Tell us about your dp experience - Page 20 - New? Start Here - Depersonalization Community

Jump to content


Please Read the Community Forum Guidelines Before Posting.


Tell us about your dp experience


252 replies to this topic

#229 TiredAndExhausted

TiredAndExhausted

    Newbie

  • DPSH Members
  • Pip
  • 15 posts

Posted 02 May 2018 - 03:18 PM

mine started fullblown in late summer 2014 after experiencing OCD 2 Whole months, it bothered me with classical symptoms for a year and more, I was on medications and even though i no longer really feel like the world is unreal or I'm forgetting people I wish I did cause now my mind is a confusing excruciating bordering hell of non-sense questions and doubts and fear I get almost every minute about my deepest sense of self, way of see life, things, etc.. sometimes I don't even know what is exactly that bothers me or makes me panic, when I got ocd and dp/dr intrusive thoughts it was horrible but at least I could put a name and a definition on what is that I feared, I could find specific comfort and solutions eventually. Now no. It's like there's a huge abstract web that my mind puts on and uses to tie all what's fundamentally wrong with me and my existence, I know its' hard to comprehend, I can't comprehend myself.. sometimes I really think I turned schizophrenic



#230 a2gutkow

a2gutkow

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 01 June 2018 - 10:59 AM

I've recently been told I have depersonalization disorder. I'm 31, female, and FINALLY understand what the F was happening to me all these years. When I was little (5-10), I used to have these moments at school and on Sunday mornings (when my mom was still sleeping and I was watching morning cartoons) where I suddenly felt completely detached from my body, from my surroundings, from my mom — I felt like a complete stranger... like everyone I knew was a stranger and I was just visiting from some other planet. I hated the feeling and all I wanted was to shed my skin and disappear... As I grew older, I would get these moments when I was hanging out with my best friend... where she suddenly felt like a total stranger and laughing with her or singing in her car or looking her in the eyes felt uncomfortable because I felt completely detached from her and our relationship. She'd always say "snap out of it!" but I didn't know how to snap out of it... still don't. For the most part, I'm super social and very functional. I'm not in a constant state of "DP" but when it comes, it's the worst feeling ever... makes me feel sick in my body and environment.... I feel like the memories I have are not mine... Like they were installed like the way you'd program a computer.  I never talked or explored these feelings until recently, and I feel like i've made so much progress just knowing that there is a "name" for this and that other people have these thoughts as well. The thing is, I don't think I have high anxiety and I haven't suffered from anything super traumatic (or at least I don't think I've been heavily affected by a particular event in my life). I was always a space cadet as a kid and I guess that has followed me into adulthood. I'm starting regular therapy soon, but I'm not too optimistic about it. 



#231 jayy21

jayy21

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 07 June 2018 - 03:30 AM

Hello everyone, I am just coming across this website and I am sad to say I’m a little relieved that I am not the only one with these symptoms. Also my heart hurts for everyone else, I wouldn’t wish depersonalization disorder upon anyone. I have dealt with this for about 3 years now. I am a 20 year old female and have diagnosed myself with this disorder. I have gone to one therapist and two psychiatrists and all of them just look at me like I’m crazy and dismiss everything that I say, saying it’s “not possible for you to feel this way. Interesting” I get no help and my symptoms get worse, nobody ever understands. For 3 years now I have not felt like I’m here, it’s maddening. I haven’t had one single second where I’ve felt like I’m here since then and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Nobody understands or can help me and it’s making me lose hope. I can’t enjoy things, I feel like my cognitive skills are lowering. My brain doesn’t work the way it should, even having conversations with people feels like a chore. I never know what to say, I’ve always been a shy person so you could only imagine how these symptoms make it worse for me trying to socialize. I have a boyfriend now who is the biggest blessing and sympathizes with me about these symptoms and I feel as though God sent him to me to help get me through this. But again, he can only help so much. I feel as though my time is running out because I feel crazier every single day. I feel like I’m dying and just want an escape. If anyone has any coping skills or has been prescribed any medication that seems to help even the slightest bit, PLEASE let me know. I am desperate. Thank you for listening, God bless

#232 ballislife

ballislife

    Newbie

  • DPSH Members
  • Pip
  • 6 posts

Posted 24 June 2018 - 10:25 AM

hey guys! new here. im not even sure if i should be posting this message on this specific category.. 

