I woke up feeling off, like yesterday, like all the days before for as long as I can remember.
I have always felt off in the world, disconnected, like I was not really there, like I was playing a part in my own movie, like my movie was added in the reality after the fact, like my character was added on an exisiting photo but was not part of it when the picture was taken. I have always been disconnected from others, watching the world from a thick glass, perceptible only for me.
If I see a picture of myself taken only 5 minutes ago (or before) that is not me anymore, simply not me.
I feel like I have been on automatic pilot since the beginning.
I tell myself stories of my life several times a day and at night before I go to sleep, I have to force myself to be in the real world but it is very hard. I always feel like an actor, when eating, when taking a walk. Not feeling special or unique in a postiive or spectacular way, just feeling different, off.
Some life came back when I had both my kids, and I then felt alive for the first time in my life. Interracting with them are the only momemnts when I feel real, most of the time. But even them feel that offness sometimes while interracting with me, and one of them said to me once, I dunno it was weird (about my behavior after a concert we went to together).
Some faint suicide ideation has been haunting me lately, not that I think I woul never act on it, could not do that to my kids, but it is there, all the same.
Maybe that is also why all my relationships failed, including friendships and why I am divorced.
Maybe it is from personal history of childhood abuse and being displaced several times.
Watching movies, listening to music, getting immersed in TV series are where I kinda connect, feel good, feel alive.
This morning, I don't know why, It was too much, I went on the net and typed "I always feel off in my life" an there it was, the explaination, the reason, the answer, finally ... I think Ihave dp/dr, It all makes so much sense, finally something that does, that fits. One of the links was to this site, hopefully a virtual home.
I see a therapist once a month (cause expensive) I am afraid to tell him, what if he dismisses it, what if I am wrong and am still lost, even if dpdr feels so "right".