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livinglife123

Member Since 25 Mar 2017
Offline Last Active Apr 04 2017 11:14 AM
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Topics I've Started

Up and down day

26 March 2017 - 05:39 PM

Hey all! Just wanted to put my day out there. :)

the last 2 days have been pretty hard for me. My anxiety has been at an all time high and I had a complete breakdown in front of my girlfriend (she's been amazing through all of my mental endeavors) and I just felt so detached from the world and I kept feeling like I was going to suddenly 'wake up' which is a super uncomfortable feeling and honestly causes me more anxiety when I sit on it and think so hard, but it's hard for me to not be alone because I live in a dorm room by myself and being around my 2 best friends the last few days has been tough and somewhat triggering just because I am so hyper aware.

I guess that's how I would explain how I feel- so dang aware. I hate it. My OCD is completely on the grid with the thoughts of having DP/DR and I ruminate on my thoughts and how I feel. Everything I do I question now, even when I do things I normally do like make dinner or take a shower I'm good at first until I for some reason remind myself to think about every movement and how I feel. This of course leads into a vicious cycle of anxiety, the unknown of life, more anxiety, dizziness and panic, being overall terrified.

I went to sleep on a pretty relaxed note last night and woke up today motivated to write a book I have always wanted to. I decided to take today to be alone and only call my girlfriend throughout the day so I can recoup, even though being alone causes me to think but I woke up happy and that lasted for a few hours until I became anxious again and felt weird so I did research on DP/DR and anxiety and decided I needed to nap. When I woke up an hour later I had a crazy spurt of energy and did my dishes, made a nice dinner and cleaned the kitchen. As I ate however, I did more research and completely snapped back into the obsessional part of everything and scared myself again. Now I'm just bleh. I've been lying in bed staring at the walls, my phone call with my gf I was agitated the whole time and not because of her but because idk why. I'm mad at others who don't go through this and it's not fair to be that way.

I started to think of how scared I was if I develop depression, if this isn't real life, if I'm always be this way and feel this way, if I'm the back of mind no matter what I'll always be questioning life and my movements, if I lose myself with all of this and I'm just tired and want to cry. It's only been a few days and my anxiety symptoms have started to heighten during my time of the month, so I'm hoping maybe it's just that but I'm just scared of so many what ifs, which is how it usually goes I suppose.

I'm just very sad, tired, and bleh. I am still hopeful, however. I begin CBT soon with my OCD specialist and I'm hoping that will help all my fears and thoughts with possibly having DP/DR, and just teach me to re-wire my brain.

I want to be who I was 4 days ago, and I want to be happy and not afraid to leave my bed nor be afraid to be in it. I don't want to be afraid or whatever about things, I just want to enjoy life and accept what I can't control. I hope to try meditation soon, and change my diet so that I can input foods that help the brain along with working out more. I want to be happy with my girlfriend and my best friends and enjoy time with them again and not be afraid they'll trigger me or I'll have an attack. I just want to be able to not question things again and live with them. :/

I apologize for the long rant. Today was very up and down for me and I am so scared, and I just want to be who I was 4 days ago :( thank you for reading

Hello everyone :) (New DR person??)

25 March 2017 - 06:06 PM

Hey all! I hope this post finds you well, and maybe what I post can be a guidance of sorts for someone reading this and the (hopefully) replies!

To start off, I am a 22 year old female who has been diagnosed with purely obsessional OCD and generalized anxiety disorder. My OCD is mainly in my mind, so I latch onto ideas and fears that mainly other people can easily write off and not worry about- sadly, I worry about each and every little feeling and fear I have and OCD feeds off of that. Luckily, with my latest obsessions, I have been able to overcome each of them without the help of medicine and just talk therapy with a counselor and my best friends.

Since I have overcome each obsession, I have lost my anxiety. For some reason, I find comfort in my anxious state. Without the anxiety, I started to feel weird; almost like being normal and calm meant something was wrong and I didn't feel so good about that sadly. Then, one night I was in my room and started to feel unreal and in a dream like state. I have felt this feeling before during my anxiety attacks and after the last time I smoked weed a few years ago (the entire time of that I felt unreal, floating and completely detached from reality). That's when all my anxiety really began and heightened. But in my room, I got so afraid and it's like my mind couldn't feel okay that it had to latch onto this new fear and feeling.

I'm not 100% sure if I'm suffering from DP/DR, which is I guess why I am here to hear out people who know more about it. I have been losing my mind these last few days with research to relieve my fears for the moment and it comes back harder. I basically feel like I'm about to wake up. I'm not sure if I'm pushing these feelings on myself after all of my research, or if I genuinely feel this way. While I've had this feeling before, it was never so intense or scary for me so I'm not sure if my OCD is feeding off the chances of this disorder getting worse, and I have a fear that I'll be like this forever. I feel very bleh, like what I'm doing yesterday and today have no purpose and I'm on the edge of breaking down crying every 30 minutes because of how afraid I am of this sticking around or even being real. I am afraid nothing is real, and that I'll wake up and lose all of this. I'm afraid that this will worsen, and I'll be disabled from life. I wake up and keep moving, though. My anxiety is at an all time high and I'm very fidgety and irritable. I'm just over afraid.

I plan on bringing this up to my therapist this week. I have also read that this state comes after an intense, prolonged period of stress almost as a coping factor. For the last 2 months, up until last week, I was obsessing very hard over a fear of mine and became very sick. Since that fear has gone away, this feeling/fear has replaced it I assume.

I hope that someone is able to get through this long rant, and possibly even help with any type of advice or ideas. I just feel very odd right now and I want to snap back to who I was just 3 days ago; happy, chill and not questioning my every move with life or anticipating waking up or feeling like a dream, even if I'm the one causing these feelings because I fear it all.

Thank you again and have a wonderful day!