Carl_34_m_UK

This is one of the strangest sensations. Where you are just out and about. as everyone else is but you just look around in some trance like state and feel like nothing is real, or what is reality? What is all this around me and all these people just wandering around without a care in the world? Their only concern is which bananas are cheapest! But they are living day in day out without questioning what is going on around them or anything existential. I know because I used to be one of them. It really makes you realise how different life is now, to have such things as relationship troubles or financial troubles etc are a thing of the past. All those types of issues are irrelevant now...with the dp\dr existential stuff, you've got to get over the hurdle of the fact you exist before any issues WITHIN life. Life itself is an issue so how the heck to you try to mingle in with the rest of the world. Every conversation is just fake, trying to act like there is nothing wrong. I'd actually rather not engage in conversation as I don't have to find words to pretend. It's quite sad as I used to be the complete opposite and a fun outgoing person. It's quite a reality check on how much this literally robs you of the person you once were. I'm just appreciating that this happened at the age of 34 - so I had 34 normal years on this earth. I feel for people who are suffering at a much younger age and may never recover (sorry but not everyone comes out of this)

I think the hardest part is accepting it though. I mean I don't actually want to be the person I am now and to be thinking the way I am. My whole perception of life is completely screwed up to the point where I don't like it and don't want to live like this.. but what choice do I have? This is me and I can't do anything about it. I'm sure people who have had any other kind of illness don't want it but they have to live with it. What we have to deal with is also an illness, it's just nobody can see it.

 

I'd do anything to go back to who I was before this started - we all would but I don't read many stories of this happening. Also the fact that I've had these thoughts 24x7 for over a year now, pretty much has my mind made up that they won't go away. It sucks and I hate it, as it's such a turning point in life to accept things could possibly be this way forever. Lets hope we all live to an old age and this is just a bad (long) period of life

I think this is common with just about everyone on here. If not 100% of people. Some people come out of it. We just have to hope and pray. All the best to you. I know how terrifying it is.

I keep telling myself to keep acting normal and it'll pass eventually. I've been having these thoughts now all day every day for 7 months. I really don't see how it's all going to change. It's the opposite. Like the longer it goes on, the more it becomes hard coded in to me. It's almost like to not feel this way wouldn't be right. My mind has re wired itself to live with this now and it is in now way letting up with time.

It's so upseting how these (DP\DR) conditions give people suicidal thoughts. I had never in 35 years had thoughts of this nature and alwys lived life as it is just too short. If someone would have told me that one day you will consider taking your own life then I would have not have believed them.

 

I wonder how many of the daily suicides in the world are people suffering from this? I could never bring myself to do it and hope that never changes but I have had thoughts of neding things as to live with it is just living hell.

 

How any condition can make us feel this way is just not right

Hi.. read my posts and see if you think they relate? I think too much and it's got me in to such a bad way.

Hi,

 

A while back earlier this year.. in about April, I suffered a massive anxiety issue that resulted in a spell of DP\DR. The de realization faded away, which was the dream like state and life seemed like a daydream. I'm pleased that wenty but during that time my whole thinking patterns changed. I'm still struggling with what I believe to be an existential crisis but it also seems so much more thatn that. Rather than just living life day to day without any thoughts, I'm stuck with this constant questioning. It's as if I've suddenly realised that everything is actually nothing. Like what IS anything? The keyboard I'm typing on is made of plastic which is just atoms. What is vison and hearing.. yes I know they are senses but how do senses work? What are thoughts? I honeslty live every second of the day questioning what everything is. Is realitly even real? What is the point of existing? There are a whole load of existential questions that plague me like a cognitive shift in how I perceive the world. In a nutshell it's like I don't actually like being alive. I don't want to die as in suicidal but it's like all of a sudden the whole dynamics of everything are just too complex and I just find it all to much to be able to enjoy life. I feel very isolated by this.. I used to enjoy life and was always a live for the moment as life is too short kinda person. I've completely changed and have been for 7 months now. I know this DP\Dr stuff is hell on earth for all of us but for me being so disturbed(?) about existence and constantly questioning 'what is anything?'. I'm not looking for answers to what anything is but it's like a transition in my whole perception of life. It's such a struggle trying to act and be the person always knew me to be. I've also become very nihilistic as I just see the whole life and existence thing as completey pointless and meaningless. I understand peope saying live life and be happy. But ultimately being happy or sad is irrelevent. We are all just passing time each day like sheep until we die. I'm in this constant limbo of not wanting to die but being alive and reality has just become so complex to me that I don't like it. It's like walking in to a job you hate each day but having to deal with it. I feel like that about being alive.. I just don't like it but there is no escape. I don't reallty know how esle to explain this but the dynamics of being alive and existence has turned round on me and I hate it.

