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ReiTheySay

Member Since 04 Aug 2016
Offline Last Active Jul 22 2020 03:06 PM
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#618348 My own reflection exhausts me?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 02 June 2020 - 05:43 AM

Hey Rei, I am not DPd atm, but I still have a problem with my reflection...it is almost triggering for me, if I look too long at the mirror, I can feel the DP hovering over me, but then I do not get DPd...I have the same problem with photographs, so it is not just a reflection thing...perhaps it has more to do with identifying with oneself, than with DP? Idk, this is just some wild guess, I didn't put much thought into it, but I was intrigued by your account...

 

It was almost triggering for me not too long ago. Although it still can come and go, the triggering aspect. I used to be the same with photographs too. I don't react to them the same I did before DP though. Nothing at all is the same before it but somehow it gets better.

 

Can you elaborate on having to do with identifying oneself?

I've read a study before on DP patients where I think the parts of the brain responsible for identifying faces doesn't function normally as well as the emotional memory

 

 

Brain researchers  say the eye is the window to the soul, and  if you have a soul, that it resides in the temporal lobe of your brain.  They also say the temporal lobe is "exquisitely prone to insult"

My temporal lobe was insulted when I was 17.   Immediately  following my first exposure to cannabis, I had powerfulI temporal lobe seizures.  I lost my emotions and also lost limbic resonance.

https://en.wikipedia...imbic_resonance

I could no longer relate to my mirror image as I once had.  The damage in my limbic region  was clouding my vision.  I developed recurrent major depression featuring severe insomnia and anxiety

from this incident and I continued to experience focal temporal lobe seizures for decades thereafter. I also experienced frequent ocular migraine aura.

40 years later, I had an EEG which showed I had significant pathology in my dominant temporal lobe. That damage had occurred when I was 17.

At 57, I was told I was disabled from an event which had occurred 40 years earlier.  I had retired early, so I just added the disability check to my monthly income.

I had ECT in 2014, which seems to have cured the depression.  The focal seizures stopped somewhere in the mix.  Life goes on.

 

Thank you for sharing

 

I still remember this from messaging you a couple years ago. I actually had EEG and brain MRI done since then and they found nothing. My psychiatrist was almost confident I had epilepsy and was quite confused when I came back with the results that he actually told me he couldn't help me.

 

 

Bizarre how they came up with the conclusion of disability 40 years later

 

I can't help but wonder how science hasn't gotten to this yet. Especially with 'concrete' brain pathology in regard to it...




#618246 My own reflection exhausts me?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 30 May 2020 - 02:34 AM

Hey

 

As I try to improve and expand the areas in which I'm getting better & comfortable... I try new things I wasn't able to at the beginning

 

Looking at the mirror was so impossible for me. Now, it's OK. It's not the worst thing ever, not always, but most of the time.

But... let's saying dancing in front of a mirror for example, exhausts the fuk out of me.

I don't know why!

Maybe the reason is obvious... but I'm not as dissociating when looking at it, I guess I am dissociating but in a different, having coped, kind of way, that is milder,

yet

being a person and talking and dancing while seeing my reflection leaves me after with such an exhaustion as if I went on a hike

 

does anyone else with chronic dpdr relate?

does anyone else feel like they're weirdly stuck in that aspect?




#617856 The life-changing power of words : Kristin Rivas at TedxRainier

Posted by ReiTheySay on 15 May 2020 - 07:19 PM

 

 

It was such an important trait of how my mind worked - treating memories in non-linear way, but rather as nodes within a mesh, playing them simultaneously over and over again

 

 

This is so interesting. treating memories in non-linear way..

Thanks for sharing this.

 

 

I might go back to the video when I feel like I can watch it, and share my thoughts. Thanks for sharing, Phantasm. 




#608238 it seems to me that most.people who suffer from dp/dr are caucasian ...wtf

Posted by ReiTheySay on 22 October 2019 - 11:58 AM

you know how black people r mostly athletic.. not to be racist but its kinda true.. back in the day breeding slaves and they got better athletic genes, its just facts but i think us white people, you know sitting on our asses back in the day, breeding with each other

 

Based on your theory, Black people would be the ones who are more likely to suffer from it then. The mental torture they went through "back in the day" will forever be indescribable and that has got to have done something to their mental health generation after the other. So if anything they would be affected the most. Also Black people are prone to high blood pressure and heart disease. Healthy body =/= strong-looking physique.

Keep in mind it's a cultural thing within many communities not to speak about your mental health especially if you're already busy trying to put food on the table.

 

Race has nothing to with it.




