Tell us about your dp experience - Page 3 - New? Start Here - Depersonalization Community

Jump to content


Please Read the Community Forum Guidelines Before Posting.


Tell us about your dp experience


252 replies to this topic

#25

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 5 posts

Posted 23 June 2006 - 02:25 PM

Hi - I have to say I was floored to read so many accounts that reflected the same symptoms I felt! Mine started when I was a teen, as some of you, and it was during a marijuana trip. I went totally "out there" with all the feelings of unreality... After that spell was over, I noticed the next few days the same sensation would come back. I'd be so detached from everything....thinking, believeing actually, that I was trully only watching from the outside, as if I existed in a bubble of some sort, and I longed to break out of it and feel normal again. I don't think the marijuana was the main cause - I just think it helped open the door for it. My experience since I was a baby had been of moving from country to country and I think that created an unstable basis for me to start off with. Also, I had a pretty scary car accident when I was 14, so maybe that was part of it. whatever it is, I also know that I can't seem to turn my "imagination" off, and so I spend a LOT of time contemplating the age old questions like "who are we" and WHAT are we" and all that tends to make you feel like you "don't really exist", since no one so far has been able to answer any of those questions, and obessesing over them probably makes you anxious, frustrated and we can go on from there. So I don't know what came first - the DP/DR or my acute anxiety.... I have, for years now, had anxiety disorder and have to keep it in check or it will drain me of all my energy. I have, since the first episode, felt this come and go. It's just too freaky. As I read about DP and DR I was amazed at how the symptoms were, most of them, exactly what I had felt! But it's a great relief to read all your stories, because it makes me believe more and more that this is way more common than we ever knew, and that it is a disorder of some sort yes, mayber not even that, maybe we're just overly gifted with creativity and intelligence! But all I know is, I know how you guys feel and I am so glad to have found you. All my best to you all,
Love,
Sam

#26

    Regular Contributor

  • Validating
  • 141 posts

Posted 29 June 2006 - 01:26 PM

Hey Sam! Welcome! This is such a brilliant place to make good friends, to share problems, to feel loved and to feel better. You'll learn a heck of a lot, thanks to all the caring people here.

Now you know what my beloved Freedom looked like (My avatar). Wasn't she beautiful? *Sniffs*

Speak to you soon.

Love,

Sunshine X

#27

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 5 posts

Posted 13 July 2006 - 11:38 AM

SUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dang it, I only just saw this!! THANKS. Hey, your Freedom was indeed a beauty - what a SWEET expression.
We'll be in touch - I still wanna phone ya. Thanks again for everything.
I've been reading here and it's amazing to see how many people go through this ordeal. I feel less alone now tho. Love ya.
Samo

#28

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 12 August 2006 - 10:07 PM

A lot of your stories involve doing some sort of drug. I have never taken drugs and I think I have DP. I wanted to share my story to see if anyone else can identify with it. If anyone has any comments they can respond to me. My DP started when I was 8. I was watching TV and all of a sudden it hit me. My surroundings seemed like a set and I no longer felt like I was me. I was quite young and this scared me. For months after I constantly felt like I was 2 people: the person I was in my body and the person I was that didn't physically look like me that was watching me from outside my body. It went away and returned when I was around 12. I am 18 now and it hasn't stopped since. It has progressively gotten worse. I've been changing everything in my life hoping that a different situation will change my mood but it never does. I've been through 4 jobs in the past 2 months. I kept quitting because I felt like my co workers could hear my thoughts. I felt like customers were paid to come in and pretend to be ordering something and it was just a set up. I remember exactly what I say and I hear everything as I say it but I can never believe that the voice is coming from within me. I now work in cosmetics and I'm constantly surrounded my mirrors at my job. This make everything so much worse because I have seen myself in the mirrors many times and didn't recognise myself. I've headed towards the reflection thinking it was a customer to help but I catch myself first. Everything is mechanical. At the end of the day I can't remember what I did but as soon as I'm alone I replay everything. For hours I sit alone and replay ever detail and I analyze everything and question everything. I am afraid to go to work because everyone around me is reading my mind and they know there's something wrong with me. It's all a set. At my job it gets slow sometimes and for hours I can just be standing around waiting for customers and while I wait I watch everything and it all looks so fake. I'm taking 4 or 5 breaks a day now because I can't handle it anymore. I need to be alone to get away from the set up. I can't walk around outside because I've become afraid or litter. I see litter and I think about who put it there and why they put it there and why they didn't pick it, how much global warming is being caused by it, etc. I drive myself insane with how much I question things. I am also moving out of my parents home because I'm finding it difficult to believe that my family is really my family. I don't believe that my parents created me. I feel no bond to them and I know that should hurt but it doesn't bother me. The biggest problem for me now is that I'm in a relationship for nearly 8 months. It's my first relationship and we're engaged so I plan on it being my only relationship. I didn't tell him until recently about DP because we kept fighting about the moods I was in or the crazy things I would do. I believe I also have OCD. There are many examples I could give but one that tipped my boyfriend off was when we slept in the basement one night I woke up half a dozen times to move the mattress around the room because the air around me was trapping me in myself. I felt like I was suffocating so we re arranged the mattress over and over. Finally he gave up and we slept on the couch. I'm worried that he won't be able to handle me.. We're fighting a lot about this now and I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money to see a specialist. What can I do? Could my regular doctor perscribe me medication for this? Please contact me if you have any suggestions. Thanks for reading. I hope that anything I said has helped someone.

