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Member Since 31 Jan 2017
Offline Last Active Jul 31 2020 01:06 PM

#422937 Little me...

Posted by Linn on 01 February 2017 - 04:20 AM

Thank you. 

#422633 Little me...

Posted by Linn on 31 January 2017 - 03:14 PM

So, I don't suffer too much from this depersonalization/derealization I have on occasion, but that's not because it isn't horrible once it happens, but because I have a shit load of other problems... I have bipolar disorder typ 2, recovered from severe anorexia, have approximately 1 275 self-harm scars on my body, so I've had my fair share of anxiety too (and probably some OCD-thingy since I was very regular for many years with my self harm). I have grown up in psychiatric wards and have 2 friends that I never meet up with due to social anxiety. I'm extremely introverted, write books (unpublished due to my illness) and own the cutest black little cat in the world.


At the moment I am very depressed and have been since last summer. I was changing my antidepressants to get better, but got way worse. I tried Citalopram and after that my mind has kept doing this dp/dr thing to me from time to time. Before that I'd just felt some deja vĂ¹, weird split-second "who the hell is that person?" when looking in the mirror and out-of-body experiences during a panick attack, but nothing like this.


The most scary espisode was 5 or so minutes where I was utterly and completely detached from my life, my person, my apartment, my surroundings. I knew there was someone called "I" and that this "I" had this life, but it didn't for the world feel like "me". There was no "me" even. When I recalled "I's" life it was like I heard it the first time, I was amazed and intrigued by the happenings. "Oh, really? Is that so? That's interesting, never knew that.." And it was still ME and MY life. Very, very scary experience, only broken by going outside to be picked up by my mom and having my conscience fall down into my body when hearing myself talk to her.


After that I had vague constant feelings, some stronger lasting a solid week or two where I was detached from the person socializing with people in my choir, while me, my conscience was locked up behind a glas wall of fog, unable to control the person called "I". 


When having quit Citalopram all together (from anxiety, relapse in self harm and other stuff, not the dp/dr) the episodes got way more sparse, but they still come when I'm exhausted mentally, especially after socializing. Lastly it happened at my therapists, which really scared me - I want to be ME, be able to participate in my own therapy! What would otherwise be the point? So I'm really worried when going back there, don't want that to happen again. Was split from my body a good 15-20 minutes afterwards too, not fun. 


So, my problems are many and only recently dp/dr became an extra spice, but it's scary and irritating anyway. You are so completely helpless - it's out of your control, other than self harm where you actually CAN do things to prevent it. It's weird this dissociative issues only arrises now, at the age of 29, but maybe Citalopram provoked it and it decided to stick with me for a while. I hope it goes away when I get better, when my depression is relieved (at least a BIT, please) when finding a better antidepressant. 


Only writing about it now makes me slightly surreal, and tomorrow I won't know if this was all a dream or if I actually wrote this long essay on this forum. A lot of what I've read here on this forum has made me realise I have a lot of other symptoms of dp/dr that I didn't think about. I hope my aquantiens with this phenomena will be short, we'll see. 


Thank's for reading my looong story.