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Aha's Shadow

Member Since 23 Mar 2017
Offline Last Active Today, 02:47 PM

#617176 Am I making things appear?

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 17 April 2020 - 09:41 AM

can you give an example ? 
is it something like " man where is the remote control I cant find it " and then you suddenly find it ? 
I dont get it

OK examples:

A pair of trainers that were discontinued a number of years ago which I thought about were re-released shortly after.

A shop used to sell these great flapjacks but got rid of them years ago. I thought about how them and how I wanted one, they appeared again shortly after.

After these examples and more I started coming up with things that I remembered which hadn't returned to reassure myself, one of them were these Twix biscuits in 3 layers which literally haven't been around for 20 years in the UK... Shortly after they were back in the shops.

Hopefully that explains things better. As I said you'd think this would be great, but not when you're worried this isn't the real world and this becomes evidence.

#593588 The number 27 over and over and over.

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 03 December 2018 - 07:29 PM

It's like this is a cruel game now. I see this number constantly, and it's not like in normal scenarios you would expect to see it in like the time etc. I'd believe the 'frequency illusion' if that were the case. The idea that it occurs in the time at lots of stages along with other numbers so I'm just focusing on it.

But no this number is occuring in ever more ridiculous scenarios, so much so that it's like it's following me around or someone is putting it there to fuck with me, or maybe proving this is a dream state and that this is my mind creating it or I did die or something.

Saturday, I saw it in a book title. Sunday, an advert on the side of a bus. Then today, when I thought I'd gotten away with it, I open up a beer at 10 to midnight and there inside the bottle cap is a tiny 27!

This happens with no other number. Sure I'll see a book with a different number on occasionally, but not every day on many differing things. It's only this number and most days it's the only number I'll see on anything. But yes it's the only one Im guaranteed to see in a book, or CD, or box or anything else possible every single day.

Fuck this!

#592196 Long post, confused as hell, need reasurrance

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 31 October 2018 - 08:15 PM

I can somewhat relate to this. I pretty much have no connection to the idea that I am just ill, because what I've experienced goes far beyond that and I see things now that I didn't before. It's got to the point where I almost feel like I can predict the future. If I experience a very specific thing, I can guarantee I'll see it again later that day.
  • Jix likes this

#591180 Did I die?

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 04 October 2018 - 04:11 PM

i used to be like this. ignore it. you are real. i was convinced that i had died and was in an alien prison and that my whole life was simply put before me to give me an idea of what life was and happiness, and then take it away as part of some psychological punishment. you just cant give these ideas or thoughts any weight or they will destroy you. it will be awful but you have to just power through it.


Were you actually convinced? Because this is the problem I have. I think I am actually convinced that this isn't the real world. I know I can't go anywhere else, but things just aren't right and no matter how hard I try, I can't convince myself this is an illness. If I could convince myself it was an illness and could say for certain 'I have actually been in the real world all along' with some sort of conviction, that would be half the battle for me!

#547010 Describe how you feel in 3 words

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 21 January 2018 - 06:55 PM

Separated from body.

#522666 has anyone...

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 15 November 2017 - 05:49 PM

Acceptance for me would be accepting that I don't have control and that maybe this is all just fantasy. As half the time I'm not convinced this is real anymore. Problem is I just want to be in the real world. To be convinced I have dp would actually be a blessing to me as it would take a bit of the burden off my shoulders.

#515114 Thoughts on Smoking Weed Again?

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 27 October 2017 - 07:51 AM

It actually makes me really mad when people smoke weed and have these kind of problems. As someone who experiences this shit, having never touched a drug in his life; it baffles me as to why somebody would intentionally put themselves through it.

#502946 So here's where I'm at...

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 27 September 2017 - 12:18 PM

Can someone just tell me that they aren't created in my head, and prove it or something?

I don't know where to begin really. I'm on this course (I think) at the moment, which makes it sound as if I'm getting myself out there and getting better. In truth I feel more confused than ever.

I go there every day and while I'm on it, probably seem like the most normal of normal ever. However I'm just watching myself or someone do 'normal' stuff. It's not like I'm even pretending to be normal, I just watch someone automatically do something.

Every other bit of time is spent even more confused. Am I creating this? I must be because everything about what I see and hear seem to synchronised. It's just too coincidental that at the time period I'm having it, it's broadcast in the news, or Jim Carrey is saying the exact things I'm thinking in interviews.

When that's not the problem, the very idea of what being a human is will be. It seems too odd and complicated, that chemicals and atoms and all sorts can make things as intricately structured as a human. And that we are able to think independently because of this despite being made up of a load of random materials. Surely anything that would be made from random things would be as jagged as a rock.

The mere thought of this being just the effect the world and different things in it is having on my 'brain' itself is a problem. This would mean that I'm not actually conscious and I am just watching something happen.

Just reading back, this looks like a rambling mess, but this is my life at the moment. I don't know who I am. Why I'm doing things, and why everything is happening. And I don't know whether this is all actually happening. If it were simply mental illness then people would take notice. But if it were a movie or something else fictional then people wouldn't....and they're not. I constantly find myself interacting to people and with things I don't actually believe are there! And then I will say something that I don't actually feel I believe to others and myself, that being, 'I have this anxiety problem, I have a mental illness'. I don't actually believe that, so why am I saying it?

