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esroh

Member Since 04 Jan 2017
Offline Last Active Sep 26 2020 05:16 AM
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#621612 Hello again. Long journey and looking for advice + QEEG results

Posted by esroh on 07 September 2020 - 02:39 PM

Hello,

ive been a member of this site for a few years but havent been on here in a while.

A lot of stuff has happened and also not really happened since my last updates..

Ive definitely gained new insights but im still pretty stuck and could use a fresh look at my situation.

Im gonna start from the start. 

First going over my experience with dpdr and anxiety and then over what ive learned about possible causes and treatments.

 

What happened:

 

I gradually developed derealization around age 7-9. I just noticed that things would look "as if im looking through a camera".

It came on gradually and never left me, im 25 now. 

For most of my life it used to be more of an annoyance rather than life destroying, although it still sucked ofc.

I just always felt that things arent fully really happening, not completely unreal but definitely "dreamy".

 

I also had regular crazy fucking obsessions/hypochondria episodes that would "seemingly" come out of nowhere.

My mind would just latch on to some random scary thing and obsess to the point of complete terror and despair until it eventually just stopped or i would be convinced by a doctor. Things i worried about: brain tumor, all types of cancer, asbestos, not being able to play guitar because my fingers arent perfectly straight, not being able to skateboard because maybe my legs arent exactly the same length, not being able to sleep because i have a rare sleep disorder, once i feel in love to an INSANE degree after seeing someone for literally 5 minutes on the street, that lasted 3 years etc. etc. etc.

 

Now 3,5 years ago i was doing mindfullness meditation for a few month which actually made a MASSIVE difference in my mental health. My mind was SO much more calm and present. The spacing out largly stopped but i still had the visual disconnect to an extend, but that didnt really bother me.

Also my baseline stresslevel dropped significantly, i wasnt even aware of how stressed i was before. I also had my first girlfriend at the time.

 

Now once again one of those episodes began, and this was the worst one yet.

It would start with a crazy obsession about "everything being inherently meaningless", then switch to "free will doesnt exist"(those thoughts were inspired by spiritual stuff i had been into at the time) and then to the most retarded one:

WHAT IF I GET DEPERSONALIZATION AS WELL? (which ive NEVER had before) 

Long story short, i obsessed myself into DP, destroyed my sense of self and ended up in a psychward twice for several weeks. Complete vegetable, utter panic 24/7 for at least 1-2 years.

 

Now 3,5 years later, the self induced dp is not an issue anymore. Its not there unless i start obsessing again.

However: The preexisting DR has been absolutely horrendous ever since my breakdown and my stress and anxiety levels have also been severely elevated since. I pretty much feel stuck in a loop.

 

Things ive "tried" over the years:

 

Neurofeedback, diets, fuckton of meds (including naltrexone, lamotrigine, benzos), somatic experiencing therapy, 2 years of trauma therapy(ill go into the trauma stuff in a bit), bought glasses to correct heterophoria, had eegs and mri done, tons of self reflection, a lot of shit i probably dont remember rn

 

What i think might be underlying all my issues:

 

So most likely my dr started because of my family breaking up, the stress at the time and then the weekly switching of households, my abusive stepdad. 99% sure that this is the origin of it all.

My obsessions are probably a way for my mind to gain "control". I think that perhaps an old familiar feeling of deep fear/sadness/melancholie comes up every once in a while when im not distracted, and then i start obsessing over something to distract from it and also gain a sense of control. At leats subconsciously thats plausible.

Also, maybe a belief was created in my childhood that "the world is fundamentally unsafe/things are fundamentally wrong and fucked up". because thats kinda what it felt like when my family broke up.

 

Reading about trauma, i tried to process the shit out of it all and also went to therapy for 2 years specifically for that. 

I can recall i think a good amount of what happened and i can feel the feelings at the time, but they arent overwhelming and i dont feel like im processing shit.

SO maybe going back and "reprocessing" isnt what needs to be done. Perhaps this is more so a matter of reprogramming this deep underlying sense of unsafety in the present. Through a lot of practice and stuff. I dont know..

 

Fact of the matter is: The more safe i feel, the less spaced out i am.

So the end goal is create a deep sense of safety. And im sitting here writing that while feeling this utter sense of doom and despair.

 

 

From all the "interventions" ive tried, the only one that has shown to be helpful is once again meditation.

The worst part of my derealization is the horrific zoning out/not being present with anything. Meditation seems to help with that but only when im not too anxious and if i stick with it consistently....we will see hat happens and i will keep you updated.

Also, i had a qeeg done which most notably showed high slow wave activity in the frontal region, which would fit the constant spacing out.

Maybe you guys know how to analyze this stuff...

 

But fundamnetally i just struggle so hard still, every day is exhausting as hell and not really being here is so painful...

 

I know acceptance is the first step, sometimes im better and sometimes im worse at it. But i always seem to fall back and make very little real progress...

 

Now with all this information, maybe you guys have some suggestions or even just encouragement for me.

 

Cheers,

Ben

 

 

 

 

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#599768 The Real Cure - Treatment

Posted by esroh on 26 April 2019 - 10:58 AM

no.




#598912 Has anyone tried feeling as a technique?

