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#1 badsidejoe

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Posted 25 May 2020 - 02:47 PM

Hi community,

 

I'd like to excuse any mistakes in advance, my English is not the best and I'm a big mess right now .

 

I'm suffering from diagnosed DPDR since 2014 from a bad mdma trip while totally drunk and blacked out. The onset was two days delayed. It started with the mother of all panic attacks while smoking weed and having a flash back regarding the bad trip.

Ever since live feels different. The first 4 years I was convinced I'd have some kind of drug induced anxiety disorder. I was put on Lexapro and I got my life managed, with the dreadfull feelings always staying in the back and lingering around. There have been bad relapses but they never took longer then a few weeks to subside. I always reached the baseline level of anxiety and dissociation I just talked About, but I was never really happy - live was Always a struggle to some degree. Last year everything changed. I stumbled upon the concept of solipsism, which sent me in an episode of full blown existential OCD for months. That was when I made the connection between my problems and the Depersonalization/Derealization pisorder, because a lot of people who had this problem were on forums and subs about DPDR. Later I got officially diagnosed with DPDR. Even if the solpisism obession lost it's impact over time, I was in a bad constitution. That's why I asked my therapist for a switch in medication. He told me I should try Prozac, as this adresses the OCD component more effective. I thought it was worth a shot. Oh Boy was I wrong. I started 5 days ago and I'm nearly suicidal with panic attacks, anxious rumination and a feeling of unbearable threat. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I should get through the day.

One of my biggest mental Problems is the never ending search for a ultimative reason. I never was 100% satisfied with the DPDR diagnosis. I have massive bouts of anxiety all the time and I ruminate a lot. Life feels strange ever since all this started back in 2014 but I never left my body or felt like a robot. It more feels like existence and reality made a shift and got very compliacted and alienated. Nothing makes sense anymore. Everything feels like a dream. Everything lacks it's visual quality. I do see like an eagle, but everythin I look at does not make as much sense as before, it's very hard to describe  Sometimes I don't understand how I could live before all that, not asking what all this is I live in. One day I think its OCD I have, the other day GAD and the next day I think its DPDR. Maybe its all three together, but how can one bad trip trigger a whole package of different severe mental disorders. And if this really is the case, I reached the end of the rope because this sounds like a death sentence.

I suffer for 6 years and I'm losing hope. Hope was the only driver, giving me enough energy to go through this all. Without it I have lost.

Sure, it's possibly the medication switch making everything darker then it is right now, but I don't know what to do from here. 

If anyone of you have an advice for me, I'd be very grateful, because I'm just devestated.

Thanks for reading.



#2 forestx5

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Posted 25 May 2020 - 04:56 PM

Just a few comments.  You say you experienced a 2 day delay before the onset of your symptoms.  I have seen that numerous times in similar posts of others.   My theory is that your drug experience was a stimulus which resulted in  a genetic switch which ended a biological process in  your brain.

A protein key to a process stops being produced, and you have a couple days reserves before the protein is used up and the process ends, bringing with it the change in your consciousness.  This may sound crazy, but I read of it in the book "Genome" by

Matt Ridley, in which he explains how psychological stimulus can cause genetic switching.  In other words, an experience doesn't have to have a "macro" physical component in order to hurt you. The experience can have an impact at the "micro" level.

My alteration of consciousness followed powerful epileptic seizures.  My "post ictal psychosis segued into an affective disorder of major depression," according to an excerpt from a British Neurological Journal.  Recurrent Major Depression can have a pandora's box

full of symptoms, and I seemed to have experienced them all.  Insomnia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideations, extreme fatigue, vestibular issues, head tremor, ocular migraines, spells with alterations of consciousness, etc., etc. After decades of suffering,

through my own research, I learned of the epileptic nature of the origins of my illness.  I ordered an EEG and MRI and the results showed I was correct as I had significant pathology in my temporal lobe consistent with a history of epileptic seizures. I underwent ECT in 2014, and my only symptoms 6 years later,

are the occasional ocular migraine. I describe the ECT as having reset my brain's firmware to factory defaults.  In other words, any genetic processes I may have accidently switched off, may have gotten switched back on through the ECT.

I don't know.  I just know I am much better after suffering horribly for 40 years. I recommend the EEG for anyone who is experiencing significant symptoms. I would recommend the ECT to anyone suffering from serious symptoms of major depression.



#3 badsidejoe

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Posted 25 May 2020 - 05:11 PM

Hi forest, thanks for your answer. I'm very glad you found your way through this. I cannot imagine how it must be to life for 40 years with such a condition.
I have no seizures I think. I have had done a EEG 2 weeks after my bad trip, but this came back without special findings. Would you suggest doing another one?

#4 forestx5

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Posted 26 May 2020 - 06:14 AM

I don't think there are typically complications with EEG testing.  I think it is fairly straight forward.  If you had one and passed, you can take comfort that

you don't have a serious neurological illness which can be detected by EEG.  That's something to be grateful for.

https://www.healthline.com/health/eeg

On the other hand, it doesn't give you answers to your current situation.

I think of it this way.  You are either getting better, worse, or staying the same.

If you are getting worse, then it is more likely you will get a diagnosis and appropriate treatment,  unless you get referred to psychiatry which is a black hole.

You are getting better, so time is on your side.

You are staying the same, which means you will have a new normal to adapt to, which is not the worst case scenario.

In any event, the best you can do is take the best of care of yourself and give time the opportunity to improve your situation.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.  I consider myself extremely lucky to have solved the riddle of my illness.



