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dookiE

Member Since 16 Jun 2019
Offline Last Active Today, 04:29 AM
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Topics I've Started

Limbo Phase

20 May 2020 - 01:56 PM

Hi All,

 

at the moment I am in a very weird phase. I started to be more connected in March, but Corona really triggered my anxiety with its rules and regulations. In addition, many more things which are not necessary to go into detail. My symptoms got really bad again, as so many emotions came up and I lost orientation in my inner world.

 

Two weeks ago I had some findings. I felt that I put myself in check-mate to create the scenario for me that there is no way out. I use the outside to continously relive my experiences and with Corona  this reached a really high level. And this time it felt so true and I cannot escape. It is everywhere......so I felt I cannot solve this by thinking which I often heard but never felt. 

 

Some days later I was visiting friends and was lying totally exhausted on their couch and suddently my body went into a really peaceful state and my vision slowly became 3-D. I can see the nature in a beauty I never experienced before. My body is with its symptoms still in DP, but in these moments I can be with the symptoms in the moment. I do not want to talk or do anything then. It is a feeling that is wordless. I can even be with severe brain fog, as I can choose to either look at the beauty of nature or get obsessed about my symptoms. It is both there at these moments. 

 

Unfortunately, I cannot reach this state by myself, as I only experience it with people where I feel safe enough to open up. I cannot do this with my mind, it just happens naturally. When I am by myself again I slowly lose this feeling and even if I feel ok in the evening, then I wake up back again in full DP. In this state I can better be with my current triggers, but at some point they overwhelm me. So it is really tireing to fall in and out of this state and not being able to reach it by myself. Since I know it is both there, it is harder to be with my current state. 

 

Does anyone of you have experience with this "limbo state"? 

 

Many Thanks and stay strong

Till


My story so far

23 September 2019 - 03:47 PM

Hi all,

 

I read a lot on this forum the last month, so I feel at a position to share some of my experiences by now. 

 

I dissociated a bit more than five years ago. I was sitting on a couch and from one moment to the other my whole life changed. I was flushed with anxiety and went from feeling good straigh to mental hospital. I did not even know what anxiety was before. Never learnt to spoke about emotions. I tried different therapies, medications and spiritual approaches. Nothing change. Every day was unbearable.

 

October last year I heard about PTSD and trauma-therapy. I started this and felt the first time. This is it. I got better and was confident to get out of this. However, in April some really heavy things happened, so by the end of April I got a huge panic attack and ended up completly depersonalised. Black mind, no memory, completly numb body and emotions, sounds made pain in my brain and I felt my soul just wanted to escape to the universe. I completly lost connection to myself.

 

I started with a new trauma-therapist in June, who works with NARM (Neuro-Affective-Relationship Modelling) and SE (Somatic Experiencing) for 20 years and learnt from Peter Levine. She works together with a hompath, who is also specialised on PTSD. At the beginning I saw her 5-times per week and did not even remember being there. We did only regulation exercises and did not speak about anything. Nothing was there and I could hardly speak, as my brain always fried again. The homepath gave me hydrogenium a molecul for connection. Since August I feel that I improve from week to week and I met a friend on Saturday who said he never saw me like this for five years. 

 

I believe that DP is based on an attachement trauma and we dissociated as the pressure of our surpressed emotions became too high. Actually, most of us left ourselves already in early ages as we find ways to get attention from our parents. We are dependent, so if they are not there we die. We become very ambitious, build up a smiley shell and find ways to get attention from our parents. We build something on top which we view as our reality, but in fact is not true connection to ourselves. When we reach DP, all our coping mechanism break as we get flushed with supressed emotions from childhood.

 

So the way to heal and find our true self again is be integrating the lost parts of ourselves. For some people it happens over time, but for some it just does not work. For me it did not, as I was not able to hold and integrate the lost pieces of my personaltiy by myself. I studied the Polyvagal-theory and I believe we are primarily a body, so this is where healings starts, especially if the mind is compelty shut down. So my therapist co-regulated me, so I was able to feel a bit more safe. In my case I needed another person to help me to hold me. Slowly, emotions came back and my brain started to give me more space. I fell back to compelty DP many times and even now I still get moments of complete DP.  Therapy continues and it is really tough to face it. But each time now we oberserve different situations in my life and uncover my real self behind the cloud of anxiety. This gives me orientation and anxiety becomes more concret for me which results in more connection. We find embodied behaviours of myself and therapy is pretty active. I could write so much more, as I learn so much about myself and it is only the beginning. It is like pealing an onion and each time I connect more again. But I can only oberserve the lost pieces of myself in a place of safety, as this is the state of healing. If I observe them by myself I do it through my reality and I get overwhelmed by the emotions and shut down again. So it is still really challenging, but by now I am quite certain that I will recover which I never believed would be possible. Without orientation and understanding of myself, I would constantly re-lives my traumas and this is an endless loop.

 

I do exercice, mindfullness, clean nutrition and distraction, but I can 100% sure that I would not have been so far without therapy. We lost connection as we did not feel safe in the environment with people. But now it is safe and the terror of our childhood is over. Our body just does not feel this and is stuck in this. So once we start to experience safe connections with people and make new experiences in a safe place, our body slowly realises that it is safe now.

 

I still have a long way to go, but already have moments where I feel that life is actually beautiful and much more beautiful than I ever felt it in my life. It can be calm and pleasant and is acually be really peaceful. This keeps me going. If I have moments of no anxious thoughts, I sometimes often feel lost, as this is a new experience. So I start to find out what I really like, rather than what others like me to do. 

 

I wish everyone of you the best!


Open communication

13 July 2019 - 03:33 AM

Hi all,

 

i recently discovered the power of open communcation about our emotions and feelings. As our feelings and emotions were not allowed to be there as a kid we surpressed them in our body. If we now make new experiences and realise that our feelings are allowed to be there, then we make a new experience. Even if we start with the feeling: "I am feeling like I am not here". If this is being heard by another person, then there is a connection which was not possible in our childhood. The other person needs to allow us a room, then something new can come up in us. Otherwise we are in a constant loop of the same feelings. 

 

Another loop is that we believe to solve this by ourselves, as we learned to do everything by ourselves. At least this is the case for me!

 

Personally, I believe this guy is amaizing. 

 

 

 

For me DP is a result of a severe attachement trauma in our childhood.

 

Take care and wish you all the best,

Till


Severe DP as a result of generalised anxiety

16 June 2019 - 11:44 AM

Dear All

For five years I had been dealing with strong generalised anxiety, which came up out of a sudden. 4 years were pure survival, until I started traumatherapy and slowly my level of anxiety decreased.

At the 6th of April a good friend of mine (I lived together with her) commited suicide as a result of her Depression. Probably she was also strongly dissociated. I felt she was a soul-mate of mine. After her funeral on Thursday, it was my grandmas funeral on Friday. In the night i got a panick attack and since 12th of May i am in this state:

- no emotions (anxiety complety gone)
- no memories
- little thought process
- detached from my body
- dizziness
- restlessness
- Unreal feeling (where i am, who am I)
- feel like a ghost

I do not react to SSRI's. They make me even more restless, as my nervous system is so over sensitive. I am in a clinic and they do want to give me a Benzo. Got Diazepam the first day and it relieved me a bit.

This is pure torture and i have to pretend to be kind of strong, as I am afraid to get into the closed area.

Any idea on meds or other things that could ease the suffering? Doing exercise everyday and odered Magnesium and Inositol.

Really apptrciate your Input.

Regards from Germany