#29

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 16 September 2006 - 01:42 AM

I believe my dp/dr started sometime last year when i decided to drink a bottle of robotussin and smoked a few bowls with one of my friends(very bad choice). Everything was kewl for about an hour after doin both of the drugs but then things started gettin really weird for me. I started monitoring everything i was doing that night and it felt like every motion or movement i did was awkward. I had one scary thought/emotion and my mind went into combustion mode of fear/panic/paranoia and i thought that i was gonna die. This made my heart rate VERY fast and that scared me even more... I tried to calm down and go to bed but i couldnt sleep at all.. I stayed up for a few hours just laying in bed thinking that im gonna die... I believe this was the night that started everything because this was the first night that i had all these crazy/obsessive about life and death but i eventually fell asleep but when i woke up the next morning, everything felt very dreamlike. I was very aware of everything and i kept checking to see how fast my heart was going and just thinking about checkin my pulse raised my heartrate.... Over the passed year since that night, ive just been in this really messed up state of mind. I used to be a very open, funny, hyper kid before this night but now i can barely talk to people because i just dont know what to say to them. Even my once VERY close friends. Theres nothin really goin on in my head for thoughts. I cant think abstractly or ideas just dont flow for me anymore. Ive built up a big anxiety problem. I cant connect with people on a more personal level anymore which makes me feel very alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I tend to see tracers alot in my peripheral vision as if im more sensitive. I believe i can see aura's on trees and other objects sometimes but i know its just my MIND that believes it. Its really messed up... I either think very deep or i dont think at all. I can think clearly when im alone but i cant think at all in social situations.... i feel so alone here.

If anybody has experienced ANYTHING or SOMETHING like this, please email me and tell me your experience. [email protected] thanks.

#30

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 29 November 2006 - 07:01 AM

dudes, my name is oli, im 20 year old, go to university, and feel like sh*t. it started 2 and a half years ago after a really bad cannabis trip. since then i havnt felt myself. like im watching my life rather than living it. i have regular panic attacks, i stuggle to sleep and cannot deal with situations that raise my eart rate. as you can imagine im misrable. if anyone has been through what i am going through or knows of anything that can help then i would LOVE to hear from you. I feel like im on the edge and cannot cope anymore.
much love!
Oli

#31

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 3 posts

Posted 13 August 2007 - 10:17 AM

In there. She’s in there somewhere.

The hazy light seems to trail in a path of human form, one second down, two seconds to the left. Or is it right? I push in, looking for her. Feeling for that girl, that young girl, that woman, that sister and wife, that daughter almost middle-aged, but still a small child on a high-kicking swing in summertime. Or on a floatie boatie. Or laying in small ocean current, the warm, trapped flows of a natural anomaly swifting along her shoulders and arms, pushing her further inside…or away? I keep thinking she is lost. I keep thinking that only hypnosis will pull her out from the quick and the sand. I keep thinking some traumatic stress induced this post disorder, but I cannot locate it. I keep thinking. And thinking.

