Like, "mh, I'm really experiencing all of this right now, but why? why am i even here, what's the purpose of all this?"
What do you want for an answer? It seems that you're assuming some sort of human-relatable reason here, some sort of agency and objective purpose behind it all, like there was some entity—who of course thinks exactly like a human—who thought it would be cool to have all this stuff doing all this stuff, and so it made the stuff do stuff. Yeah, you're not the only one, hence the existence of so many different religions. We just want to shove agency everywhere; it's natural for us to do so. Doesn't mean there is actual agency everywhere. There is probably no reason, at least the kind that would satisfy you, for your existence. There sure are physical processes that gave rise for your existence, but there isn't some grand cosmic narrative with a protagonist and antagonist that you're probably looking for here.
Here's the reason for your existence: billions of years of evolution.
I think your question is essentially a loaded one. You're assuming something unsubstantiated in your question. It's basically asking "what purpose did my creator have (for me) when he made me?" I think your question has that embedded into it. I'm sorry if that's ultimately a strawman, but that's how I interpret your predicament.
Clearly the evidence, what we know of biological organisms and the universe, won't satisfy you as a reason for your existence. That's why you're grasping here. You seem to want something you can relate to, that there was a consciousness that wanted something with us humans. You want objective purpose given to us by some sort of agent. Something neat and convenient like that, that appeals to your human mind. Well, you're out of luck and stuck forever if that's what you want because the evidence is not coming in.
For those who've also suffered from depression while dp'd, how did you deal with the existential thoughts?
DP never gave me any more existential thoughts than I had prior to it. I don't see why it needs to. If my sense of self is distorted, I have no reason to attribute it to anything but some sort of neurological disturbance because that's what it really is. Nothing more. The self-construct is a result of the physical interaction of neurons just like everything else, and prone to abnormalities which then directly impact your consciousness.
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