 

but basically ive been on this site for quite some time but only now have i registered and posting because i need advice and help only people who are going through the same thing as i am can offer...

 

so ive had dpdr just last december. Ive always felt it since before when i got my anxiety disorder. im 19 now and it has become so bad and i am also depressed because its just so exhasuting. so i got dpdr because i smoked weed and i got the worst panic attack of my life. i felt like i went crazy and thought i just lost my mind. then the dpdr just got bad from there and im sure you guys have heard that story before. i manage it with things like exercise and spending time with my family and friends. but it just really gets to me at night.... like when im alone in bed with my thoughts i just find it so scary to sleep and feel weird ass sensations when i close my eyes or when i drift off to sleep. its horrifying cause when im espeically tired, is when the dpdr is so intense. 

 

so now i just have this question : ive been drinking alot lately because when im drunk my dpdr seems to go away (it just comes when i have a hangover the next day and i feel like shit) but when i sleep, its just so calming and i dont have the dpdr so i got used to falling asleep drunk and right now i havent drank in 2 days and the sleep i had last night was horrifying because i ended up sleeping at 5am cause of the dpdr i was feeling.. and now i dont know if i should just drink enough to help me sleep. my therapy appointment is still in 4 days so im just trying to find ways to endure the next few days until i meet with my therapist and get prescribed some meds. should i just drink? or is it not the answer? 

 

sorry for the long post guys. here if you need anytjhing or if you want to talk. all the best

 

 



#233 Chip1021

Chip1021

    Great Contributor

  • DPSH Members
  • 622 posts
  • LocationMinneapolis, Minnesota, USA

Posted 24 June 2018 - 05:34 PM





hey guys! new here. im not even sure if i should be posting this message on this specific category..

but basically ive been on this site for quite some time but only now have i registered and posting because i need advice and help only people who are going through the same thing as i am can offer...

so ive had dpdr just last december. Ive always felt it since before when i got my anxiety disorder. im 19 now and it has become so bad and i am also depressed because its just so exhasuting. so i got dpdr because i smoked weed and i got the worst panic attack of my life. i felt like i went crazy and thought i just lost my mind. then the dpdr just got bad from there and im sure you guys have heard that story before. i manage it with things like exercise and spending time with my family and friends. but it just really gets to me at night.... like when im alone in bed with my thoughts i just find it so scary to sleep and feel weird ass sensations when i close my eyes or when i drift off to sleep. its horrifying cause when im espeically tired, is when the dpdr is so intense.

so now i just have this question : ive been drinking alot lately because when im drunk my dpdr seems to go away (it just comes when i have a hangover the next day and i feel like shit) but when i sleep, its just so calming and i dont have the dpdr so i got used to falling asleep drunk and right now i havent drank in 2 days and the sleep i had last night was horrifying because i ended up sleeping at 5am cause of the dpdr i was feeling.. and now i dont know if i should just drink enough to help me sleep. my therapy appointment is still in 4 days so im just trying to find ways to endure the next few days until i meet with my therapist and get prescribed some meds. should i just drink? or is it not the answer?

sorry for the long post guys. here if you need anytjhing or if you want to talk. all the best


Hi!

If you want people to respond to your issue in detail, I would recommend creating your own post in the "discussion" section.

But while I'm here, I'll just say that I'm not one of those "drinking is not the answer" moralizers. If it calms you and allows you to sleep peacefully and you aren't driving or being violent towards people then I say go ahead and do what makes you comfortable.

#234 Mowkus

Mowkus

    Advanced Member

  • DPSH Members
  • 52 posts
  • LocationUK

Posted 02 July 2018 - 07:02 PM

I was 19 around last year when I had a terrible panic attack. I was having issues with somber and existential thoughts for a few days and stopped smoking weed to see if that was the issue (I was very anxiety ridden as a kid and my parents had many issues, also my sister suffers from borderline personality disorder). It carried on and I realised it wasn't being high that was the problem, it was me. This sent me into a panic attacks and I remember calling my friends asking if they experienced these thoughts, none of them did. We did meet up the next day and they helped me as one of my good friends suffered from psychosis for 2 years and explained ways to push me through my symptoms. I spent time drawing, breathing and talking to people.

 

Fast forward 2 weeks of me watching The Adventures of Tintin alone in my room continuously terrified I finally got a job and went out more, ate and started working out again. This was horrible as I decided it was time to move on I got more anxiety from tall buildings and wide flat spaces.