 

Anyone else have this constant questioning about what anything is?

It's not that it's negative. It's that it's the horrible truth and I feel exactly the same. I'm petrified all day long

When these thoughts first hit me there was this sudden intense feeling of terror throughout my whole body. This feeling has not left me for 5 months now. It's horrible but I've accepted that it has ruined my life. It's not an on off thought or set of thoughts. It's this sudden realisation and awareness of my existence that has left me in some sort of shock with terror and anxiety. I think everyone is able to deal with these thoughts differently but for some reason they have terrified me and I cannot change or unsee what has happened. I've been in hospital for 3 weeks with therapy which hasn't helped at all. I know deep down that nothing can change this. I just find our existence as human being so strange and disturbing now. We are no different to any other living being on this planet or in the universe. It's all very pointless and meaningless amd such a realisation has left me with 24x7 anxiety and fear

I've been suffering this for the past 3 months. 24x7 from the second I'm awake to the second I try to sleep. I've become so terrified amd disturbed by my own existence. It's like all of a sudden I've realised what it means to he a human being
Just an existence of thoughts amd constantly aging. You don't get a break from being alive from the moment you're born to the day you die
I find the whole concept completely disturbing and my skin burns with fear all day long. I don't know how to come out of this. It's not dp dr anymore this has taken over and is what I've been left with. How can I ever be at peace when it's existence itself that terrifies me.

You used the term fear of existing which is exactly how I feel all the time. It's like I've come to some realisation about being alive and I just don't like it. It sounds really strange but I don't like being alive. I don't see the point and the whole concept of just being born to age and eventually die at some point. the whole thing disturbs me all day long now. It's like I'm being forced to live and I'm just stuck being alive. I don't actually want to die but being alive and existing does scare me. I might point out my dp dr has gone but I've been left with this way of thinking which will not go.

Well I'm being admitted to a psychiatric hospital on Monday. It's a private one so will hopefully get the help I need. Not sure how long I'll be in there

I have seen a consultant psychiatrist who has referred me to a psycologist. I've seen the psychologist about 5 times and wall he is doing is is telling me to keep doing what I'm doing ie carrying on with my 'normal' day to day life. It's painful to do but I have been carrying on in the hope that everything will connect again.

 

I was hoping he'd put a lot more interest and effort in to understanding the thoughts\realizations that I'm having. He's not really touched on the thoughts themselves but focusing on trying to keep myself grounded I think. I think he is struggling because I was already doing all the things he'd try and get someone to do so all he does, every time I see him, is give me reassurance and ensure that I continue to do what I'm doing. I can't say he's helped at all really. He doesn't have any magic technique or suggestions but I think he's lost with what to suggest to me, I can't blame him as I don't even expect him to understand how bizarre and strange this all is. How do you start to advise someone who doesn't undertand what 'time' is and is scared\freaked out about being alive and the whole concept of life itself?

Wow! Oh my gosh thank you so much for all your replies. I wasn't sure what to expect but I'm really greatful and appriciate the time you guys have given me already.

 

I cannot explain the mental agony I am in with this. It's like my mind is trying to battle itself - literally. One half is trying to 'live' the same way it has done for 34 years, the other half is almost trying to stop my life - as in stop time because it can't make sense of this continual change of the present. The side that is trying to stop time cannot keep up because time is continual and so is the change of what is present. I think I could manage this mental battle if it wasn't for the agony of it. It's almost a physical feeling and it's now developed in to something and I'm completely scared of what has happened to me.

I'm now getting feelings as though I'm being forced to live. I mean - you don't get a choice. Where you're alive that's it.. you have to be alive. I find it painful to accept that life is like one long episode. From Being born untill you die there is no break.. people see sleeping at day\night as like a break almost but it is not a break from being alive. You are just resting your body and mind. I find this continual 'episode' of what it means to be alive terrifying for some reason. This is the most horrible thing to happen to me. I've become scared of being alive and I just don't like being alive because the logic of it all; the logic that others take for granted, has become scary to me.

