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MY DP/DR CRAZY STORY (5 months now)

apathy depersonalization mind muscle weakness memory

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#1 jimakos92

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Posted 17 May 2020 - 11:10 AM

Good evening to everyone! I wish good luck to everyone. We have to believe one day will be normal again. We are all fighters. This is my 5 months story until now. After an intense period of psychological stress due to a break up and dismissal from work i felt something in my head like headaches with auras and stings. All this time i was overthinking about my traumas and after this happened in my head the intrusive non-stop thoughts gradually disappeared! It was like the sad events never happened. I literally feel nothing at all.not just emotions but practically every type of feeling. I've actually lost my soul.

 

At first i had different symptoms that lasted a few hours or days like incontinence, laugh incontinence, feel like my body and brain are hollow, no sense of air, like i am a thing from cotton (also no physical pain) like i am out of reality and cannot connect to my environment (without i see the environment disorted). I felt like i am dying like everything in my mind is collapsing. Gradually, more and more symptoms appeared.

 

Two neurologistes said that this is a defense mechanism of my mind to help me pass these traumatic events. So my brain shutted down. My psychiatrist gave me zanipram 40mg. I thinki am a little better but still i cant believe all of these are from psychological stress , its like i dont even exist and nothing from my organs or sensory functions work normally.

 

 

LIST OF MY SYMPTOMS

 

 

COGNITIVE SYMPTOMS

 

- Black mind/No Creativity/No abstract thoughts

- Short term memory disappeared (i am going for a walk and its like i did it days before, no perception of time)

- Long term memory issues (like all my memories happened many years ago or are someone's else)

- Every day is like its the same like a loop

- No critical thinking

- Cant retain new information

- Low speed of information process 

- Its like i l ve lost all my knowledge ( i am mechanical engineer, cinematographer and writer)

- Cant read well, cant write like i was writing. Cant find the appropriate words.

- Apathy (no feelings, no fears, no angers, no anxiety, no boredom,no suspensions, no sense of disugst,  no sad, no real happy. i can -  laugh but i think nothing is vivid and real, i forgot how is the real feel of human being. I dont even feel the pandemic of covid-19..its like i never lived all this madness..i am out of everything. nothinh can shock me. everything is flat)

- No personality

- i think its like i am dumb, no ability of problem solving, no perception of the imprortance of life, no perception of importance of my self.

- Reduced the volume and speed of my thoughts

- Apathy for everthing i loved (hobbies, work, life, trips). I cant watch a difficult movie because i cant understand (no concentration and -memory) it and cause i cant feel nothing.

 

 

BODY SYMPTOMS

 

VISION:  At first days blurry vision. Now: vision with high definition ( i can see all the details of everything). Colourness in tv. Red colour really intense. Very detail vision between black and white. dropping eyelids, floaters, surroundings/buildings appear closer to me, i cant calculate well the distances, no orientation. I cant separated well the characteristics of the faces of people. Like i cant see the details in people. 

 

HEARING: Hypersensitivity of the sounds. i can hear everything better. Light tinnitus on the left or right ear (like 10 seconds duration ringing). jump scares frequently on loud sounds

 

SMELL and TASTE: Disturbances on both. Good smells are more intense and bad smells i cant even smell them. I couldnt stand the smoke of cigarette and now i dont care. About taste: i cant identify bad tastes..its like i like all the foods. Also i dont feel hungry or full.

 

TOUCH: I think i feel tha subject less than before. But i can feel at most intense the vibrations of all the cars, laptop, mobile phone, movements of objects. 

 

BODY: Dry skin, Dry hair, Muscle loss (everywhere), Muscle weakness and pain(i cant play piano or type well at pc) bowel issues, easy sweat, littles spasms, joints, no sensation of cold at all, sense that i am lighter and the balance is a little weird, different movements in my hands and feet, like there is no so much neurons or muscles and i can draw better), little numbness at feet or hands (when i am moving it disappeared).