Even reading posts on this forum, I can't help but feel other people's conditions or problems are created by me, because again it seems to synchronised to not be my Invention or some kind of fiction.

Anyway, if that made any sense to you, tell me you're real, tell me something that I didn't create about you. I need something to hang on to.

#499730 Starting to resent my mum.

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 20 September 2017 - 05:07 PM

Yeah, it's an odd one, because I'm not sure if it is partially just due to the fact that my feelings are a bit out of whack at the moment and so it's giving me the opposite feeling that I would normally have towards my mother.

We have had heart to hearts in the past, but a lot of the time I get really put off by her response when I initially make the approach. It's normally along the lines of 'what now' in a sort of frustrated tone or a 'oh my god what?' In a panicked tone. Neither of which puts me at ease enough to open up to her. Then usually by the first or second line I get the dismissive, 'well I've had that, so what?' kind of line and she acts like it's not important.

I think a lot of the problem stems from her own anxiety issues of the past. She's had panic attacks etc, but never to as serious as to the extent I have, and she has shared quite openly her own experiences with me. But I don't think she gets how serious my problems actually have been, and she always just compares it to her own experience. So she thinks, 'well I felt bad, but never that bad', and just assumes my experience was exactly the same as hers.

But the truth is, I did almost die. There's no question about that, I felt that I had completely lost control, and still don't know if I'm even in the same universe I used to be. It's always weird to read those recovery stories of people who say, 'my family were amazing, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for them'. I can't say I feel that way. I know they love me, but do I think they've done all that they can? I'm not sure. I do know that any progress I have made is probably not down to them. It's a weird feeling, because it makes you question actually how much they are willing to help you or have to give.

But again, this could all be down to my condition. Maybe Im too confused to see the bigger picture. Maybe one day, the love, affection and closeness I had to my mum will return. It's just weird how the person who has been my rock my entire life, no longer seems to be when I need her the most.

#499682 Starting to resent my mum.

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 20 September 2017 - 04:09 PM

Hi. This is a hard topic to write because of the subject matter, but it has been something that's been building that I feel has really bothered me today.

I don't think she's done anything particularly bad, and I've always been incredibly close with her. But after this latest chapter in my life I've found that I can't approach her anymore with problems, and that her attitude towards my 'illness' has become very dismissive, when before it wasn't.

Maybe it's just because she's been worn down by all the problems I have had over the years, and her own issues. It just makes me feel so sad, because she was always my safety blanket, the person I could rely on.

Now I'm not sure I even like her. And I hate myself for saying that. It sounds so self centred, but maybe that is just the person I've become? Or maybe it is just my current condition talking. Of course this is just one of numerous problems I have had and maybe it is just down to me being so confused with who I am.

So what do you think? Have you had similar problems with loved ones? Do you think it is just another symptom of this nightmare? Always nice to get an outsiders opinion.

#496602 I feel so alone in this. I can't figure out wtf COLOUR IS

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 10 September 2017 - 05:42 PM

Absolutely 100% exactly the kind of thing that is symptomatic of dp.

#496530 I feel so alone in this. I can't figure out wtf COLOUR IS

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 10 September 2017 - 05:13 PM

People told you in your other thread they had the exact same thoughts. I have not specifically had these thoughts about colour, but the same thoughts about other things like clothes and sounds and any number of things.

I'm trying to look at it this way, our anxiety and dp/dr has simply made us temporarily a little bit thick and unable to think logically about these questions. So when you say a question like, 'why is red, red'? You won't be able to think of the idea of red as a colour logically, because your brain won't let you.

I used the example of the same principle with words before. Try it, try saying a word to yourself over and over again. It will lose meaning because your brain will lose the ability to be able to look at the word in the correct perspective.

I should really take my own advice for my problems too...

#495122 I've gone off the philosophical deep end. What is colour? Why is there co...

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 06 September 2017 - 07:21 PM

The more you think about something, the less sense it makes. This is the attitude I'm trying to take towards these kind of thoughts.


Ever said a word so many times that it lost all meaning? This is exactly that. We think so much about things, that it does make us kind of a bit dumber. It makes us forget who we are, or the answer to a lot of questions. 

#490114 Dp/dr.... OCD?

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 25 August 2017 - 07:04 AM

My therapist has told me that there is definitely some obsessive behaviours recognisable in me. She said it is like a form of OCD because you obsess over what you're thinking and feeling and why you are thinking and feeling these things without necessarily outwardly showing compulsive behaviours.

#489834 Holding on to good feelings...

Posted by Aha's Shadow on 24 August 2017 - 05:53 PM

It's funny, because about a week ago I was having a bad day and then just said, 'I give up'. I gave up worrying about the way I felt because it just wasn't helping. But I could only even hold onto that feeling for about two days. It seemed so easy to reach at the time, now I have no idea how I even gave up. It's like that with each feeling or opinion I have every day. It will just change for no reason. It's hard to feel an attachment to yourself when you don't know who you are.