How I feel? I don't. But what is here is cold and void, hallow. Shut down, and invisible to myself. My mind feels like it's in 50 other places and realities, and a million miles away from my own processes. My thoughts race with what seems like 1000 different ways to respond or act. And I just end up lashing out at my family with my words and brash, quick, thoughtless, impatient actions. It's all just too much.
For some time now my behavior has been pretty consistently pleasant. Handling, processing, coping. But I guess this is the "other shoe" that's been waiting to drop. Sure, life is a lot to handle. But today, I thought I was okay. I could feel it slowly settling in earlier. Like a little leaky boat in the middle of the quiet ocean. Unforgivably swallowing the vessel pulling me under without a struggle. Deep I go into the black abysmal emptiness, again. Am I here? If I am not here, then where am I? Why am here/not here, again?
This depression has crept up once again, and this time I suppose it's worse. Is it life's stress, the season, a familiar face, a scenario, situations. Perhaps it's just the growing timeline of my existence, wearing me down. Numbing me out. I'm fed up.