And then I walk. Past barberry and filthy things and a whole slew of ultra-tall and ultra-impeding green palms. It’s a mess in this wood, full of overgrown things, large bushy nests growing from the ground, full of high pines that block the sun. And then, all at once, it clears, and there is nothing but a path. A brown, flat, plain path in a warm and glowing red-brown world. It weaves in betweens clean, firm trees with ordinary bark. I can see the trail as if there is nothing else to see – so perfect, so absolute, so stunning. So real. And then, I catch her – or a glimpse of her anyway – not as real…the hazy light in a trail of human form as her silly laughter fizzles further beyond my reach. She’s teasing me, or testing me, not sure which. It is as if she is saying, “I am the child.”

I am the child. I am a child. A child.

“And I want to go home.” But, she runs away from me. So far from me that she cannot hear me call her back to the place she belongs, back to the summer sun and the peach trees. I, as an adult, can bring her home. But she doesn’t trust me. Why should she? When we were six and playing with salamanders by the stream, we made promises to never change. To never work like mom always did. To never grow up. To never be angry or sad or afraid, like she was. When we were twelve, we said we’ll become a writer and tell stories from home. We said we’d never have to leave home. We said, “But if we decide we want to leave home, it will be on a walking adventure across the country, living off of the land. Walking alone, with a pad and a pencil and a dream.” At sixteen, we said we would live with absolute conviction.

I lied. Of course I lied. Normal people don’t hibernate in a cave in the winter. Normal people don’t build lean-tos in the woods and live there so no one can see them, with only berries and the occasional toasted rabbit for nourishment. Normal people don’t skip town, check out from society. How did Thoreau get away with it? Did no one love him? Did no one really give a damn where he was or whether he survived? My parents – well, my mother anyway – would have lost her heart over it. Sane people don’t want to be detached from everything. Not like I did. I mean, she. We.

She’s still in there. I see her sometimes when we’re at the beach. Or on a picnic with my little boy husband and the green, green grass of home. But, she’s a free spirit, and I’m just a cage.

#32

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 07 January 2008 - 05:58 AM

When I was younger, I had a huge imagination. When a 'depersonalization' thing happened, I thought it was me predicting the future. Silly, I know. But because everything seemed so surreal, it made sense back then. Because I thought it was 'magic', and I couldn't tell my parents, I didn't get any medical help. :( I suffered from this since my first depersonalization in gym, year 4, 2000, and they kept building in frequency until there were happening up to three times a day, everyday. But still, I thought it was just my magical powers. No one knew, 'cause on the outside everything felt fine, and I acted normally.
Depression struck soon after.
I'm happy to report that after seeing a doctor and getting treatment a few months ago, I am feeling alot better.

That felt good to get out.

#33 Guest_Delete this acount_*

Guest_Delete this acount_*
  • Guests

Posted 25 March 2008 - 06:06 PM

Who's Janinebaker? (Auto lock thread....lol :lol: )

#34

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 5 posts

Posted 13 April 2008 - 11:26 PM

I have had these symptoms for years now. I'm 39 and it started when I was a teenager: I feel as if my life is a book. I'm the author and I'm narrating the story, my story. I actually dream that way too. I can actually hear myself talking as if I am a narrator in my dreams when I wake up and remember bits of the dream. (The space when you wake up from a dream and you're not really awake.)

I know that what I'm feeling is not based on reality. I've read all the psych books and done the self help routine, inner child therapy, counseling, hypnosis, medications, listening to motivation speakers, etc. It works for a while, say maybe a month or two..but it comes back, still I remain the same. Not feeling real. I actually at one point thought I was a ghost. In my early 20's I remember walking down the street and feeling as if people were real and I wasn't. I wondered if they could see me. That was the worst feeling, very scary.

Needing to focus on things to prove that I'm real. For example: walking along anywhere and I start to feel "foggy" I concentrate on a flower or just something that's near me, to ground myself in reality. When it first started the "fog" used to terrify me. I was afraid that I would just go further into the fog. I used to feel afraid about it but now it's just a normal everyday thing for me, I just do it automatically.