 

After forcing myself out and doing things I don't want to I've found I have become far more confident, I haven't yet defeated my phobia of heights but someday I know I will. I still suffer existential thoughts and very mild panic attacks but I have learnt to brave through them.

 

I currently work, go to uni and have a great social life. My friends know of my dp and understand which is great. I am hoping to one day go back on a plane as this is one of my fears, wish me luck



#235 Violetvi

Violetvi

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 2 posts

Posted 17 July 2018 - 10:58 AM

Hey, i am new here and i wanted to tell my experience.
I am 17 and my derealization and depersonalization started in November after being prescribed Focalin xr - A adhd medication. I was never prescribed before for it . I started to take it and every day became worse. First i had head aches and strong pressure and then after a week i became really aggressive and i couldn't sit in place.i also had my heart race so fast. People told me to ignore it and that i would get used to it within two to three weeks. Before the panic attack that started it all i was on the medication and took it pretty late in the day because i had to study for a test and to be focused. After a few hours i started to have super head pressure and ache and i decided to sleep when the med was still active and i slept only few hours. In the morning i felt really sick but i ignored it and went to drink coffee. I came to school and i just started crying and feeling like i am going to pass out or die ,it was horrible. Since that day life was terrible. And i was really depressed and scared and obsessed with every little thing that is happening to me. It was intense and really hard for me ,constant feel of DR AND DP only like 4 months ago or 3 i started to get back a little by little to my old self but I'm still suffering . Especially before a period .

#236 GnarlyOtter

GnarlyOtter

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 21 July 2018 - 06:35 PM

Hey there.
I am new to this, so I apolpgize if I am over sharing at all.
I haven't really talked about my story yet, still working weekly to get it out in talk therapy.
My therapist thinks my DR is from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and head trauma.

I have always had depression and anxiety, but with the loss of my boyfriend's brother and father in the past year, things have gotten worse. I became paranoid that he was going to do something, or break something. His anger has gotten worse and worse. I am always on edge and stressed out.

The feeling started 5 months ago. I ate a pot brownie (I never smoke and the brownies didn't have any affect on my boyfriend) Every time I blinked it was like I was looking at myself from outside, and then I would come back to. I was stuck inside this loop of thoughts. "I Don't feel real" I couldn't remember who I was, or where. Just terrified that this is what my life is. I became so dizzy that I passed out on the bathroom floor.

Ever since then life has been a haze. I have moments where I am okay, but then I feel my heart sink and start to dive into that constant thought again. "I feel unreal" "How do I normally feel? Is this how I always feel"

I have bad days where my mind starts to go back into the looped thoughts, but my boyfriend's suggested I hold onto a lion ring, focus on it and the details, touch it. Focus. It helps bring me out of the loops.

We believe his anger might be a trigger as well, when he gets angry and yells at things It sends me into panic mode and I start to get worse.
I also had a fall about a year ago, where I tripped over a trailer hitch and got my head on the left temple. I had a really gnarly concussion, 3 CAT scans over the year say nothing is wrong. But that headache always comes back, so maybe that plays into it as well.

So far, my doctor and therapist are stumped.
I am currently on Prozac, in hopes that treating my depression and anxiety will make me feel normal again.
Also, my therapist is having me do more physical/artistic hobbies, limiting my time on electronics, she says that drawing and coloring can be a good way to feel connected and real. So far it has been helpful.

