I can remember being in highschool working at a gas station and saying to a buddy ,, i just don' t feel like I'm Me.
Now I managed not to have that feeling for a long time. Until now. But now I am obsessed it seems. How to break free. I can think, I can see, I can hear I can drive, I know my name, I know my parents, I know where they live, I know my wifes name and birthday, I know my social security number... All things point to I am in reality and I know where I am . But why do I get these weird thoughts like Your not real... I am not myself.... Thoughts shouldn't scare me but they do.
They say Im not crazy but then what is this. Stuck inside my head not living like I once did with fun and sense of humor.. This grew out of anxiety and now it is as if I can't find myself....I keep hoping when I go to bed at night I will wake up and my oldself will be back. What is this stuff.
My story is I am a father, a grandfather, a friend , but I don't feel like the person I once did.. I want to get back to my life again. Where is the door, where is the key.
Tell us about your dp experience
Posted 15 August 2018 - 04:52 PM
Posted 15 August 2018 - 10:34 PM
An unseasonably warm December evening in 1971 found me on the corner church steps smoking cannabis with a brother and some friends. I was seeking to get high on weed for the 1st time. I aggressively shared 2 joints, probably +6 or 8 strong hits. A few minutes later found me daydreaming on the steps when I felt a jab of pain and a strange movement of my stomach.
I stood to examine myself, and a hot smoky blossom appeared in my abdomen and slowly rose into my chest. It was accompanied by an overwhelming sensation of impending doom. It startled me. Then I remembered having smoked the weed, and I thought "this must be the rush". I engaged some others in conversation to distract myself from my anxiety, but my voice
sounded as if it were emanating from a few feet away. The sensation travelled into my head, which became cold and numb on the left side only. A mass of tingling gathered in the left front of my head. Meantime, my vision became erratic. It was pulsing slowly as if I were watching a slide show. It was getting really scary for me. I decided to walk up the street with a friend to
meet another friend who worked at the corner gas station. By the time I got there, I was fighting for consciousness. I felt like I was being waterboarded and my slide show was slowing down. I made some excuse to return to the church steps and I walked into the alley behind the gas station. The tingles in my head slowly marched to the left rear of my head and I
felt a tensing sensation there. The tensing continued for 4 or 5 seconds, then it exploded in an electrical shock that convulsed my mind, and caused my vision to tunnel drastically for about one second. Then, the tensing began again and the cycle of tensing, shock, and tunneling vision repeated. So, every 5 or 6 seconds, I felt the tensing, shock, and tunneling. After walking
3 city blocks, the shocks stopped. I would never be the same. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks. I became agoraphobic. My perception of self and environment were altered. I was very ill. I lost my emotions. I lost my personality. I developed a head tremor. I began to experience ocular migraine headaches. I had a ghostly pallor. I could no longer connect with my mirror image.
7 weeks later, I was still ill and my mother, who worked as a nurses aid at the local hospital, got advice from a nurse friend who suggested I get an EEG. I did, and I was very anxious to hear the results. I never saw the neurologist that I remember. My mother got the report and she said " your EEG is normal with one lead off". I said "WTF does that mean, mom?"
She starts crying and begging me "not to crack up on her" because the medical expenses are too much and my great depression born and raised abusive dad had reached his limit with me. OK. I sucked it up. I joined the military and did 3 years of frequent "spells" and ocular migraines. I did 35 more years of episodes of major depression, "spells", and ocular migraines.
At some point, I saw a neurologist for myself. He identified my visual symptoms as ocular migraines. It was a relief to know they had a name. He told me US neurology had "bigger fish to fry". He mentions that the British have done more research in that area. OK. 20 years later, I am still researching for the answer to the riddle of my life. WTF happened to me when I was 17? Why do I feel like I died on a December night in 1971?