Posted by esroh on 04 April 2019 - 05:34 PM

have you been to a chiropractor etc yet? Cause if things arfent properly alligned in your spine thats known to be a possible cause for dpdr




#595394 waking up and having to go through it all over again...

Posted by esroh on 11 January 2019 - 11:06 AM

i very much relate to this fucking loop feeling, but i belive a lot of it comes from our obsession and being overly aware.

For example each time i get up from my chair  walk to the kitchen im very aware of that process each time, so every day it feels like the same movie repeating




#594770 EVERYONE NEEDS TO DO THIS NOW FOR RELIEF

Posted by esroh on 01 January 2019 - 09:41 PM

Happy new year!

First off, its awesome that some things are happening for you! Every tiny bit of progress is fantastic.

 

I did the exercise.

The thing that tells me im disonnected is some weird tension/fear feeling, if i had to pin it down.

I also got a bit of the sense that there really isnt any true disconnection, that things are fundamentally fine. Couldnt quite feel it tho as much as id like^^

 

I tend to get very obsessive with such exercises, im "trying" to hard if that makes sense. I need to loosen up.




#592888 Can spiritual thoughts like you are not your thoughts, you are not your ego c...

Posted by esroh on 14 November 2018 - 10:17 PM

The thoughts cant but the awareness that they might lead you to. Thats how i got dp(had dr already before for many years). 

I still got that awareness and it will never leave me, ive seen to much of the noself. However im more and more able to integrate that insight into my self, taming it so i dont fall into the pit of the void.




#589848 mental anxiety attack without the physical symptoms

Posted by esroh on 06 September 2018 - 02:41 AM

absolutely, i get this when im outside especially. Im mentally extremely tense and my head cant process anything, completely overwhelmed but its all in my head and my body stays fairly calm.




#528282 Awesome video about healing from trauma

Posted by esroh on 30 November 2017 - 04:20 PM

Extremely valuable video imo:

 




#517818 Recovered after 5 years and a half

Posted by esroh on 04 November 2017 - 05:10 PM

Ive had an mri that showed nothing but swolen sinuses.I had a mild cold at the time so hm..

I had a lot of ear infections as a kid at the time i developed dpdr.

 

Anyway, i started this neti pot thing today. I actually feel the pressure increasing right after and after doing it twice my nose is still kinda blocked. Ill definitely continue with this!




#508354 Frusturated

Posted by esroh on 09 October 2017 - 05:17 PM

because dp is just a mechanism that can have many different causes




#491522 Major Insight into loss of self

Posted by esroh on 29 August 2017 - 04:54 AM

I would like to explain to you exactly what this concept is, at least what it could be, whether you refute it or not, that is up to you. However, it may require an open-mind for Buddhism. As such, I think this would be considered a spiritual topic which may break the forum rules if I were to post my explanation here. OR not? I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this website in general.

 

Is there a form of p.m here? 

i know about this shit.Fuck buddhism.

Learned to much about this stuff before i got dp.So thanks for the offer :) but im over this shit, enough ego deathy already^^




#463857 Afraid of ego death

Posted by esroh on 30 May 2017 - 10:25 AM

Hello dude, sounds pretty much like my experience.I feel like i dont exist, dont know who iu am and at times almost experience a complete ego death which is the scariest fucking thing on earth.

Its still all dissociation tho, not psychosis...hope we get through this horriblem shit..


  • mar likes this


#413906 A little hope after 10 years of Derealisation?

Posted by esroh on 05 January 2017 - 06:18 AM

Hello guys,

 

i think i need your advice on what to do next.

Im 22 and ive had constant 24/7 Derealisation since my early childhood.I think it developed gradually, so i cant tell exactly when it started.

It has at least been a decade tho.

For me its mostly this feeling of being in a dream all the time.Everything seems fragmented, far away etc.

Of course, when im in big open areas or stressed it kind of itensifies.

However, i always had a hard time telling whether i just noticed it more or if it actually got worse.It never really decreased tho.

 

So i always thought, this is just something i have to accept.And for a long time it didnt bother me at all really.

Then again there were times where i focused more on it and so i suffered more because of it.

 

Recently ive had a rough time emotionally.I would feel really anxious most of the day, and then in the evening it rapidly subsided and i would feel really calm and relaxed.

A few days ago, i went outside with a friend and felt very relaxed mentally and physically, i felt at peace.

And suddenly everything wasnt as unreal as it usually is.For a few minutes it seemed like my brain had the capacity to integrate all that visual information.

Ive had  a similar experience when i once took some ritalin.Your overactive brain slows down, and you are way more focused, and consequently my derealisation decreased.

 

So it seems like my condition is not as fixed as i had assumed.

Do you have any advice on what to do next?

Ritalin seemed to have an effect, maybe there are other drugs that might really have an impact?

Ive never been on medication, so i dont know.

I think about getting some physical things checked just to rule that out and maybe do a brain scan.

Im definitely starting a psychotherapy, also for some other issues i have.

 

So on the one hand i dont want to obsess to much over it, as i have a strong tendency to do so,

but if there might be things that actually work, i definitely want to try them.

 

Any tipps and advice would be highly appreciated! :)

Also, if you know any possible physical causes that are not as obvious, please let me know!