Hey guys I'm new here to dpselfhelp,
I guess i'll just lay it out all on the table so i seem more transparent.
My father became ill of cancer in January of 2018, after a long and hard fought battle he passed away in August of 2019. I was unbelievably close to my dad as he was my best friend. Two weeks later, my mom thought that it would be best for me to attend my first semester of college to take my mind of things, so i went and moved in only 2-3 weeks after he passed away.
In my first semester i took 5 classes. Two of those classes being mental health (mainly about schizophrenia and psychosis) and philosophy. At the time, these classes didn't seem to take too strong of a toll on my mind. Yet, I believe that the knowledge I acquired in these classes were a reason in causing my current status of mental health.
My mom, my brother and I were taking a trip to Boston to visit a couple of my cousins. Out of nowhere, I hear my mom wailing from the bathroom. I run out of the bathroom and she tells me and my brother that a friend of ours, who we have played soccer with and went to school with for the past 10 years had passed away from a heart attack. Side note (I have always had bad health anxiety, mainly the health of my heart as anxiety can cause chest tightness and pain).
In the mix of all of these events, my family and I decided that it was time that we moved out of the house that we had lived in for 15 years. It was a very difficult decision to make and it was a hard transition but the memories in the house and the mortgage of the house was too much for us.
I have always been someone to research symptoms online. It could be hours a day that I am beating the buttons on the keyboard to figure out what is wrong with me. One night, my friends and I were playing Mario Smash Bros and all of the sudden I became extremely dizzy. I felt like everything around me was spinning so I had a fight or flight attack and ran into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet closed my eyes and breathed. The more I focused on the dizziness, the more dizzy I felt. I then took my phone out and began researching. In the mix of this was my existential thoughts too. "Do I have schizophrenia?", "Do I have Psychosis", "Do I have blah blah blah". And that is when I ran into solipsism. I began to panic even more as I started to delve into solipsism. I was trying so hard to find a rebuttal to this theory but I couldn't.
My girlfriend had been talking to a guy friend and school and started lying and hiding her phone. It really stressed me out while I was at college and also when I was home with her. It seemed as if she was looking at me like a different person. I wasn't sure if this was anxiety or dpdr but I felt like it was my fault for some reason. I noticed that she started acting differently on social media, dressing up and doing her nails like she had never done before, it was all odd to me as she is someone who has always given me comfort, she was always there when my dad was sick and when he passed away.
Overall, my obsession for solipsism and existential questions come and go but they are very overwhelming, to the point where I look at my mom and my brother differently, though I love them so dearly. These thoughts about my mind and my body being separate, how we are here right now, if im the only conscious being, if there is free will or not, make me extremely anxious and it nearly forces me to lay down in my room or play video games. These thoughts run through my head all day every day. I do hours of looking these existential topics up every, maybe if i stop looking it up as my mind is in a very vulnerable state, the thoughts wont be as powerful and my dpdr will be resolved. Out of body, many floaters in my vision, reality looks 2d to me, the fear of other people not experiencing life like me (solipsism), and what happens after death are my main fears.
I fear that this may be a sign of a more worrisome mental illness.
If someone could give me input that would mean the absolute world to me, thank you all so much for reading and taking my thoughts and words into consideration, we will all recover together.
Sincerely and with love, AlPal