a product of an overly stressed and overthinking mind. Just think about what others have shared on here. Think about what feels right to you. Do you really think only one conscious mind would exist without any context or explanation? What would be the point in that even if it were possible? Living is ment to be shared by multiple beings. Plus, if you were alone, how would you explain your existence? For me, looking at it scientifically helped.
Posted by Emptyflask
on 25 December 2019 - 10:09 AM
Well, honest truth is you probably won't feel exactly how you did about things before. These experiences are what make us, it is naive to think you can do away with your revelations and experiences and return to being a happy dappy child again.
Depression is the curse of a high IQ and philosophical mind.
The nervous system does repair, and you will feel again.
You have, somewhat unfortunately, stumbled accross a basic truth: there isn't actually any point of anything, certainly not emotions, beyond what we make of it. Over time, this will be enough for you. But now you know, unfortunately you can't un-know
After 15 years of dp and depression I turned from being an optimistic and bright kid into a dark, fatalistic and nihilistic man.
It's not all bad, if you can regain your sense of humour and irony. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore because of it and for some reason became a big hit with the ladies, lol.
Things will become comfortable again in time
Yeah, i agree with what your saying. I think im in the process of getting over this as i have moments where life seems significant, from a subjective view that is. I just hope my emotions are coming back.
Purpose and feelings are intertwined, but they're separate things. The former is logical, and the latter are experiential.
Here's an example of a purposeful, feelingless action: going to work despite not feeling up to it. Logically, you know not paying the bills has adverse consequences, so it's logical to sometimes go to work in spite of not feeling up to it.
Now, a purposeful, action that is full of feeling: saving money for when your child to goes college. You love your child, and that feeling primarily motivates you to save money for them.
And an action that is full of feeling, but purposeless goes like this: spontaneously breaking into dance when nobody is around. You don't have a logical reason for why you broke in to dance, but you apparently felt like doing so.
Sorry for the cliche examples. People claim emotions are the driving force behind all human actions because many purposeful actions taken in a relatively emotionless way are carried out because of an underlying emotional event from the past, or because of an anticipated emotional event in the future. For example, it's very logical to pay your bills on time, but some would argue that the potential feelings of loss and failure that would arise from being late on the payments are the real motivating factors.
I chose to use the word 'purpose' because it's more concise than the word 'meaning'. I'm not 100% sure what you're trying to say when they say 'meaning,' unless you provide more context.
What are you trying to communicate when you say, "I'm not sure why I don't think love means anything"?
"I cant tell if this is stemming from emotional numbness, or if the emotional numbness is being caused by these thoughts." They're probably causing one another at this point. Don't forget the role of behavior, either, and of environment.
My guess is, if you don't mind, the emotional numbness is troubling you more than the thoughts. Questions like, "What is love?" are experientially different for people who are in love, and for those who have been in love in the past. I guess you might still be pondering these questions of if you were experiencing love, but I assume the experience of questioning would be much different.
I'm not sure what to tell you about trying not to be numb, beside yourself, or in a "dark night of the soul." Lots of people say these issues can't be forced, and other people say it's essential you take action. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between. That's partially why I alluded to action without action, acting in a spontaneous way, in your previous thread.
Maybe people who say, "Love finds you when you're not looking for it," would concede that people do need to take some action towards finding love. I mean, you can't be totally paralyzed and expect results. The main point of that saying is probably to explain that love is spontaneous and can't be forced. For anything to bloom, conditions must first be satisfied, but we can't force anything to bloom.
Sorry for the long phone post. I just wanted to address your post thoroughly.
It seems like you're reaching the point of fully intellectualizing your situation, a common thing in depression and DP, which won't resolve it alone. Internal changes, behavioral changes, and environmental changes are what will fuel the ultimate first steps towards improvement. Also, when we really try at something, we come in contact with our limitations. It's important for us to be nurturing and kind to ourselves.
No need to apologize for going into depth, at least when talking to me cause i like to read in depth about these things and others advice and perspectives. I think what i mean when saying meaning is the significance of emotions and life. I keep using meaning and purpose interchangeably because right now, the line between the two is blurred. I think the emotional numbness is whats causing me more distress at this point because i think things SHOULD matter and i for some reason cant feel it.
Heres how it all starts. I think "what the purpose of my life?" Ill come up with my own answer like how i can do so.ething to help the planet but then it escalates to "well whats lifes purpose as a whole?" When i cant find that, then i feel that my own lifes purpose no longer seems valid.
I think im slowly seeing the significance of living again. Its just super difficult. What i need is to find the reason for why lifes worth living. I originally came to the conclusion that love and emotions were what made it worth living but it seems ive overthought those to death as well.
Posted by Emptyflask
on 25 December 2019 - 09:38 AM
Oh man. Listen, i know exactly how your feeling right now. My dad died a little over a year ago. For a long time, it was as if i had forgotten he existed. Id have moments where id remember him but feel nothing about the memory, like i didnt care. And when the dp got bad, it was as if ALL of my memories for my whole life were not my own. I blocked out almost all of my memorys of him. What your going through is shock and yes, the grief may have been put on hold for you right now. Its painful! And your subconscious knows this. Eventually, if you allow it, and after some time, you will probably start to really grieve and feel sad but DO NOT beat yourself up for feeling the way you are right now. Or lack of feeling that is. The pain and shock of this is understandable. Dont create expectations of how you should be feeling. Everyone deals with this in their own way. Im sorry for your loss, esspesially since it was a boyfriend who is someone you were very bonded to. Thats a hard situation. I lost my dad and to loss anyone close to you can be traumatizing.
To answer your question: yes, it seems you may be experiancing dissociation right now. I had the same thing happen after my dads death.
What your doing right now by reaching out for help and perspective is a very helpful thing to do for yourself right now. Id also reccomend when you are able to, getting a therapist who specializes in dissociation or a grief counselor is a good way to go. They can definently help put into perspective whats going on right now. If you need someone to talk to too, you can always pm me as i have dealt with a really similar grieving process and if not, thats cool too. Just know that what your experiancing has been experianced by others too and youll get through this.