As time passes, the moment that was once the present becomes part of the past; and part of the future, in turn, becomes the new present. The past and future do not exist and are only concepts used to describe the real, isolated, and changing present.

My mind is in a constant agonising mental block, trying to make sense of this continual change in events and time.

This all started with a simple movement of my hand, which my mind then questioned.. where did that movement go? It has instantly disappeared in to the ‘past’ but where has it gone?

This is being applied to every single moment of my day to day life – constantly. It’s like my mind cannot grasp the concept of this continual change is what is ‘present’. There is no way to answer this. This is life, yet my mind is no longer satisfied with this simple answer. I’m stuck in this paradox of being alive having to live with this.

I can no longer let my mind go to my memory or think of ‘past’ events as I just cannot make sense of it. The same applies to future. I cannot think of the ‘future’ because it is no longer simple – my mind cannot make sense of it

It causes a feeling of constant insanity and sometimes becomes so intense. I have lived the past six weeks having to block out every part of my mind as there is no escape from this – this is reality. How do I escape reality? Or how can I cope with how I now perceive life? It is such a drastic change\state of mind that it has completely consumed my life and is now a constant state of mind.

I know that this is irreversible. It’s like a realisation that I just can’t make sense of, rather than a thought process. I feel trapped inside my own body and there is nothing I can do. I feel ‘stuck’ with having to be alive because I cannot make sense of what I’m feeling and I don’t actually like the concept of being ‘alive’. My mind cannot escape from itself, nor cannot I simply think of something else. This whole concept\ realization has detached me from reality and I cannot remember what life was like before this.

Half of my brain\mind is running on autopilot with the way it has known life to be for 34 years but in parallel to that, the other part is trying to battle against itself. It’s as if the other half wants\needs time and life to just stop – to stop this never ending constant change of what is ‘present’. It’s like trying to stop an oncoming moving train with your bare hands. I cannot explain the mental pain of this. It sounds crazy but it is very real for me and affecting my whole life.

I feel like life as I knew it has gone and I can’t ‘un see’ this whole new concept of life
Any ‘normal’ part of life has now become irrelevant – children, partner, family, work, eating, drinking, sleeping. Everything is a constant reminder of what ‘life’ now is to me – just one continual change that my mind cannot accept. I don’t logically see the point of anything and what is going on.

I need help to at least cope with this or rid me of the constant feeling of insanity. The anxiety, feeling of panic, feeling trapped with being alive is at the surface of my mind and body constantly and has been for 6 weeks now. It is mental torture as my mind is in a conflict with itself. One half is living how it has been all my life, the other wants everything to just stop as it can’t make sense of being alive

It's become a physical feeling in my mind and I feel as though I'm being forced against my will to live. I’m human and have no choice but to be alive. How have I come to dislike the whole concept of being alive and this constant change has become so complex that I’m constantly trying to mentally fight it. I feel as though I’m becoming more and more detached from reality (whatever that is)

When my children (or anyone) talk to me for example I'm not focused on what they are saying but rather I’m wondering where the constant movements of their mouths are disappearing to. I cannot explain the mental agony of this - my mind trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle constantly.

I need someone to understand what I'm trying to describe here.. Life and everything about it has become so strange and alien to me. I don’t feel like I understand the whole concept of time anymore.. what is a second, minute, day, week or month? These are just words to describe fragments of future. It’s so difficult to imagine any part of the future – it’s like future has become a false term to me. When I try and think of it, I just have some kind of mental block that is almost painful. It’s like I’ve forgotten to think in the same way that I used to.

I’m scared of who I’ve become and it feels like part of my mind has been damaged with this. I’m not even sure if I want help anymore.

For example sometimes I will stand up and look at the seat I was just in. I find it so hard to accept that I am no longer sat there.

Even though I should want to feel ‘normal’ again, it’s what ‘normal’ is that makes me feel this way. I feel like I just don’t like life and existing. Also I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be the person I was. It seems too naive to not live this way. Now that I’ve been exposed to what is truly reality.