Hey guys.. my name is Ian and I have stuck in a state of DP/DR for about 8 months now.
In my "introduce yourself," post, I mentioned that I believe my DP/DR was triggered by a sequence of traumas all happening within a few weeks of each-other. Bad break-up with girlfriend, LONG weed panic attack, near-death car accident. (all happened within a month and a half)
When I posted that, I had very minutely considered the fact that I may have been dealing with pretty bad anxiety all along before ANY of those things happened. I also have a pretty broken family system, parents divorced, family barely gets together, etc.
I'm sure some of you have also heard of Harris Harrington. I followed Harris' course when I first developed DP/DR, and it did nothing for me. At the time, I was excepting some sort of MAGICAL IMMEDIATE cure, so I don't think I really got out of it what I potentially could have.
BUT TODAY, I watched one of Harris' videos.. this one to be specific:
In this video, he talks about people who developed DP from existential thinking, and the fear of losing control throughout their lives due to "detached family systems," or whatever other source. He talks about the fact that people with DP/DR may have a past of needing to "feel under control" of everything due to not ever having control growing up, and that since they cannot control certain aspects of their lives for so long, they get stuck in this state of panic because they perceive reality as a threat that they CAN'T CONTROL.. AKA; DP/DR?
I sat and pondered this fact for a moment, and felt a sudden relief within my head. Like something had unlocked.. the DP/DR persisted as per usual.. but something had changed? I then decided I was going to go for a run.
While on this run, I pondered the notion even more. I then began to relate it to the fact that I had a broken family system, have never really had a "house/home" of my own (have been jumping apartments for the past 10 years of my life), and there was a lot of discourse whilst I was in my most developmental years of my life (age 11-17 or so.)
In the video, Harris talks about "letting go," and that the desire answer to all of these existential questions, the fears of losing control, and the fears life falling apart must be parted with to see any sort of recovery within DP/DR. Well, on my run, it clicked. I had been exposed to such a broken upbringing that caused me SO much anxiety, and I didn't even notice it! All I've needed to do this entire time is JUST FUCKING REALIZE that life cannot be controlled. Life must be lived, not thought about. THINKING does nothing, DOING does everything.
When I had this realization (while on my run), I got an intense rush of emotion throughout my body. I started to cry uncontrollably. My body FELT different, my visual perception became more colorful an intense. It felt as if I was having a panic attack.. but it felt good? Like I was actually feel emotion again.
Now as I sit here typing this, only about 30 minutes have passed since this. I DO NOT, feel 100% cured. But SOMETHING has shifted. The DP/DR is STILL present.. but for some reason I feel like some sort of significant improvement has happened. I feel like my cognitive abilities have somehow improved ALL OF A SUDDEN.. but unfortunately I still feel a bit "un-real." :/
I'm not sure if this was some "manic" episode, as I have not had one of those for a VERY VERY long time, or an actual sign of improvement. My mind tells me "well maybe you are bi-polar and this is just a short lived manic episode." Something about what I just experienced still feels "fearful," like maybe I'm actually FINALLY GOING INSANE! LOL.
I don't know guys.. what do you think happened? Manic episode or actual realization?