Tell us about your dp experience
Posted 23 June 2006 - 02:25 PM
Posted 29 June 2006 - 01:26 PM
Now you know what my beloved Freedom looked like (My avatar). Wasn't she beautiful? *Sniffs*
Speak to you soon.
Posted 13 July 2006 - 11:38 AM
We'll be in touch - I still wanna phone ya. Thanks again for everything.
I've been reading here and it's amazing to see how many people go through this ordeal. I feel less alone now tho. Love ya.
Posted 12 August 2006 - 10:07 PM
- EdsonBo likes this
Posted 16 September 2006 - 01:42 AM
If anybody has experienced ANYTHING or SOMETHING like this, please email me and tell me your experience. [email protected] thanks.
Posted 29 November 2006 - 07:01 AM
Posted 13 August 2007 - 10:17 AM
The hazy light seems to trail in a path of human form, one second down, two seconds to the left. Or is it right? I push in, looking for her. Feeling for that girl, that young girl, that woman, that sister and wife, that daughter almost middle-aged, but still a small child on a high-kicking swing in summertime. Or on a floatie boatie. Or laying in small ocean current, the warm, trapped flows of a natural anomaly swifting along her shoulders and arms, pushing her further inside…or away? I keep thinking she is lost. I keep thinking that only hypnosis will pull her out from the quick and the sand. I keep thinking some traumatic stress induced this post disorder, but I cannot locate it. I keep thinking. And thinking.
And then I walk. Past barberry and filthy things and a whole slew of ultra-tall and ultra-impeding green palms. It’s a mess in this wood, full of overgrown things, large bushy nests growing from the ground, full of high pines that block the sun. And then, all at once, it clears, and there is nothing but a path. A brown, flat, plain path in a warm and glowing red-brown world. It weaves in betweens clean, firm trees with ordinary bark. I can see the trail as if there is nothing else to see – so perfect, so absolute, so stunning. So real. And then, I catch her – or a glimpse of her anyway – not as real…the hazy light in a trail of human form as her silly laughter fizzles further beyond my reach. She’s teasing me, or testing me, not sure which. It is as if she is saying, “I am the child.”
I am the child. I am a child. A child.
“And I want to go home.” But, she runs away from me. So far from me that she cannot hear me call her back to the place she belongs, back to the summer sun and the peach trees. I, as an adult, can bring her home. But she doesn’t trust me. Why should she? When we were six and playing with salamanders by the stream, we made promises to never change. To never work like mom always did. To never grow up. To never be angry or sad or afraid, like she was. When we were twelve, we said we’ll become a writer and tell stories from home. We said we’d never have to leave home. We said, “But if we decide we want to leave home, it will be on a walking adventure across the country, living off of the land. Walking alone, with a pad and a pencil and a dream.” At sixteen, we said we would live with absolute conviction.
I lied. Of course I lied. Normal people don’t hibernate in a cave in the winter. Normal people don’t build lean-tos in the woods and live there so no one can see them, with only berries and the occasional toasted rabbit for nourishment. Normal people don’t skip town, check out from society. How did Thoreau get away with it? Did no one love him? Did no one really give a damn where he was or whether he survived? My parents – well, my mother anyway – would have lost her heart over it. Sane people don’t want to be detached from everything. Not like I did. I mean, she. We.
She’s still in there. I see her sometimes when we’re at the beach. Or on a picnic with my little boy husband and the green, green grass of home. But, she’s a free spirit, and I’m just a cage.
Posted 07 January 2008 - 05:58 AM
Depression struck soon after.
I'm happy to report that after seeing a doctor and getting treatment a few months ago, I am feeling alot better.
That felt good to get out.
Posted 13 April 2008 - 11:26 PM
I know that what I'm feeling is not based on reality. I've read all the psych books and done the self help routine, inner child therapy, counseling, hypnosis, medications, listening to motivation speakers, etc. It works for a while, say maybe a month or two..but it comes back, still I remain the same. Not feeling real. I actually at one point thought I was a ghost. In my early 20's I remember walking down the street and feeling as if people were real and I wasn't. I wondered if they could see me. That was the worst feeling, very scary.
