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acro11

Member Since 31 Jan 2018
Offline Last Active Jan 31 2018 09:14 AM
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Topics I've Started

Battles with Depersonalization. Would love to be heard.

31 January 2018 - 06:39 AM

Hello, I'm new to this site (unless I signed up a while ago but I haven't been a regular member.) I'll make my dpd history brief. I first felt depersonalization when I was 8. I had it chronically for a little while during that time. I went for a bunch of testing but couldn't get a diagnosis because the medical industry has a long way to go. It happened once in a while from that point into my college days. I started getting it several times a day but it didn't bother me because I had been familiar with it for a while. I mean yes it sucks, but infrequently throughout the day is bearable. Things got bad when I mentioned the symptom to my doctor and she told me that I could treat it with medication. I assured her that I could tolerate it and wanted to heal naturally. She told me that I could possibly train my brain to do that through the medication. I started taking anti-seizure medication and took a while to notice that things were getting significantly worse because of it. I developed constant and chronic depersonalization. I couldn't even relate to normal day to day conversation. I was suffering so drastically in a way that no one around me understood or had gone through. Every day, I woke up grotesquely out of body with those light auro hallucinations as an added bonus. I weaned myself off of the medication but to my horror, the depersonalization stayed. I tried meditation, going to a neurologist, hypnosis, therapy, everything but nada. The thing that finally improved my situation was waiting it out... for years. Every day when I opened my eyes, I felt like my soul was separated from my body. I had to try and pretend that everything was normal and attend classes but after one semester of that, I reached a point of total burnout. I missed most doctors appointments, acquiring a lot of fees, and stopped participating in class. I went from being a great student to failing because I wouldn't show up for tests because reality was too painful to bear. I had a lot of avoidance issues when I took a break from school and got a full time job. I would come in late or miss days quite often because that's what I was capable of at the time. People judged me because they didn't know how altered my perspective was. To them, I was just a delinquent. I felt really uncomfortable and broken whenever I walked through those doors. I had constant dpd for several years before it improved to the point where I can function again. It's back to a bearable amount during the day. Plus, I'm way more used to it now. I'm mentally with it enough to attend work every time I'm scheduled without avoiding and make appointments. Even better, I trust in my ability to participate again. I've gotten my drive to participate and succeed back. Unfortunately, being detached for so long put me in a lot of traumatic situations. I already had a history of emotional abuse (lots of fighting and constant shaming and fucked up comments) and other traumas (sexual and others) so the additional situations only made matters worse and brought me close to death a few times when I was at my worst. I'm still fighting and always will be. I will never give up. The experience gave me some very interesting stories (for example, I got kicked out of a PTSD/ Dissociation treatment program for having a plant in my room. It was highly corrupt where I was but there were a few funny moments in the story). These hardships have transformed into wisdom and inner strength that was not nearly as developed before this all happened. I'm no where near perfect at all, though. I still have numbness, memory issues and a tendency towards detachment. I know I will keep making progress, especially by the changes I see when I look back. My dream is to take everything I've learned from my mental health battles and use it to help others (I also recovered from Bulimia by myself and have been working on a book about that). I love to write but I struggle severely with finishing what I start. My goal is to publish in the mental health/ self help genre because I've noticed a lot of problems in therapy that can be improved. I feel resentful because I end up keeping my writing and the truth of my life to myself. Unfortunately, I have a habit of starting and dropping projects due to perfectionism and trouble emoting/ remembering. Would love to connect to like-minded people and share thoughts with as many people as possible. If I could find people to read my work and help me open up, I might find the bravery to feel my emotions again. I would love to offer the same support to anyone who needs it.