Sorry for the bleak title, especially in an introduction, but i'm gonna be completely honest i'm not sure if I can do this.
So i've been feeling really fucked recently (actually about the past 6 months but wasn't aware of it) and i'm 99% sure it's DP or either the onset of psychosis... I'll give an outline of the event's that I think have led to the way i've been feeling.
I began smoking weed occasionally when I was about 15 and experienced what I now think was depersonalisation. It went away when I stopped and others had experienced this as well so I thought it to be a normal side affect and assumed that would always be the case. I began smoking a lot more over the years and in the past year became a daily smoker, reaching 2 grams a day over the past months when I went to university. I noticed I was changing, becoming more lethargic and apathetic about everything, social incapable and felt as if I wasn't really thinking anymore but thought these were again a reversible side effect that would go away after stopping.
I've been clean about 6 weeks now and i'm really struggling because nothing is changing. I don't feel like I perceive the world in the same way as I did before smoking, I don't feel like I properly feel my emotions anymore and certainly don't ever feel joy. My ability to articulate myself and my memory is severely affected but the most difficult thing for me at the moment is a blank mind and the disappearance of my ability to have visual imagery from thoughts. (For example: When I shut my eyes to go to sleep there's just darkness. I don't have any thoughts and I feel completely empty). I do have the occasional thought but this is only really from external stimuli and they're usually related to a memory and don't end up becoming a train of thoughts. I feel like i'm fucking brain dead and that i'll never be able to think properly again. I can just stare into space not really focusing on anything or having any thoughts. All I can think about it how absent my mind is and the fact I don't think anything like anyone else. This really really upsets me as i'm an aspiring filmmaker with high hopes but since i've entered this phase I can't even think passivly, let alone have an imagination or be creative. I'm crying my eyes out writing this as I can't fathom how my brain will ever rewire itself to be able to think or have and imagination like I used to and that's really crushing me. I realise i'm only 6 weeks into my recovery from cannabis abuse and I can sometimes take months, if not years, but I can't seem to find anything about people in the same situation as me and their recovery stories. To make matters worse i've had tinnitus for about 2 years from over expose to noise which, in combination with the emptiness in my mind, makes it incredibly difficult to get to sleep.
I know it's a really awful thing to say but if i'm completely honest i'd rather die than live with my mind like this. I would really really appreciate some help on how I can sort myself out and get myself back on track. I know I can't change what's done but I would do anything to go back to the way I used to be and to be able to think properly (I'd literally give up a limb or two). Will I ever recover from having a blank mind?
Thank you in advance for any advice anyone has to offer it would be MASSIVELY appreciated.