esroh

Yeah i relate a lot. 

Im very much on the anxiety side of this, im not numb. 

But i find that i often "freeze" through mindless scrolling. Like i feel extremely uncomfortable in my body and mind, super restless but then i keep bombarding my brain with random screen stimulation while my body doesnt move. Really horrible. I try to interupt that now and do somethign physical instead at least, like cleaning my room etc.

But i mean generally speaking, not being present is like the core featurte of my DR. 

Everything is fragmented, like im zoning out every second etc.

Sometimes morte sometimes less. My goal is to stay at less lol..

This is exactly what I am going through two years after reading a spiritual book named "dada bhagwan" and it ruined my life i have used to be productive and active but after reading that stuff i am isolated lost social connections no one to talk to nog getting pleasure in any activity that i used to enjoy before...always a voice chatting in my mind no matter what i do I can't concentrate in any activity and i pray that i could die asap...if you are recovered or able to forget that spiritual stuff please also give me some tips....any advice would be appreciated

Hey bro, i went pretty much exactly through this and overcame it 99%.

I got dp through learning about spirituality and then obsessively starting to self inquire/ deconstruct my sense of self.

The whole process became an anxiety fueled obsession, my self started to slowly dissolve until eventually something snapped and i lost my center.

it felt like there was jsut the outside world and noone looking at it. The sense of self, what had always been the absolute foundation of my life was suddenly fucking gone.

I felt like i didnt exist.

Two several week psychward stays, and 2 years of 24/7 self inquiry and hellish torture.

Now to the good news: I did overcome it. After a few years i would get distracted for maybe a few minutes or smth and i kinda noticed that "the self" reformed when i wasnt actively deconstructing it all the time. Those moments started to evoke some hope that maybe ive been doing this to myself all the time and that i could gain my sense of self back.

Over time i gained confidence in that and the whole spiritual stuff lost its emotional power over me.

That being said, what ive seen can never be unseen. I can still switch into that "noself perspective" if i want but im not really afraid of it anymore and i dont get stuck there anymore.

But at a certain point you just have toi come to terms with the way reality is set up. And that is, that NOONE has a self "AS A THING" but as a "PROCESS". 

There is no self as thing, cant be , never wa snever will be. The self is an emergent property/ a process that gets disrupted when you analyze it too much.

While ive overcome that, the funny thing is that im still fucked because all the insane stress worsened my already existing DR and now ive been stuck in some anxiety obsession dr bullshit loop.

Funny, at the time i thought " if only this dp shit would leave everythign else is a joke in comparison". Now im sitting here obessing over other shit and ruining my life in other ways. 

Shit brain

BRO this toplayer "why cant i be present" shit is basically exactly why my DR has been so bad for the last 4 yeras or so.

Even back in the day when i never cared about DR, when i started obsessing over it, this is pretty much what happens. 

Trying to stop the spacing out which creates tension/waves and thus even more spacing out.

For me there is also anxiety attatched to not being present, which makes it potentially harder to accept it and remove the toplayer.

But anyways, crazy relatable the whole interview

Yea very much relate..the only times i can relax is after its been insanely bad for a while. 

Like my brain overheats from all the insanity and obsession until its just forcef to let go. Then i get a few hours, maybe a day of reduced stress levels and some enjoyment.

Then it ramps up again. Ive realized that for me, all the physical and mental restlessness actually comes from my 24/7 hyperawareness obsession. Thertes just too much awareness on 

FUCKING EVERYTHING.

For 5-7 days of torture i maybe get 1 day of being somewhat okay. Not a great ratio but these days are what keeps me going.

The frustrating thing is that i know that im doing this to myself but i just cant seem to stop it.

Its become so habitual..lorazepam can help because it kills the anxiety which underlies the obsession thus breaking the loop...but i dont want to take it too regularly..

same boat i guess...i get glimpses of full accepting/distracting where the anxiety eases up and the dr symptoms as well.

But they are so rare...and then i have days on end that are just torture and the thought of having to face those again and even do other shit like work etc. simultaniously just causes so much anxiety...which then makes it all worse.

Acceptance is easy as fuck when symptoms are in the background...but when you are fucking unable to be present with ANYTHING even for a second, how do you accpt that...how do you accept completely missing out on life..even tho you know its the best thing to do for recovery....its insanely hard to do when its bad