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Nadosa

Member Since 09 Sep 2017
Offline Last Active Jul 09 2018 10:40 AM
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Topics I've Started

Anyone feels like you and your body slipped out of sense of time and exist in a supernatural dimension?

11 June 2018 - 07:32 PM

I felt as though I shifted across an extradimensional plane and began existing outside of time. It felt as though time moved too quickly, slowly, or even ceased to exist in comparison to my internal rhythm. My sense of being would also change so I would occasionally "fall" outside of my body.

It is hard, ever since I felt like I broke out of time, I get waves of suicidal feelings and questions if I still exist logically along with a huge resistance against time.

It feels like time moved on without me and I even tend to believe that...

Help, strange obsession with time and my existence

21 May 2018 - 07:33 PM

So, as fellow DPDR sufferer, actually not anymore, but I really really struggled with irrational thoughts after the symptoms faded, I have a big big problem with time and my existence associated with it.

In 2017 time was running away and I felt like I couldnt bear/handle its speed, time was so fast 'cause of 24/7 worrying, but suddenly I felt like I slipped out of a logical sense of time and that was when I had this old "I" dying feeling. Like it was August and I felt like I wasnt ready for it yet that time ran so fast and I resisted with all I could against time - of course time was moving forward and so I continued to feel "out of time". That is the whole issue. I feel like the old me is still in August and some other part of me still exists. Sounds like a crazy obsession hm?

I am still here, but I even had thoughts that I am dead and not here anymore and that this very moment is imagination. Time is really the only thing, if there was a 2017 instead of a 2018 on the calendar, it'd be somehow easier to cope (yeah haha...), "2018" feels so unreal to me somehow.

When I was going for a run I felt like, I am not existing anyways in a "whole", so I had a complete blockade and training wasnt doing anything. I just couldnt explain what happened. I've had a complete blockade in all of my healing methods, so that everything felt useless, until I felt like hm maybe you were really dying? Keep in mind: NO symptoms at all anymore.

I feel like I am somehow an being in psychological time (that is the time as we know it, past, future) and I am dependent on it in order to exist. slipping out of that makes me feel not normal, because just a normal person has a normal sense of time and is somehow existing "healthily" in this concept. I feel like I am not supposed to or just cant live in psychological time anymore.

Fun that time is actually an illusion and I make it a real thing. But actually, at the moment there is nothing I hate more than calendars or planning future meetings on a specific date. Ive been so focused on this time phenomenon, it is burned deep in my mind pattern. In all of them. All of them are associated with me and my existence in psychological time.

I actually feel like I shouldnt be here.

I think DP ('s consequences) made me a Borderliner

13 May 2018 - 02:15 PM

I have posted here at the end of last year. I talked about that I feel “like I am not supposed to experience 2018” and that I felt trapped in the concept of time.

In August last year I felt like something in me was slowly dying (it felt like I outsmarted something), feeling like “I” couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND “I” IN MY MIND (I dont know how to explain it, the I, the one I think I am) CAUSED SUICIDAL FEELINGS.

At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that a part of me cant live anymore and I tend to identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization which I suffered for around 6 months. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. When the feelings and the thoughts are there, I am confused and I dont know what I really want. This very, very dark part of me has been created over the last few months. It happened over one week in August, when I thought about “time is crazy” and that I somehow cant exist in this “concept of time”. It felt like: Ok my mind says that I cant live in “time” anymore, lets just dive in then and see if it is right.

When I am in a critical place like that, fully in my mind, dont know if I should still live, my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering. Sometimes I feel like, yes I am a lost case, with fucking 18 years, youll never get out of that, because you always look back to that day when your mind declared “time” to be something strange. Then when I recall these feelings I felt that week in August, I feel like “how the fuck are you still alive” and that I am not supposed to be alive anymore. I dont know how to describe these feelings. It doesnt work in my mind anymore. “I” cant rationally exist anymore. Everything about “me” is triggering feelings of death. My ID, my future, everything, its an absolute mind-death of “I”. IT IS HORRIBLE.

Then there is the rather peaceful part of me, who wants to live but that knows that the dark part (which feels equally valid), cant live anymore, which creates a conflict inside me. Do I want to live? Can I continue to live? Who am I?

Since that week, time (the date especially) is triggering these feelings and thoughts of “do I really exist?” and then it feels like I am not supposed to be alive anymore. And I know this is strange, if anyone asks if this is psychotic or so, no, I am aware that this is strange.

I have read many things about spirituality, never fully practised it, but I didnt know how to explain my psychological issues. So I looked into spirituality, and “the dark night of the soul” matched perfectly with what I am going through.

Again, feeling totally lost, suicidal after DPDR - IDENTITY CRISIS

29 April 2018 - 02:26 PM

So for 7 months I have been on a awakening "trip" which has just come to its climax. Im suffering like hell. FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS I REALIZE THAT THIS "SELF" CANT EXIST ANYMORE, ANY IDENTIFICATION WITH "I" IN MY HEAD CAUSES SUFFERING. EACH AND EVERY.

I havent followed this path that intensely and didnt want by any means to be become awaken that way, just chose it for mental illness reasons.

I am suffering something with delusional beliefs but I cant let them go.

I dont know if I am having an awakening. I feel terrible. I am realizing that I am not the one in my head. Just in that moment it feels like: nope thats not you and you will never ever be able to re-identify normally with it. BUT NOT IN A PLEASANT WAY. I AM LAYING IN MY BED AND RATHER FEEL SUICIDAL AND HOPELESS THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I HAVE A HUGE IDENTITY CRISIS (I AM 18 YEARS OLD).

It creates a huge conflict inside me. It feels like my ego is falling apart in 1000 pieces. It feels like I cant hold on to anything. I feel like I am not this body, just CONSCIOUSNESS, I AM FORMLESS, NOT THE ONE ON MY ID, NOT "I". MY MIND JUST MADE ME REALIZE THAT BY ITS OWN HORRIBLE THOUGHT GAMES IT PLAYED ON ME.

BUT I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT RESIST THIS REALIZATION WHICH MAKES ME HOPELESS. I AM OVERWHELMED.

In August last year I felt like my ego was slowly dying, feeling like "I" couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND "I" CAUSED ASAP SUICIDAL FEELINGS

The last days Ive been identifying with it immensely and it felt like "boom, do "I" really live?" And my mind says: you cant logically exist anymore. And boom the realization that I am just awareness popped in.

How will I ever be able to live normally after this realization? It doesnt feel like it is a "right" awakening.

I am sorry for putting my weight of issues on your shoulders.

DPDR split me into one good part and on really really dark, painful part

02 March 2018 - 04:15 PM

I've recovered in July but ever since then I have this dark side of me which only sees suicide as a solution and I really see like no way out whereas with DPDR I had a rather healthy self-image of me.

Now whenever I think of me as a person, it all comes crashing down and I feel like not even a normal person anymore and feel this self-hatred of this dark side which just wants to end it.

It is a very terrifying after DP life but I just try to push through. Sometimes I feel like if others had been in my shoes they wouldve already ended it because it is just more terrible than the pain of DP. Feels like the image of me has forever been damaged and will never be repaired. I really dont know. During DP, when I was 18 years old, I just had a positive mindset...but I felt so damn unsafe in this life, always on the verge of not being able to handle it all anymore. Then one day I felt like I couldnt handle it anymore and ever since that day, it has been a real struggle. I sometimes wonder how I even made it through the past months :(

Tough times.