Needing to focus on things to prove that I'm real. For example: walking along anywhere and I start to feel "foggy" I concentrate on a flower or just something that's near me, to ground myself in reality. When it first started the "fog" used to terrify me. I was afraid that I would just go further into the fog. I used to feel afraid about it but now it's just a normal everyday thing for me, I just do it automatically.
Feeling as if everyone around me "forgets" that I'm here. Out of sight out of mind. I'm always surprised that people call me up just to talk because I feel as if I"m forgettable. The "ghost" thingy.
In the middle of doing something or in a conversation with someone and I forget simple words or what I'm doing. Feeling spaced out. Trance. It's really frustrating, embarrassing and scary. So sometimes I don't talk at all because of this. I think people think I'm on heavy duty drugs or something.
I go through periods where I'm feeling nothing at all, like a zombie. I'm going through everyday life and I feel nothing. No feelings at all. I can see a mugging or someone being beat up in front of me and I'll just go, "oh ok, this is happening in front of me. I should feel something about it. I should feel fear or something but I don't." Just not feeling danger when there is danger around me. No fear at all.
When I'm "narrating" and going through life, like say, a relationship. I actually push myself to feel things. "I know if I do this, this will hurt but maybe it won't so do it anyways and see what happens". Like I'm a test dummy or something. Like an OBSERVER. Separate, outside of myself.
Feeling paranoid. Extremely sometimes. I tell myself that what people think of me does not matter blah blah blah and most of the time that works (feeling nothing) but then the paranoia sets in. I'm alone alot, well be honest, all the time. I cannot seem to have a "normal" relationship because of these symptoms. Sometimes I force myself to be in a friendship or any kind of relationship because it's the normal thing to do.
There is so much more but these seem to be the top ones that I go through. There are long periods at a time where I feel normal and everything is wonderful. I'm outgoing, very social and like being around people. But I've learned not to develop relationships while in that "normal" state because I know I'll come out of it and be the "unreal" me. They'll expect me to be the person that I was. Now I'll have to force myself to care about them. But people sense forced feeling from me after awhile and stay away.I can easily disassociate myself from people. People that I'm close to one day, the "unreal" feeling comes and they are put aside. Cast aside.
The fog is the worst. I can be feeling perfectly fine, then all of sudden everything feels gray. I can't seem to shake it. No matter what I do. You know the things people tell you to do. The well meaning people that say "get over it" in a polite way then proceed to tell you what to do to get out of it. I follow some of their advice but still, when I'm in the gray state nothing helps. Think of an everyday scene and then pour heavy molasses over that picture. It's like being sucked into a vortex and there's nothing to hold onto. You know it's coming but you can't seem to hold on. That is the gray for me.
I'm just at a loss of what to do now. More therapy? I'm sick and tired of talking about my past all the time. Aren't you supposed to talk about it, then it will get better? It does for awhile but then the "unreal gray" feeling comes back. Very frustrating, maddening, saddening... Will it ever go away?
Posted 19 April 2008 - 08:14 PM
my problems started when the Matrix came out, not quite sure what year that was
i was a pretty exceptional kid, didn't socialise much, spent much of my time reading etc., so I think that I had this active imagination that caused me to react like I did. Basically, saw the film, flipped, have been so ever since.
Noone seems to be able to describe what dp or dr feel like. And I think this is normal. The perceptions of humans (qualia I think is the fancy term) cannot be accurately described by words. Imho, describing dp/dr to "normal" people is like describing the color red to a blind person, cannot be done. I also think this is the reason people underestimate this condition. So anyway, I have been suffering from this shit for 6-7 years now and I have reason to believe it will never go away. But I don't think that is necessarily all bad. I think this condition lets a person experience the world in deeper ways than a normal person could. That is at least the case with me. I have - as a result of having this pressing need to rationalize the way I feel - thought about free will, the nature of reality, the human mind, read all these philosophical texts etc, so I think there is a positive side to this.
Of course, as everyone says, it's great to know you are not alone.
Posted 19 April 2008 - 08:23 PM
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