Somehow I find myself googling on the internet and I find some British neurological texts and medical journals. There is a case history of someone who is epileptic. His temporal lobe seizures begin with something called an "epigastric" or abdominal aura. It is a seizure that introduces the larger temporal lobe seizure. It typically starts with a jabbing pain and movement of the stomach. It is
followed by a smoky blossom that rises through the chest and is accompanied by a sensation of doom. Holy fucking Jeesus! 38 years of suffering and I've found it! It goes on to explain that a worst case scenario is when the "post ictal" psychosis segues into the serious mental illness of affective disorder. (major depression or manic depression). I read on and on and
everything I experienced is described in great detail. It even explains how difficult it can be to diagnose this disorder if the seizures do not result in loss of consciousness. So I find a neurologist who specializes in epilepsy and I email her and ask if she can help me. She agrees. I have an MRI and an EEG. I meet to discuss the results of my EEG. She starts by stating
that my EEG shows significant pathology that is consistent with someone with a history of epileptic seizure. And I say, well after all, I have had a lead off to my (left) dominant temporal lobe for 38 years. She is amazed that I understand all this.
Fast forward to 2014. I'm in another episode of major depression. This is my 5th and I have been on the couch for most of the year. I think I have finally reached the end of my rope. I drive to the nearest Veterans hospital and talk to a few resident psychiatrists. They can see my dilemma. I'm in worse shape than I think. They TDO me and lock me up for the weekend.
Monday I go home. I think about it. Tuesday, I go back and tell them I quit. Do whatever you have to do. I'm done. I get 2 weeks of grand mal seizures (ECT) and am released. My depression lifts. It doesn't just lift. I'm soaring. I have never felt so alive. I have no more "spells". My head tremor is almost unnoticeable. I still have occasional ocular migraines
that I can manage. I'm 63 going on 25.
- star_cheese likes this
Posted 29 September 2018 - 06:19 AM
For me it all started after and “almost” overdose on MDMA about a month and a half ago. After the initial 8-day comedown from the drug (in which i experienced severe depersonalization, anxiety and depression) I actually felt 100% fine. I was back to firing on all cylinders and felt great for a week and a half. After lifting particularly heavy and hurting my back (powerlifting) I began to feel fogginess in my head, which felt a lot like being in that “MDMA comedown/depersonalized” state. So naturally I began to slowly worry that it had come back, eventually after 2 and a half days of feeling the fogginess/depersonalization I broke and had a panic attack when I felt I didn’t know where I was when I was taking a shower. That attack was 3 weeks ago now and I’ve felt increasingly anxious and depersonalized ever since. Its lead to me going on an SSRI (Escitalopram/Lexapro) which has only exasperated the depersonalization (I feel very high, numb and super disconnected from my body and even thoughts on the Lexapro) so I’ve decided to quit taking it after just 3 days. I’m havingg trouble sleeping due to my anxieties about “losing my mind” and “going crazy, I’m getting dementia/psychosis” and particularly tonight: “I’ve completely lost myself, who am I? How did I lose my old self? I’ve completely lost it”.
Sorry for the long post. I’m sure you all feel my frustration and worry with this.
Much love and support to all on this forum
Posted 21 December 2018 - 09:04 PM
I had DP last year, but today [ I woke up due to buzzing ] night i had really strange experience, I felt like my brain was buzzing with its full potential [ it cant go further ] , like all neurons are firing at same time, it was painless and i thought if i go further with this buzzzing i will see something strange and i immedialtely stopped that buzzing , during the time of buzzing i remember moving up my hands but the hands went up in slow motion or i was little paralysed.
Posted 23 March 2019 - 01:12 PM
I'm new to this forum, hi! I'm 18 years old, female. I've been, in my eyes, privileged in life. I live in a house (a run down one, but better than nothing). I go to a pretty okay public school; there are some "bad" kids, but the magnet program I'm in is pretty isolated. I've been accepted to some great Universities and am receiving almost full financial aid because my dad doesn't make much money. I've always been told I'm attractive, and I've done modeling before. I've experienced some minor bullying, but in general, people are nice to me. I can be shy sometimes. In most senses, I've lived a pretty average, conventional, American teen life. Stuff at home isn't always the best, I have a mom who is often emotionally and used to be physically abusive to my twin and I. But my dad has always been there to help us handle it. Everything is normal, from an outside perspective. But in my head, I am going crazy.