#608104 emotional detachment in hand with anxiety?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 18 October 2019 - 07:57 PM

One of DPDR's symptoms is impairment in 'emotional memory'. For example, for so long with DPDR I couldn't feel anything towards my mother. I'd look at her, and there's nothing. I rationally recognize it's my mom, but I don't feel anything towards her, at all.

It's no longer a symptom I struggle with, but I've experienced a weird thing recently.

My brother was driving me back home from the hospital one day, he took an unfamiliar, longer, road because it was less traffic. It was nighttime.

It felt weird. Like he wasn't my brother, or possibly a human, I had an unwavering feeling of being kidnapped. Maybe not kidnapped, but like he wasn't my brother, in a way something evil was going on, it felt, and the way the dark dimmed streets looked, felt like there was no existence of time, or my real life had actual relevance. Like we were in a tunnel in time and space.

I could not shake it off not matter what I did.

It honestly doesnt sound benign to me.

I did experience a similar feeling today going on a trip with my family but I think something distracted me before it could go on any longer.

 

Anyone experiencing something similar?

 




#606962 Alternative to Seroquel?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 26 September 2019 - 07:50 PM

Has anyone been on Quetiapine before and switched to a new medication that works the same or better (not worsening dpd)?

I'm on it mostly for insomnia now and helps with anxiety. My concern is around the fact that it's not good for people with heart history or diabetes. I haven't been diagnosed but have a family history of both so who knows

So if you have any good experience with an alternative without drastic side effects -sounds impossible for antipsychotics but- share please




#605980 Books/novels you read with Depersonlized characters or author?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 06 September 2019 - 07:47 PM

Literature is full of metaphor and other flowery language that is best understood in its own contextual universe and not based on some literal interpretation of the words used.

 

It’s important to consider what “feeling numb” towards his mother’s death means within the structure of “the Stranger”. Are we speaking of a literal sense of emotionless or numbness, like there is something wrong with the subject’s sense organs? It’s been awhile since I’ve read it too, and my brain is garbage these days anyways. I’m not saying you’re wrong either; as far as the classics go I think Camus as well as Sartre are probably highly relatable to people like us. 

 

How literature is best understood is a matter of opinion. Different schools of literary criticism view it fundamentally differently, and so does any given reader.

I get your point. That's why surely I wouldn't isolate one aspect or 'symptom' and make it suit what I'd rather believe it to be. Wouldn't be accepted academically to begin with, and I would offend myself having chronic DP, don't worry.

 

 

Once you experience the emotional death and  journey to depression hell, it is as if you have

created a pathway in your brain which you will be required to walk again at intervals in your life.  Sufferers average 4 or 5 episodes in their lifetime.

In the Hobbit, by Tolkien,  Bilbo Baggins is stabbed by a Nazgul on a hilltop where he and friends were camping for the night.  The wound  was made by an evil sword, and the wound would never completely heal.

That was like the wound that was left by my seizures.  My EEGs would  never be normal after that incident.

 

Very true.

It takes a lot to come to terms with the permanent reality of DP as well as any traumatic incident prior (yet allow for a space to heal, though being aware it's never to the point of returning to the same reality and self before).

Interesting how literature and art allow us to understand or express ourselves better. Thank you for sharing.

 

 

The Stranger is one. It’s a short book. I think it had more to do with morality, but the character definitely seemed detached the entire time. Camus might have slipped into a state of permanent DR himself. In the end, the character decides nothing matters, which seems out of character for your average DP sufferer.

Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre is similarly about a guy who feels weird and detached, and it’s vert existential. I never read it, but it seems to have less to do with morality.

Some of the darker Nine Inch Nails stuff sounds like it’s about DP. “The me that you know is now made up of wires, and even when I’m right with you, I’m so far away.” I mostly listen to music.

Someone recommended a short story about a kid who cut his face and then took some old-timey antidepressants which made the world feel alien. Then I was recommended another story about an old-timey guy on a boat talking to another passenger about how he just didn’t feel the things he was supposed to anymore. Sorry I forgot the titles.

 

I a lot of music I listen to, too, and stumble on have resonated with me and does sound too much like DP.

I have a copy of Nausea that I haven't been able to touch again as the few first pages I read stung too much and reminded me of early suffocating times with DP. It really does make me nauseous to read.

I do believe in the correlation of existentialism and DP. It's all over this forum. Existence can put us in a never-ending anxious state of we were to remove the normalizing and familiarizing of it by society and culture. Perhaps, if you're predisposed to anxiety, and your mind ponders insistently the reason behind it all, something breaks off and never be the same with your brain. Never enough research and funding though to actually have any substantial evidence to these theories.

