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Member Since 16 Jun 2019
Offline Last Active Today, 04:29 AM

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In Topic: Limbo Phase

27 May 2020 - 02:49 PM

your comment touches me, as I see quite some similarities to myself. I was successful in professional life and only saw this life. It is pretty sad to realise this, especially as this gave me at least some security. You are very brave. 


I always relied on my mental capabilities. Since my brain and my memories are still quite blocked I feel really helpless. I felt helpless before, but the lost really kicked me over the edge. My mind was always running on high gear and I never felt any real emotion. The emotions were only mentalised, as I disconnected from myself in really early years. This is quite painful to realise and the way back seems impossible with all its symptoms and emotions. 


It is a huge win that you emerged from DP, but I can imagine, how hard it is to face more and more reality. I slowly get in touch more with reality and it is really hard to see how life really can be. It seems so far away. 


The last days I tried a new thing and it completly overwhelmed me. So much sadness and anxiety. I have some moments where I feel little more in connection with nature and my surroundings, but I lose it quite quickly again. I accept that I need my shield as long as it is there. And yes we know how to survice, but I have acually no idea how to live:-(


My therapy is pretty intense. I went there on Monday and after that I could neither think nor move for 6 hours. So tired mentally and physically. I realise that over time I can stay longer in this state after therapy without actively activating my brain with its survival mode again. 

In Topic: Limbo Phase

23 May 2020 - 03:38 PM

oh yeah I feel you. I was really successful in my professional life, but actually never connected to myself. Basically on auto-pilot, but I was "fine" as I did not know anything different. 


In the last weeks I have the first moments in my life, where I feel safe enough to really experience the beauty of nature. In these moments, I feel so much exhaustion in my body and my brain. And so much pain in my body. This stays for some time and then slowly I build up my guard again and detach from my surrounding. I start to realise that I am actually afraid of people and it is not yet possible to stay connected outside. I feel then, how I slowly lose the connection and my brain starts to produce anxious thoughts again and anxiety rushes in my body. I always feel I am losing something really precious again. I lose myself again....


I was have the same topic with loss and I actually lost someone really close which overwhelmed me. When this gets triggered it is an unpleasant spiral and it overwhelmes emotionally. 

In Topic: Limbo Phase

22 May 2020 - 10:42 AM

oh yeah at it seems as if the cycle never ends. Often I cannot attribute a story, as the emotion is so deep that there are no words to describe the feeling. For me I try to avoid losing myself in a story, although it is not easy....

in therapy we look at different situations from my life, but always at the emotions behind the "story".


Do you feel safe enough to feel the feeling? This is/was often a big problem of me, to be with me. Got easier recently.

In Topic: Limbo Phase

22 May 2020 - 09:02 AM

Yeah, I am following this techniques for almost a year now about 4-times per week. Almost a year ago I had a big panic attack after a very traumatic event. After that i felt I fade away, until I was fully in DP. Too many emotions for my system. Blank mind and my soul was out of my body. I have no idea, where I am in my process, as I have no idea where it is going. I feel I was dissociated before without knowing it. I still have many somatisations, which are emotions for me that have not come to surface. Every week I get my head above the water, until the next wave comes over night. I cannot put it into words what comes up, so it is pretty old stuff from my early years. I also wake up with realisations about myself. It is quite weird process, as it is on a different level, than the mental level. But I feel that I slowly connect more from week to week. 


From what you write it, there might be still be blocked emotions in your system. I experienced that these can only be solved on a different level, than the mental level and in a safe environment. Only if we are safe enough certrain things within us come to surface. We protect them, as they are often painful experiences from our early years. So connected is one step and then they need to be felt. Yes feeling more real, is quite overwhelming.

In Topic: Limbo Phase

22 May 2020 - 07:54 AM

@Anna: I remember I started to read this book, but I am not ready for it. I had plenty of trauma books and gave all of them away. I felt it is not the time and I rather follow my inner way, although I often feel desperation to read on this topic. I am doing a trauma - therapy (SE & NARM) several times per week. I am not sure, whether these are also mentioned in the book, but based on my personal experience these techniques help me to slowly, but surely connect more with myself. 


@where: With corona I finally came to the conclusion that it is the ideal way to simply believe complete opposite of what the government and the mainstream media suggests. am still in the process, but I feel that this is my main learning from Corona. 


At the moment, I feel more present and less present at the same time. I just met a friend and she said that I seem so much more present. More present within me, but less present with my brain. It feels like one part of me which always controlls the outside is more silent at least if I am not confronted with the current laws and regulations, which is really tireing. Brain fog is much more present, but I can much better be with it. Strangely today I feel that most of my inner feelings have not manifested in my mimic, although I look much more soft compared to some month ago. Strange process with so much insecurity.....