Since I was little, I had minor episodes of what I now realize to be depersonalization. I would be doing mundane task, such as tying my shoe, or putting butter on toast, and I would feel as if i entered a different dimension of living. But these feelings never lasted more than half a minute. Recently, I got into smoking pot; the wax version; very strong. At first, I enjoyed it, it made me feel weird, in a good way, and I felt much more relaxed and carefree. I also tried edibles. The first time I took some, I ended up falling asleep before it could even fully kick in, so I didn't experience the full effect. But, a month or so after I started really, heavily smoking and getting stoned, I started feeling as if I was going crazy. I think the first time, I was in a choir rehearsal, and as we were standing and practicing, the lights and sounds i was hearing became extremely overwhelming. I felt like I was on the verge of the panic attack. I wasn't high at the time. During our break, I called my dad, who deeply understands what I'm going through (he has experienced depersonalization as well) and he helped me calm down. The next time this happened, I was at an early practice for my swim team. It was 6:00 am, dark, and we were preparing to run a mile on the football track as a warm-up. The fluorescent lights were on, and I told my coach I wasn't feeling great. She told me just to walk a few laps, not run. As I was walking, everything felt artificial. I started tearing up, and cried a little, but quickly stopped because i didn't want my teammates or coach to worry. I came up with the notion that the weed I was smoking had triggered schizophrenia, and i freaked out a bit. I, again, was not high at that time. Yesterday night, I took an edible before going with my mom to help sell concessions for my school's musical. At first, I was okay, everything just seemed more lively and colorful. But, then I felt like I was going to pass out. I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, put eyedrops in and tried to relax my breathing. Everything looked fake and not real. I called my dad and asked him to pick me up. Ten minutes later, I called him again, telling him I took an edible and was having a panic attack. He talked me through it as I paced in front of the auditorium, trying not to freak out. Everything was so scary. I felt like an alien, in a sense. When I looked at my mom, she didn't even look like a human to me. It's not that I was hallucinating, but it felt as if any sense of reality I ever had was gone. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I started to convince myself that what i was experiencing was what "hell" feels like. It's the morning after right now, and I still feel disconnected as hell. I'm very good at hiding this feeling, I had a conversation with my mom this morning and to her, I seemed normal. I hate this feeling so much. Everything I've done for the past few months havent felt real. I feel as if nothing is tangible, and I'm scared I'm never going to feel the way I felt before this ever again. I've always been scared of the fact that I'll never fully understand the meaning of life or why all of this world exists, and now it feels as if that fear as matriculated into a greater reality, where that's the only thing I can focus on. I might start going back to temple. I’ve never considered myself a religious person, but I think I need something to ground me. I’ve often been told by people I know that they rely on religion because it makes them feel like there is a greater meaning in life, and that as humans, it's not their responsibility to know what that meaning is, and that they should just enjoy life. I’m hoping that talking to a Rabbi might help me, but I’m not sure. Just a word of advice; if you have ever experienced feelings of depersonalization or dissociation, even on a minute level, weed can make it 10000 times worse. Last night was definitely the worst experience of my life, I would rather be physically tortured than ever feel that way again. I’m so scared that this feeling is going to last and that I’m permanently messed up. I’m trying to distract myself with other things, such as writing this long, badly written ‘essay’. Also, I only heard of the term depersonalization this morning when I was researching stuff. I read a few posts and quickly realized that this was exactly what I was experiencing. It's so hard to put this feeling into words, and what I’ve written doesn’t do it justice at all. But, seeing that there are other people who experience this is the most comforting thing I’ve experienced in a long, long time. I’m glad I’m not alone.
