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Aha's Shadow

Member Since 23 Mar 2017
Offline Last Active Today, 09:30 AM
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Topics I've Started

Dissociation from mental illness itself?

13 October 2020 - 05:07 AM

If you have read any of my posts in the past, you may have noticed that I very much struggle with being able to tell what it is I actually believe. One of those things being the question, do I believe I am mentally ill? Which is something I wish I could answer because at least then I would be getting somewhere.

 

So I've been thinking, could dissociating from mental illness itself be a thing. When I think about the concept, the idea that I am mentally ill; I have no feeling towards it and no clue if it is the right answer to all of the problems I am having. I know that in the real world, mental illness can be the only possible answer...but I'm not sure I'm in the real world which makes it more difficult.

 

So I guess my question to you guys is. Do you think I could actually believe that I am mentally ill, just be dissociated from mental illness itself? 


Am I making things appear?

16 April 2020 - 07:39 PM

Still wish I knew what the truth was regarding whether I believe I'm in the same world or not. Maybe someone can help me with my current conundrum?

So one of the weird coincidental things that always happens to me is that products etc that I liked that disappeared from shelves/were discontinued at different points in time always seem to reappear when I think about them after a while. Great you would think, what a gift...but I don't want this control. I'd rather they didn't appear ever again and that I truly believed this was the real world, but dreams coming true don't fit with that world view. I'd say 99% of the products that I have thought about liking and whether they would come back all have and counting...

Anyone got a different way of thinking about this? It just feels to me like magic..like I have control, which I wouldn't have in the real world, so I can't be in the real world.

My dreams seem to be premonitions.

10 January 2020 - 05:23 PM

Sorry for another "this weird thing happened" thread. I know the explanation isn't necessarily here, but I just want it to be out there.

So let's go over the last few days. I felt bad on Tuesday so started reality testing by looking at estate agent signs to see if their phone numbers had 27's in (a problem I had previously with a sequence of signs). Not one, so good. However the next day I am going to look at a flat. Down the Road it is on, the first sign has 27 in the phone number, then the next for a separate company, then the next. So basically it seemed to catch up magically the day after.

Anyway the next day, I'm trying to think a way around it as I can't carry on if I can't find some way of that being a thing and this being the real world at the same time. While I'm thinking about it, I remind myself of how I have had dreams that have foretold things I would see the next day and how that happened itself "coincidentally" 2 nights in a row...

So last night I have a dream and a friend who I rarely see is in it really vividly. This morning I open my phone and what do I see? He has randomly posted a picture of himself in a rarely used group chat. So not only did I have another dream that foretold what I would see, but it also caught up "magically" the next day just like the sign thing.

As with everything I post, these things would be unremarkable on their own... But with everything else I have to put up with it serioudly doesn't sit right...

I'm not in control, I watch this person walking and talking and doing stuff as normal despite the fact I can't tell whether it's really happening or not. These magical things that happen don't fit with my previous views on magic etc. But I seemingly prove any if it with science. I can't say I believe I'm ill, I can't say I even exist anymore.

All of this plus more would not piece together in the real world. So this is why I am so scared and confused. I need help but I don't think anyone in this world can help because they might not be real.

For... Fuck... Sake.

I can't convince myself I'm ill.

14 December 2019 - 05:16 AM

It would be such a relief to me if I could just believe that everything that is happening could all be explained by mental illness. But I just feel like I don't believe it. I want that to be the solution but when I search my soul to see if I believe that, it comes out inconclusive. I have no feeling towards that idea.

There are too many unexplainable, confusing things to me. How can this just be an anxiety disorder? If it is a disorder, surely it would be far worse than that. Too many things just don't add up.

The longer it goes on the wackier it's got...

28 November 2019 - 01:20 PM

Where to even begin with this. I guess it is getting harder and harder to believe I'm just ill with each further completely wacky and illogical thing I experience. I look for explanations just for hope now, but it further feels like I'm clutching at straws.

So my coincidences have gotten more complex. Where they used to be random events, they became made out of things I had focused on, then they became literally things I had seen in my dreams appearing as if by magic the same day. Now, they are intricate things that I surely must be making happen down to the minute detail. Put it in the solipsism column if you like.

It came to a head the other day when I was walking around town. I went into a health shop thinking I "I'll look to see if by the slimmest chance they have brought back the old type of flapjack i liked back which they had changed about a year ago and made worse". Lo and behold, new packaging, but the old flapjack sitting right there.

Unremarkable on its own, but it got me thinking about the other stuff I had magically made appear when I wanted it to come back...Ben and Jerrys baked alaska, that pair of pink vans tnt's I wanted amongst other things. Fantastic in a vacuum, not so much when coincidences have taken over your life. I began to find more and more examples of this type of thing happening...

The clincher though. 20 minutes later, I meet up with my girlfriend. She comes to me with coincidences sometimes as sharing them she has known to help. But this time it comes kind of off the cuff. "Actually thinking about it, that skirt I found that I was telling you about was kind of a coincidence... You see I was thinking about how I really wanted to see it in that sample sale, and then when I went there I found it...."

Yet again the pure intricacy of this down to the very detail has sent me in to absolute meltdown. I become purely convinced this is not the real world or something to those effects because she brings to me this coincidence that becomes two-fold because it is exactly the kind of coincidence I was focused on. I tend to believe anything but illness is the explanation now.

On top of this. Some might recall how I would see the number 27 over and over again every time I looked at the time on my phone. Daily, at least once. No more, I now see anything but this. I have thought so much about how much I wanted it to stop, that it has now stopped. I haven't seen it at random at all in days, despite the fact I am now more focused on it than ever. This debunks the explanation that I was seeing them because I was subconsciously looking for them. Because now I am doing so both consciously and unconsciously and alas nothing.

I'm tired, so very tired of this. It's not a life. I disappeared 3 years ago into a world that no longer makes sense. I just can't believe that I'm ill, because it always gets proven wrong.

I was always a logical person. I always looked at the physical evidence that was presented at me before I made my theory. That is exactly what I do here all the time. I am seeing all of these things. I was not at all spiritual and yet now magic and the world not being real seems the most reasonable explanation. Yet I am not spiritual and don't believe in magic so this means that this is not the real me or the real world.

So I am scared, petrified. Of a world I have too much control of, but not enough of. What the fuck do I do? I can see the appeal of cutting right now because at least that is translatable. I wouldn't want to do it because I hate myself or because I'm sad, but because I'm confused and maybe it will tell me what I believe in.

Fuck this.