 

 

There are some things that are better before i had this crazy things. These are: My chronic prostatitis problem disappeared (i have better erection than ever before). I can breathe better than before (i was breathing always from mouth before, now only from nose). Also i was a very sensitive person with specific sexual preferences. Now its like i like all the women , there are no standards, its like that the only thing is left is animal instict. Hypersexuality. Everything upon me is the opposite of the real me. IT'S PURE NOTHINGNESS and it seems CONSTANTLY AND PERMANENT. I am sure there are even more weird symptoms that i can remember right now. It' s like i dsetroy my life, everything i had built. i dont know if i am better or my mind has adapted all of these new symptoms. 

 

Has anyone else these symptoms?



#2 Aridity

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Posted 18 May 2020 - 04:15 PM

I have alot of these symptoms, like most of them. Especially the cognitive symptoms pretty much all of them. I also at times can't believe it has to be due to stress, and prolonged trauma. But I guess it is, if I look back at my life.. I have been through emotional stress for years on end with not much peace in between. My mind and body has been bombarded tremendously.



#3 jimakos92

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Posted 19 May 2020 - 06:16 AM

I am sorry my friend. i wish you good luck. How are you trying to cope with them?? What are the things that really helped you?



#4 WreckingHotelRooms

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Posted 19 May 2020 - 07:45 AM

just to say, this isn't 'crazy' or unique, in fact i'd say most had/have the symptoms you have, trauma / stress eventually can lead to the blankness you express. 

 

I'd get a talk therapist, see how that goes. 

 

One thing i'd say as you are new to this, at the start you arm yourself with all the coping mechanism (google it) for anxiety/DP, get control of that first, as coping mechanism don't just help in the moment, I found after living this for a while, they become instincts, so you don't need to use them much as you've cut that say bad thought out through mind training. Eg I don't wake up and go "oh no i got DP"... i'm very dislocated when I type here as I have no longer think of me as DP.. yeah I have it but i've learned to lower it. 

 

Next (i'd give it 1 year but that's just me).. medication. For blank mind nothing worked for me but Mirtazapine so far...i've written topics with pages of meds that you can look at. 

 

Good luck, but it will get better, your symptoms i've experienced. 

 

A lot of it is simply related to fight or flight.. like light being brighter, sounds louder, they are turned up for sure, mine came back to normal 



#5 Aridity

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Posted 19 May 2020 - 12:13 PM

I am sorry my friend. i wish you good luck. How are you trying to cope with them?? What are the things that really helped you?

I'd wish I could tell you what helps me. Basically I am just enduring day by day. When I had lots of anxiety, alcohol helped me. Now nothing.



#6 jimakos92

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Posted 19 May 2020 - 12:40 PM

Thank you so much for the advice my friend. I know that i am not the unique with all these symptoms but its crazy for me and devastating. I had depression, so i was feeling at least pain and sadness..and this thing disappeared my depression and left me empty. How is this possible? For the time i cant accept my new self, this sutation. I cant believe that i had everything and i ruined them so fast. It's like i am beginning from the zero and with no abilities. I cant believe how all of these are from psychological stress.

 

The worst of all is that nobody can understood you. Everyone thinks you are susperstitious and they can see you are "fine". This make things even worse. Also i think what if all of these symptoms are cause of some other neurological disease. There are so many with the same symptoms. What if all of our try to get better has no meaning? I want to have trust to my doctors but still i have my doubts. Also i had muscle loss in a few days all over m body..like changed all my body..every part of it..how is it possible..i lost main muscle from parts that i had for years even without exercising..and in a few days this thing took everything from me..as for the light yes i have also light sensitivity to everything..how can i ll be able to wok without perception of time, without skills without strength without my mind..

 

I dont know, every day is the same and i am feeiling so isolated and alone. I was a so sensitive and creative person that was helping everyone and now i became a robot that nothing seems vivid anymore. i know that i have to accept it to move on and find new ways. I ' ll continue with  my medication and i lll see how it is going.. Also i believe music may help , even if it hasnt the effect that had before that. Music always was a therapy.  But you are right, the first main step is the acceptance. Without that, i cant move on. I have to. 







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