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Member Since 03 Oct 2016
Offline Last Active Dec 02 2016 08:44 PM

#380595 Describe how you feel in 3 words

Posted by KurtCobain on 17 October 2016 - 01:10 PM

I thought this would be an interesting word association activity.


Exhausted, depleted, & groggy.

#380428 My Room Is A Safe Haven.

Posted by KurtCobain on 14 October 2016 - 10:32 PM

For Some Odd Reason Every time I'm In My Bedroom Things Seem To Normal Out(somewhat). I Don't Get It, I guess My Mind Feels Safe When I'm Inside And Comfortable. When I'm Outside That's When The Derealization Starts Up, I Guess That's When My Mind Goes "Oh Shit! I'm In Danger!". I Guess That's The Norm For Everyone
Suffering From DP/DR.

I can definitely relate to this.


I agree with John, that this has a lot do with anxiety and the difference you feel between your bedroom and outside is the difference between being in the presence of others and being alone.

#380268 I'm back and here's a update/ blank mind

Posted by KurtCobain on 12 October 2016 - 02:19 PM

Sorry for the late response, haven't been on here much in the last few days. I have had depersonalization disorder for several years now, but I've also done a lot of things to make my condition worse (Such as drugs). Just judging this from people who have gotten better, it gets better over time from work and perseverance of pushing through these feelings and not letting it dictate our lives. 


I still don't get out of my apartment all that much, so there's definitely better people to talk to in regards to recovery.

#380021 Right now

Posted by KurtCobain on 07 October 2016 - 11:17 PM

a person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts, so he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusion. Pretty mind blowing. So how do I stop thinking all the time? Isn't me thinking about stopping thinking all the time still thinking? Now I'm thinking about if thinking about stopping thinking all the time is still thinking.. I feel like this is how DP/DR works; weirdly enough. It's like a massive illusion that pulls you away and tucks you inside yourself, like a hermit crab. You become lost, confused. It's a vicious cycle. 


That mindfucked me so much, but I really this quote and analogy.


Hope you're feeling better soon.

#380019 I'm back and here's a update/ blank mind

Posted by KurtCobain on 07 October 2016 - 07:29 PM

Sorry that you're feeling like that, I haven't recovered so I can't really talk about different stages in recovery.  I've been experiencing the 'blank mind' feeling amongst other things.  For me, the more overwhelmed and anxious I am, the weirder I feel and the more lost I feel. I would imagine that the slightly lost feeling would go away once you are feeling better and less anxious.  


I know it can be really hard sometimes, but things can and will get better. 


Whenever I distract myself and actually get to the point where I am enjoying an activity, everything becomes so much more manageable.  Because of this, I know that this condition is very much beatable, it just takes practice focusing our minds and staying in the present moment.


Hang in there :)

#379951 I'm back and here's a update/ blank mind

Posted by KurtCobain on 06 October 2016 - 06:17 PM

It's good to hear that your vision is better than it was previously.  Can you clarify what you want explained? 

#379934 Kid Cudi hospitalized (mental health)

Posted by KurtCobain on 06 October 2016 - 12:54 PM

Check out the 'Pursuit of happiness (megaforce version)' music video.  This feeling I get from this video has stuck with me for a long time, it's like a visual representation of the confusion and dissociation of dp/dr.



I believe dissociation to be somewhat of a spectrum, I think that some people who frequently smoke weed experience a mild version of depersonalization, I have heard many stoners talk about core feelings of dp/dr, although I very much doubt they all had full blown depersonalization.

I think Kid Cudi is most deffinetely somewhere on this spectrum.  I hope he gets better soon, or at least finds some relief.

#379860 Are you able to create clear mental images?

Posted by KurtCobain on 05 October 2016 - 02:45 PM

I can't properly visualise things in my mind, when I close my eyes I can think about things but I'm not actually painting a pictures of my thoughts.  My mother experiences this as well and I'm curious if it is related to depersonalization/anxiety.

#379843 After three years of weed induced DP, I smoked weed again. It helped..

Posted by KurtCobain on 05 October 2016 - 10:48 AM

Do not confuse something that "helps" with something that offers comfort.

I could lie in bed all day eating food because that offers comfort from my anxiety, but that doesn't mean it is helping me.


If weed is helping in any way for someone with depersonalization issues, it is because it is further dissociating you from your problems, and actually increasing your feelings of depersonalization.  This sense of comfort does not equate to doing better.


Furthermore, I just want to explain that coping mechanisms are not the same as defense mechanisms.


Going for a jog and feeling a bit better after the release of endorphins is an example of a coping mechanism, but if you were to stay in your apartment alone for a whole week without leaving, that would be a defense mechanism.  Both of these offer relief, although for different reasons.


I don't mean to come across as rude, although I believe this post to be misinformed and don't want people to worsen their condition.

#379842 Thread for people having difficulity leaving their home

Posted by KurtCobain on 05 October 2016 - 10:29 AM

Just curious to see how many people have difficulty having a job or going to school and don't really do much?


I've tried to hold down 2 jobs in the past year and I quit both of them because of the immense anxiety.