#5 Aridity

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Posted 26 May 2020 - 01:06 PM

Try to continue your medication, unless you really can't handle it anymore. But always discuss that with your caregiver, other than that. Try to do body approached therapy, I truly believe that's the key in this disorder. The body needs to feel safe



#6 Gorbachev

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Posted 02 June 2020 - 12:02 PM

Hi, forestx5, I have mini temporal lobe epilepsy as shown in the EGG. You know what this could mean? Can this be related to dpdr? I saw in another topic about your problem. What kind of epilepsy did you have and how do I check if I have the same? Is your dpdr permanent or it appears after epileptic episodes? My epilepsy is asymptomatic. It just showed in the EGG.

#7 Chip1021

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Posted 22 June 2020 - 01:31 PM

Hi there. There isn’t much help I can give, seeing as I haven’t had much success in treating my own whatever-the-hell-this-is, but there is one thing you said in your post that perhaps I can help with.

A lot of your post is focused on what to call this thing that you are experiencing, and whether or not you were correctly diagnosed or if you “really” have this or that mental health condition.

The thing about taxonomy—categories—is that it is necessary to human progress, but especially to communication. In order to find a solution to a given problem, it’s important to identify what the problem is. But taxonomy alone is a very poor path to knowledge and understanding. Nature, especially human nature, rarely falls into neat little discrete boxes. Processes occur organically. No one person’s experience is exactly the same as another’s. And sure, while some “mental health” conditions are more specific and easily labeled (eating disorders, specific phobias, etc), what most of us deal with on this forum is more difficult to place into a simple category. I, for example, found my way to this forum merely because it spoke to one aspect of my experience that I couldn’t find descriptions of anywhere else. But I don’t relate to most of the fears and anxieties and experiences of most others on here. So who here has “true” DP? Such a thing doesn’t exist. At least, not in nature.

I probably said way more than was necessary there, so I hope it didn’t trigger you any more. The point I’m trying to get at though, is to try not to get too focused on the label, and try to understand your symptoms and measure improvements based on your own life experience, values, and goals.

#8 badsidejoe

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Posted 23 June 2020 - 03:35 AM

Thanks for your answer. It's just so hard to let this thought go. It feels like I had to figure it out to ultimately get better. Maybe that's where the OCD part comes in.

#9 Where

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Posted 23 June 2020 - 11:07 AM

You can try different solutions, and if one helps then that might give you a hint as to what is triggering your DP. About obsessing, DP and many other brain conditions are not well understood, so spending hours each day wondering exactly what is wrong might not be fruitful, though you may be able to participate in research to try and help solve the puzzle. You could also visit some MDs to try and rule out any identifiable causes, but keep in mind most cases seem to be triggered by psychological stress, which most MDs aren't well trained to help with. Some psychiatrists can be helpful, though they are expensive, and often their psychmed prescriptions and philosophical insights aren't enough to cure DP. This is just a reflection of my experience, so if you experience anything different, please let us know.

It js possible to have OCD, GAD, and DP at the same time. Far as I'm aware, there's nothing contradictory about that. Some practitioners won't make a DPD diagnosis if they believe the DP is secondary to another disorder, and the DSM 5 says not to. If your DP is triggered by anxiety, then lessening your anxiety might partially or fully alleviate it.

#10 Grindelwald

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 03:42 PM

Sounds like weed actually triggered DP, the bad trip on mdma just set the stage for that to happen. Probably would have been fine if you didn’t smoke the weed. I’m convinced that’s one of the worst instigators for DP and there’s just something not quite right about it.

My story goes something like this

Bad weed trip —> was fine after I came down.

Got very drunk and high —> DPed for a month (wouldn’t have occurred if not for bad weed trip)

Recovered

Smoked weed again —> relapse

This was about 3 years ago. I don’t have DP anymore but still have some lingering anxiety. I’m a bit more existential than your average person. I had a car accident a few months ago and it seems to have fucked up my neck somehow. Nothing seemed wrong at the time. I seem to have neck tension all the time and an off-and-on pain on top of my head (very localized). I would see a doctor but it’s just not quite bad enough to justify doing that in a pandemic.

I really didn’t have much of a solution for DP other than work through the existential thoughts on my own. The thing about solipsism is you can’t really discuss it with anyone but yourself. Just stay away from drugs and alcohol and other unhealthy stuff. Eat bananas and other pro-dopamine foods. It may help.

#11 badsidejoe

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 08:07 PM

Thanks guys for your answer.

@where: Having all these three conditions sounds like a death sentence to me. It sure is hard enough to cope with one disorder at a time.
Is it common for DP to be chronic and "24/7" even if it's secondary?

@Grindelwald; glad you are over it. I hope your injury will soon get better. Did you find a conclusion when discussing topics like solipsism by yourself ?(I'm not interested in what it may be, just wanted to know if this is important to get over them)

#12 Grindelwald

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 08:25 PM

Thanks guys for your answer.

@where: Having all these three conditions sounds like a death sentence to me. It sure is hard enough to cope with one disorder at a time.
Is it common for DP to be chronic and "24/7" even if it's secondary?

@Grindelwald; glad you are over it. I hope your injury will soon get better. Did you find a conclusion when discussing topics like solipsism by yourself ?(I'm not interested in what it may be, just wanted to know if this is important to get over them)

Fears of solipsism is a byproduct of DP. The idea became sillier and sillier over time as the DP faded. There is no real "solution" to it other than that it makes no sane, reasonable sense. Sorry if that's not helpful.






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