I might look into short stories rather than novels now. Thank you for sharing




#604230 What were you like before DP?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 31 July 2019 - 09:20 AM

I don't know if you know about or subscribe to MBTI types but I an ENFP and I was pretty much exactly that. Super outgoing, had a ton of friends, always working on creative projects, had plans to travel when i got out of school, wanted to save the world. Now I'm.. well none of that lol. Just scared and out of it. Don't have many friends anymore and the ones I do have I don't see. I can barely go outside.

 

I get that. The creativity part. I wanted to travel and save the world too haha.

I didn't have many close friends, the ones I did have, I had so much fun being with them. Now, it's more of a burden. Being with people is overwhelming most of the time. I do try my best.




#604228 What were you like before DP?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 31 July 2019 - 09:13 AM

Right but It’s hard though trying to act like everything is okay when it’s not lol my friends and family know I have “anxiety” if I explained dp, they would probably think I’m really crazy. What were you like b4 this?

 

Right?

I've explained DP to my mom, printing out clinical symptoms and all. Don't think she really got it. She still thinks it's some form of same ol' depression of mine and that's it.

 

I got DP when I was a teenager. I loved spending time alone, and that's mostly all I did. My inner life had always been so rich that it was more than enough being with myself, even if I was doing nothing. I loved me.

I danced a lot, almost all day, in the mirror. This thing is impossible now. Unless I wanted to risk aggravating all my symptoms and be in a foggy disorienting mental state for the rest of the day, or time.

My reflection triggers DP. There are times, so rare, but they exist, where I do dance and look at myself and it's 50% okay. Can't have it as a daily habit though anymore.

 

In being independent of people pre-DP, having DP especially in the beginning was so damaging to my self image! I found myself wanting to run away from myself into social situations ALL the time. Of course everyone had other things to do. Didn't know then it just made things all worse.




#604110 What were you like before DP?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 29 July 2019 - 12:55 PM

How would you describe yourself before DP? Not how it feels like, but how you were like as a person




#603792 Everything feels fake

Posted by ReiTheySay on 23 July 2019 - 12:16 PM

I'm so sorry to hear this.

That's what makes DPDR a hell like no other.

Being hyperaware of the situation fuels it, then you keep burning. Just know this, there are people who have been where you are right now, and they did come out with their sanity intact enough. And lived on.




#603436 Just STOP and know your Reality

Posted by ReiTheySay on 10 July 2019 - 07:49 AM

I don't even know what you're trying to say brother




#601720 Has anyone tried feeling as a technique?

Posted by ReiTheySay on 02 June 2019 - 07:04 PM

have you been to a chiropractor etc yet? Cause if things arfent properly alligned in your spine thats known to be a possible cause for dpdr

 

Is that really a possible legitimate cause? I don't want to get my hopes up.

Has there been any reported cases?




#599854 the face of a depersonalised person

Posted by ReiTheySay on 28 April 2019 - 02:27 PM

Not really. DPD is unfair like that. We can never quite reflect how it feels for us, unlike other disorders.

Sometimes I look in the mirror trying to find something that shows my disassociation, that I don't feel like I'm looking at myself 100%, but it's just a person.

 

But, I think if it wasn't a picture, and it was in person it may be different.. because something about these micro expressions and the way you carry yourself can say something.

A friend used to call me a 'zombie' in college because I always looked dead to them (good! I felt dead)




#599566 Perception of Time

Posted by ReiTheySay on 21 April 2019 - 08:15 PM

i feel time is very fluid somehow, its been so long i dont remember how time used to be. i can be lying in bed at night thinking that the day lasted too long, but, at the same time, that it happened fast.
or, when i wake up, i have doubts if the things that occurred the day before really happened.

also, i dont like thinking about the future, unless its about tomorrow or a few hours into the future, its weird.

 

I feel like we spend so much in inner time rather being present within the external time due to dissociation

 

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and so it is with time.  When I was young, one summer would fill several years of my adult life.  I took a 2 week vacation to the interior of Alaska and cruised the Inside Passage.  I saw so many new things

that my 2 weeks seemed more like 2 months.  When in severe anxiety and suffering from insomnia, a few minutes can seem like an hour.  4 hours can seem like a week.  Time is part of the space time continuum.  It is subject to perception.

But, it is a constant.  You are the variable..  

Objectively speaking, it does exist.

It is just this lacking, distant perception of it.

It doesn't sync anymore with my subjective experience of everyday personally.

 

I read pretty recently that humans perceive to through experience. As in we equate how long ago things were based on what we went through at that time, and since our subjectivity/experience/perception is kinda of skewed it makes sense our perception of time also is

 

interesting. makes sense indeed.