9 replies to this topic

[Krob216]

Back in June, someone I knew about took MDMA (ecstasy) and jumped off a building and killed him self. My friends and I got news of it and my friend started making fun of him dying and me being ignorant I joked about myself also. Fast forward to September, I ended up getting depersonalization, a mild case so I wasn't so worried about it. But a few days later I ended up doing a lot of MDMA myself and thought I was gonna die, ended up in the emergency room. I left the hospital the next day and that's when my depersonalization was brutal, anxiety was sky high. Since then its been hell and i can only think that I've been cursed or it karma. Its like all I can think about is jumping over a bridge, its like that what I get for making fun of him. I wish I would of never joked about the incident. Its been haunting for damn near five months. I wish I can not think about it, but I do. I can go days, hell even weeks without it bothering me, but it still haunts me. I do not want to die, even tho this depersonalization is hell. I feel like I'm cursed. I scared to even go by a bridge cause I'm scared I'll go crazy and do it.

[ali3n]

i think it may just be your guilt heightened by your anxiety, and so you're getting all this obsessive thoughts about karma and such...
maybe talking to someone or a therapist could help getting it off your chest so you dont feel so overwhelmed

take care

[Krob216]

Thank you for replying, its hard dealing with this. You're right though, when my anxiety is down it doesnt bother me as much

[MyBattle]

My start of DR had something to do with karma too imo, I made a promise to myself and god to not do certain things anymore and focus only on other issues I had to fix like getting of benzo's, I promised god to not smoke weed anymore.

 

I smoked weed and boom DR.

 

I feel like its a very hard tough lesson and almost cannot be a fluke. 

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[Psyborg]

well of course it was bad from you to joke about it . but you obviously regret it 

 

you are not cursed . there are so many people who do horrible things and are happy fucks 

 

it is your anxiety and dp/dr . and think like this :  you "paid your dues" already because you suffered the whole time . it is over . 

[M1k3y]

i hate people that would joke about something like that, death aint funny man, but u obv feel bad, hopefully u feel bad as in it wasnt good to joke about someones death and instead of feeling bad like o i joked about his death and now this happend to me and now i feel bad

 

its just wrong man

 

but i dont think thats y ur like this..

 

i get what ur saying tho, i feel like karma got me as well, but i think i fixed what had to be done, and i still have dp, maybe im still serving my time or whatever, but idk man

 

try to get better, doubt its that, but its never cool to joke about someones death

 

ud got to be fucked up in the head to do that, in my opinion

 

especially someone u knew..

 

but hopefully uve felt bad before this happend

[Krob216]

Brother for you to come on my post and insult me like this is unnecessary. Yes I've made mistakes just like you, I'm sure a lot of people have. That doesnt give u the right to come on my shit and judge me. If u hate me so much u could of kept scrolling man. Everyone on this website is at the lowest point of they life and the last thing they need to see is insults and someone talking shit. I made a huge by making fun of that man, shouldnt of did it. But I would never come on someones post insulting them. This is my last response to you cause I don't come here for this, I come for support. Wish u nothing but the best to you and your recovery Michael

[Al_pk]

This is going to sound ridiculous, and it is, but when I was about 6-7 I killed a bug in quite a callous way. That bug has not left my active memory in 20 years. I'd say I think about it every few weeks, and ruminate on things like "was that an angel in a bugs body and why I'm experiencing so much difficulty in life?". Sounds absolutely retarded I know but I wanted to get a message across:

 

yes you are experiencing difficulty because of your previous actions, but not because you're cursed. It's because you did something that doesn't fit in with your central morals because of peer pressure and so you feel guilt. So firstly, congratulations you are a good person. We all do things we wish we hadn't and can sometimes be brutal individuals for no good reason. Like Psyborg said, many people act in a bad way and don't receive karmic backlash at least not in any perceptible sense.

 

Secondly you're clearly in a phase where your with a lot of people who do drugs regularly. Drugs, anxiety, panic and DP are a horrendous mix.

 

Finally, a fear of heights and of falling is a very natural thing. I've been in an acute phase anxious cycle for a long time now and get a fear of heights and vertigo just by thinking about something similar when I'm sat chilling at home, or by seeing a facebook post of someone scaling the burj Khalifa without a harness. And then it takes a while to leave again and for me to settle.

 

This mans' death and the means of it has troubled and disturbed you because you're a normal decent person and you are having difficulty with the concept at present because you have acute anxiety where thoughts stick like glue. And boy do they just.

[Phantasm]

I think worrying intensely about things like karmic retribution or judgement from God can stem from earlier existing issues from things like emotional neglect or abuse, where we may have been made to feel that we were to blame for everything that happened around us, and so developed this hugely out-of-proportion sense of guilt and responsibility. If we are to blame for everything, we are responsible for everything, and can end up carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, believing ourselves to be fundamentally sinful and bad.

 

Needless to say this is totally exhausting, but I think it's more about toxic shame than any judgement from on high.

[forestx5]

You knew your friend killed himself due in part to the influence of a bad MDMA trip.  So you joked about it.  Then you had your own bad MDMA trip. Now you're suffering.  There's a word for it, but its not Karma.