I'm enrolled in college, although I don't go to class often, because sitting in a small class with 15 other people makes me really anxious and uncomfortable.


I know depersonalization affects people differently, and with different levels of intensity, I'm just curious to see who else is in the same boat as me... where you aren't really doing too much because school/work is very difficult.


I've had days where I can't get myself to even go outside, nowadays I can, although there doesn't seem to be a whole lot that I am capable of, because of my anxiety.

#379755 staring at someone's eyes long enough makes the room dimensional

Posted by KurtCobain on 03 October 2016 - 07:40 PM

as my DP fluctuates throughout the day I notice my ability to maintain eye contact does as well. It feels creepy when I'm really DP'd\DR'd to look someone in the eyes.. almost as if they can tell something is wrong with me in that moment. 

I agree with all of this. Problem with me is that I am usually always in the state where it feels creepy to look someone in the eyes.  People at my college seem to kind of avoid eye contact or look away really quick, and it just makes me feel worse.  

#379744 My articulation of living with depersonalization

Posted by KurtCobain on 03 October 2016 - 04:03 PM

Thanks for the reply Eddy, much appreciated.  You worded your response very well; when I am face to face with someone I start to fear what they are thinking, I am scared to think of what they are see.ing  I think this may tie in with our somewhat altered or confused sense of self.


Because we feel like our mind is seperate from ourslelves, it's almost as though, subconsciously we feel like people can directly see our "separate self", and we become scared that they can read our minds or see how different we feel.

#379739 hi there :)

Posted by KurtCobain on 03 October 2016 - 03:27 PM

Hi sarah, you deffinetely don't sound weird at all.  As strange as the perceptual and visual problems can feel, many of us can relate. I am always feeling very loopy and distant, and deffinetly understand what you are describing.  The visual problems are anxiety related, when you aren't focusing on your DP/DR and become distracted by something, you don't pay attention to the weird visual stuff which makes things a lot better.

#379738 My articulation of living with depersonalization

Posted by KurtCobain on 03 October 2016 - 03:22 PM

Hi everyone,


I've suffered from pretty severe anxiety and depersonalization for several years now.  As of the time that I am writing this, my depersonalization has been so difficult the past several months that it is hard to leave my apartment, and socializing is super nerve-wracking and makes me uncomfortable. My vision is blurry, and eye contact really makes me nervous. 


I live in a perpetual state of emptiness, anxiety, and exhaustion. Every moment of my waking life feels as though my 'conscious' self is asleep.  The best analogies I can think of to describe my experience with DP/DR is feeling like I'm asleep while awake, and the emotional equivalent of the song "comfortably numb" by Pink Floyd.


Beneath all of this, is an outgoing, sociable person with a personality... but for now my personality remains in the hands of my depersonalization; nervous, spaced-out and distant.


I am 20 and live on my own, and go to college (sort-of). Yet, my perpetual confusion and indecision has me asking me asking my parents for advice over the most simple of things.


My anxiety is of the most peculiar kind, it's as though I am experiencing some sort of existential angst, regarding my place in the world.  It doesn't make me anxious talking to strangers (or anyone for that matter), it makes me anxious to converse with someone when I am overly aware of how 'unreal' I feel. I can cloak my issues and keep the conversation flowing just fine, but as soon as I am face to face with someone and have to make eye contact, it sends me in a panic and my eyes start darting around. It's as though, when looking into someone's eyes, I am suddenly and very intensely reminded that I don't live in my own world, and that other people exist just as much as I do.


If I can hide under the comfort of reflective sunglasses, I behave completely different and much calmer.


I feel the same empty feelings, and think the same anxious and repetitive thoughts day in and day out.  


I feel like I endure many internal conflicts that result because of the depersonalization; part of me wants to go socialize and escape my crippling loneliness, on the other hand, I feel so different and uncomfortable that it often makes me feel worse around others, and that I feel less anxious when I am alone. Part of me wants to complete my undergrad and then pursue law school, on the other hand, I am so anxious that it's difficult enough to survive going to class, and it is impossible to think clearly or attentively. Part of me is aware of my strengths and knows that underneath this pain I have a lot to offer and a lot going for me, and that I could potentially have a bright future, the other part of me wonders what people would think of me if I committed suicide, and if I'll just give up and seek comfort and bliss with opiates. I get minimal enjoyment out of everything, yet I'm not utterly depressed. I try so hard to be "normal" and just wish people only knew what I've been through and how hard I am trying just to get myself to class everyday. When everything feels so unreal, you become confused; should I be getting excercise? have I been watching tv too long? should I eat food even though I'm not hungry? Everything is confusing, and over-complicated... I can spend days excercising all day, or I can sit on my ass on my computer all day and both days would feel relatively the same. I don't do drugs anymore, and haven't for nearly 6 months.


Perpetual mental exhaustion and anxiety are a profound psychological journey, everyday feels like I'm lost in a distant psyschadelic world and have to maneuvare my way through.


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to write this, and let some of my thoughts out.  Much love goes out to anyone and everyone who wakes up with depersonalization and/or anxiety, when this troubling state becomes your norm it can be quite difficult.  


I don't seek sympathy, if anything, I want to be understood.