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Doubting my memories (TW: Sexual assault)

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#1 dissoziation


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Posted 20 October 2019 - 01:57 PM

Hello, everyone. It's been a while. I didn't know which forum to post this on, so I guess I'll post it here since this is probably the one closest to what I'm having.


I've been having doubts about a particular memory where I was "grabbed" in the chest by a kid from my school on the playground. Everything felt like a blur and what's bothering me is that I don't even know or remember if he actually touched me because it all happened so fast. One thing I do remember is that I saw a few girls several yards away from me that turned to each other and started laughing and I ran away. I let the school know what he did and a counselor talked to him, but I never knew if he admitted to doing it or not and the counselor didn't tell me (which I guess makes sense because laws and everything, but still). Because I don't know if he owned up to doing it or not, I don't know if he got properly punished for it or if he got a slap on the wrist. However, I did not see him for a while after that, but it still bugs me because I don't know what really happened when the school had to step in.


I don't have any body memories or anything. But as much as it would be horrible to have them, it would at least show me that it really did happen. I wish my memory wasn't so muddled from DPDR and from my young age. I also wish that I knew what he said when he was being questioned. Wanted to put this here because I want to know if anyone has experienced something like this with their memories. I just want to know if this really happened and if I got this kid in trouble for something he did/didn't do. I keep remembering this when my mind wanders and I can't take it because it ruins my mood completely when I think about it.

#2 AnnaGiulia


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Posted 20 February 2020 - 02:37 PM


I have been diagnosed, besides DPDR, with dissociative amnesia. I do not imply that you have it, but just state that it is in some cases related to DPDR. In my case, its roots are in childhood abuse that I suffered until the age of 10. However, my dissociative amnesia did not cover only pre-10 period, but it systematically covered every subsequent event in my teen and adult years, that had any potential - as a trigger - to expose the content previously covered by amnesia. The strange thing about amnesia is that one can have amnesia of amnesia, and that is something that I have - it is as if there is an eraser in my head for a particular, traumatic content. I managed to keep it away from myself for decades, completely unaware that the scope of how much of my life I actually don't remember cannot be explained by normal forgetfulness.


Par example, there are some hugely important moments in my life, that I remember to be very, very significant to me personally, but I cannot recall a single word spoken on that particular occasion. And no matter how hard I try to replay that memory, that I am aware of, I constantly hear the words spoken as through water, blurred and distorted, and I cannot make sense of it. And it does irritate me enormously, as I feel I cannot rely on my memory and my mind, and I always thought that is pretty much the only thing I can rely on.


From your post, I would say that what you are describing did happen, because I doubt that you would have involved the school if it didn't. My experience with both DPDR and Dissociative amnesia is that if I acted upon something immediately, then that is a proof that it happened. Also, since this thing seems to bother you still, it obviously had some significance to you, and I sincerely doubt that you could have fabricated that feeling.


I do not know whether this is helpful at all, and also the thread is a bit older, but anyway, if you read it, take care...


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