Trigger warning: this is existential and super depressing
So i got over the dpdr. It was triggered by my dads death and after reading a crazy philosophical artical. Because of all those existential questions and fear of what happens after death, i no longer find meaning in life. Dont matter what it is. Family, friends, my old drive for a romantic relationship, my old hobbies, my interests, non of it has meaning anymore. Humor used to help me out of depression but now it no longer has meaning either. Its like whenever i laugh or express any emotion what so ever, it doesnt truely mean anything. Ive been trying to woo over my crush but it doesnt feel like i really WANT to do so. Its just what i was doing before dpdr and i think a part of me still wants to pursue it but i cant find a reason to do so now. Happiness itself doesnt have meaning to me either. I try to pretend, even to myself that it does, like you know, you fake it till you feel it type of deal but idk if itll work. My life feels like an absurd joke. This depression isnt chemically based, its thought based so i feel like im screwed. How is life suppose to matter when the universe's existence is absolutely absurd and meaningless anyway?
I love it when others perfectly describes what i'm going through. It's often hard to put words to everything. Thank you.