Posted 22 April 2019 - 09:11 PM
I developed Depersonalization when I was a senior in high school and now I am a sophomore in college. It was the scariest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, but now I am fully recovered. All you can do to cure DP is going to your doctor and figuring out what works for being able to treat the chemical imbalance being experienced in the brain. I went on anxiety medication 25 mg of Zoloft and it literally made it almost go away after like three months, but in all I had DP for about a year 24/7 but you learn to live with it and adapt. It is really hard at first but it definetly goes away, for some it takes longer than others. There is no magic cure for DP other than TIME. Time is the only thing that will cure it and treatment of anxiety because that's why the brain checks out in the first place. DP really affected my my life socially, at work, at school, everything! I couldn't eat or sleep and I always felt like I wasn't inside my body and when I looked into the mirror I didn't recognize who I saw. I don't know the onset or reason about why I developed DP but it could have been a cluster or things. The most important thing is to getI treatment as soon as possible because otherwise you will be miserable and possibly suicidal like myself. On the bright side, it does subside slowly. The first step is treatment of choice whether it be counseling or medication. GET HELP, there is hope! I am now 19 and don't need medication anymore and I finally feel normal again. Stay positive!
Posted 26 April 2019 - 07:20 PM
Posted 18 May 2019 - 08:30 PM
This forum is the closest thing i can find to what is happening to me. While i do have bouts of Depersonalization, where i don't feel like I'm me, or anyone really. I'm just a shadow, a vibration constantly humming. I also experience other forms of dissociations. My psychotherapist has diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. It shares a lot of the same characteristics of Bipolar disorder, except the main difference is the dissociation. I experience Dissociative amnesia and fugue states. I did a bunch of research and found a few cases like mine. The most unsettling thing is that most cases are only diagnosed after a major episode. Several people i read about had just walked out of their lives. They later turn up elsewhere, sometimes a few towns away, sometimes in different states, months, even years later, living life completely unaware of their old lives until the episode suddenly stops and they're incredibly shell shocked to not be where they remember, who they remember being, with the people they love. These episodes are usually what brings in the official diagnosis of Dissociative fugue and amnesia.
That's how I was diagnosed. In 2015 I had a secondary traumatic experience related to my rape trauma in 2011. This secondary experience set me off into an episode and it wasn't until February 2019 that i came out of my fugue with 4 years of nothing. No memory of four years of my life.. Id taken a bus to Canada at one point, booked a cruise to the Bahamas, cheated on my husband, abandoned all my friends. I came back to a bomb shell. Nothing was the way it used to be. I have a different job, i live with my parents again, my husband divorced me, my best friend left me, I tried to commit suicide three times in two months while i was in the fugue. Id been hospitalized for 6 months from trying to overdose on sleeping pills. I remember absolutely none of it.
Its terrifying, and now that I've been diagnosed I'm noticing all the small depersonalizations. The auto pilot, the haze, the driving to work and not remembering it, working and not knowing what I'm doing but doing it right somehow. The feeling like the world is off slightly. It made me think about my life. I've always thought i just had a horrible horrible memory. But what if I've been having a series of dissociative fugues?
Its not like suddenly waking up. I noticed that one day in a therapy session i tried to think about my life and I couldn't recall almost anything since i got married. I remember my sisters wedding September 2015. But that's where it gets hazy and then blacks out. Now its like someone slowly raised the lighting in the room. I'm lucid for the first time in a very long time and its debilitating. Right after that therapy session I tried to see my husband, Ex-husband. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was scared and confused. I went "home" and had a huge panic attack which i had to use xanax to control. Every night I'd cry myself to sleep, every morning I'd stare at the ceiling trying to make myself leave my bed. Its gotten a little easier. I drew out a timeline with the help of Facebook, Tumblr and chat histories. Nothing I found jogged any memory at all. Now every time i start to depersonalize, or dissociate in anyway I get scared I'll never snap out of it.
I could have died. I could have killed myself in that fugue. I don't remember those feelings. I've got major depression, but I've never actually acted on my suicidal thoughts. I try not to let that sit on my mind too much. I try to focus on living now and not pining for the past. But its so hard. I was happy. We were happy. Now its crumbled and slipped through my fingers like sand.
If anyone here has ever had a dissociative fugue or experienced dissociative amnesia, please message me. I need to talk to someone who has gone through this.
Posted 30 September 2019 - 02:26 PM
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