Feeling as if everyone around me "forgets" that I'm here. Out of sight out of mind. I'm always surprised that people call me up just to talk because I feel as if I"m forgettable. The "ghost" thingy.

In the middle of doing something or in a conversation with someone and I forget simple words or what I'm doing. Feeling spaced out. Trance. It's really frustrating, embarrassing and scary. So sometimes I don't talk at all because of this. I think people think I'm on heavy duty drugs or something.

I go through periods where I'm feeling nothing at all, like a zombie. I'm going through everyday life and I feel nothing. No feelings at all. I can see a mugging or someone being beat up in front of me and I'll just go, "oh ok, this is happening in front of me. I should feel something about it. I should feel fear or something but I don't." Just not feeling danger when there is danger around me. No fear at all.

When I'm "narrating" and going through life, like say, a relationship. I actually push myself to feel things. "I know if I do this, this will hurt but maybe it won't so do it anyways and see what happens". Like I'm a test dummy or something. Like an OBSERVER. Separate, outside of myself.

Feeling paranoid. Extremely sometimes. I tell myself that what people think of me does not matter blah blah blah and most of the time that works (feeling nothing) but then the paranoia sets in. I'm alone alot, well be honest, all the time. I cannot seem to have a "normal" relationship because of these symptoms. Sometimes I force myself to be in a friendship or any kind of relationship because it's the normal thing to do.

There is so much more but these seem to be the top ones that I go through. There are long periods at a time where I feel normal and everything is wonderful. I'm outgoing, very social and like being around people. But I've learned not to develop relationships while in that "normal" state because I know I'll come out of it and be the "unreal" me. They'll expect me to be the person that I was. Now I'll have to force myself to care about them. But people sense forced feeling from me after awhile and stay away.I can easily disassociate myself from people. People that I'm close to one day, the "unreal" feeling comes and they are put aside. Cast aside.

The fog is the worst. I can be feeling perfectly fine, then all of sudden everything feels gray. I can't seem to shake it. No matter what I do. You know the things people tell you to do. The well meaning people that say "get over it" in a polite way then proceed to tell you what to do to get out of it. I follow some of their advice but still, when I'm in the gray state nothing helps. Think of an everyday scene and then pour heavy molasses over that picture. It's like being sucked into a vortex and there's nothing to hold onto. You know it's coming but you can't seem to hold on. That is the gray for me.

I'm just at a loss of what to do now. More therapy? I'm sick and tired of talking about my past all the time. Aren't you supposed to talk about it, then it will get better? It does for awhile but then the "unreal gray" feeling comes back. Very frustrating, maddening, saddening... Will it ever go away?

#35

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 4 posts

Posted 19 April 2008 - 08:14 PM

hi everyone. i'm 16 and come from Estonia. found this site by chance recently, very happy about that.
my problems started when the Matrix came out, not quite sure what year that was :)
i was a pretty exceptional kid, didn't socialise much, spent much of my time reading etc., so I think that I had this active imagination that caused me to react like I did. Basically, saw the film, flipped, have been so ever since.
Noone seems to be able to describe what dp or dr feel like. And I think this is normal. The perceptions of humans (qualia I think is the fancy term) cannot be accurately described by words. Imho, describing dp/dr to "normal" people is like describing the color red to a blind person, cannot be done. I also think this is the reason people underestimate this condition. So anyway, I have been suffering from this shit for 6-7 years now and I have reason to believe it will never go away. But I don't think that is necessarily all bad. I think this condition lets a person experience the world in deeper ways than a normal person could. That is at least the case with me. I have - as a result of having this pressing need to rationalize the way I feel - thought about free will, the nature of reality, the human mind, read all these philosophical texts etc, so I think there is a positive side to this. :)
Of course, as everyone says, it's great to know you are not alone. :)

#36

    Newbie

  • Validating
  • Pip
  • 4 posts

Posted 19 April 2008 - 08:23 PM

to lovestorms: I have the same emotional detachment. It feels like I have this cynical narrator inside who knows no taboos, no limits, who mocks everything I do. How can you keep up a relationship like that? I recently broke up with my girl, and I deeply regret not telling her about my condition. Keeping up this seemingly normal front is of course the logical thing to do but eventually the contrast between the image and the real feelings just grows too big.



Reply to this topic



  


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users