#237 forestx5

forestx5

    Senior DPSelfhelp.com Member

  • DPSH Members
  • 1253 posts
  • Locationcentral virginia blue ridge mountains

Posted 21 July 2018 - 11:02 PM

I was seeking intoxication from cannabis at age 17.  Shortly after smoking 2 joints with several friends, I felt a jerking movement in  my abdomen, in conjunction with a jabbing pain.  A smoky sensation rose through  my abdomen into my chest.  It caused my heart to beat wildly and I felt a sensation of impending doom.  The sensation rose through my neck and into my head and caused a generalized tingling.  The tingling coalesced at the left front of my head.  The right side of my head felt normal, while the left side was cold and numb, as if a line had been drawn down the center of my head.  My vision began to frame, as if I was seeing the world as a slide show.  The tingling moved slowly to the left rear of my head.  I felt a tensing for 4 or 5 seconds, and then a powerful electric shock went through my head.  My vision zoomed as if I were looking through binoculars from the wrong end.  Things appeared as if at the end of a long tunnel.  The shocks and zooming of vision continued at intervals of 5 seconds for about 3 minutes.  When it was over, I became very ill and my perception of myself and my environment was  permanently changed.  Fast forward 38 years.  I am researching British neurological texts and medical journals and I find case histories that match my exact experience.  They explain that a worse case scenario is that an abdominal aura begets a temporal lobe seizure and the post ictal trauma segues into a major depressive disorder.  I had experienced about 35 epileptic discharges in 3 minutes time.  It left my brain in shambles.  There it is.  My life story.  I had survived 4 or 5 episodes of  major depression in my life.  I had several severe panic attacks every year of my life.  I  suffered ocular migraines and acquired a head tremor following the event at age 17.  I experienced OCD,Dp/Dr, racing thoughs and the smorgasboard of psychiatric symptoms.  I identified my panic attacks as focal temporal lobe seizures. My EEGs are typical of someone with a history of epileptic seizure.  In hindsight, I now understand my life and what I went through.  I had ECT in 2013 and I do not believe I will suffer another major depressive episode.  I feel well and have no symptoms save the occasional ocular migraine.



#238 lol

lol

    Newbie

  • DPSH Members
  • Pip
  • 3 posts

Posted 11 August 2018 - 08:18 PM

it first started when I smoked with my friend, I had a huge panic attack and was screaming. I had mad anxiety, my brother told me it was just because I was high but a few days after I felt like I was a in a dream when I wasn’t high and I felt like my best friend was fading away or something like that. It started happening regularly and getting worse. I couldn’t sleep or do anything I wanted to anymore. I have anxiety about everything now and I can’t focus. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. DP has changed me a lot. I’ve had it for a few months and being searching for a recovery but haven’t found anything yet. pls lmk if you have any suggestion other than “it will pass”

#239 smallbean

smallbean

    Newbie

  • DPSH Members
  • Pip
  • 15 posts

Posted 15 August 2018 - 03:32 PM

(Trigger Warning: Suicide)

 

My DP was triggered after I went through a series of traumatic events all within 2 years time. My mother took her own life in August 2016, the day after my grandmother passed away. My mom suffered from Bipolar II disorder for my entire life, and my childhood also consisted of multiple traumas regarding previous suicide attempts of hers, etc. I've always been the type to suppress negative emotions- such as grief, anger, sadness, etc.- so I didn't properly deal with my grief or the loss of my mom. It wasn't until late in 2017- end of November- that I had a series of 3 car accidents within 6 weeks time and all of those bottled emotions surfaced. Two of the car accidents were minor- just got side-swept by someone and also rear ended- but after the second car accident I knew something was wrong... but I had no idea what. I was incredibly jumpy, easy to startle and just felt extremely anxious and like I was on high-alert at all times. Now I know I was showing symptoms of PTSD (although my therapist thinks it's more likely CPTSD because of my childhood history).

 

I had also smoked some weed one night (I had been a habitual smoker before all of this but I'd NEVER experienced paranoia, anxiety or any DP/DR symptoms after smoking- it had always been an anxiety reliever for me personally) and for the first time ever I felt my heart racing. I've never paid much attention to my heart rate but it was really making me anxious how fast I could feel it beating. I worked myself up so much about it- thinking I was going to die or have a heart attack- that I had a full on anxiety attack (my first one ever) and spent the entire night unable to move or concentrate on anything other than how anxious and awful I felt. After that anxiety attack, everything else fell apart. I immediately lost all of my emotions. This was one of the first symptoms of DP for me, but I had no idea what I was dealing with. I had trouble focusing on anything other than how scared and uneasy I felt, ungrounded and like something horrible was going to happen any minute. I used to seek solace in my thoughts- as an only child I've always been fond of daydreaming and I've always felt like my thoughts and my head were an escape from reality- but they turned to a living hell. I lost all ability to daydream, to imagine the future or a world where I didn't feel so weird all the time. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew I was definitely dealing with something that I'd never dealt with before.

 

Nothing seemed to matter to me- I lost all sense of my goals and my personality. I couldn't tell what I liked and disliked because I had no emotions or preferences to go off of. All of the things I previously loved doing brought me absolutely no joy and I couldn't ever be present enough to do them anyway. I thought I was going crazy. It took me a long time and a LOT of googling before I realized whatever I was dealing with was connected to my trauma somehow- the weed had just been the catalyst for the volcanic eruption of anxiety and emotions that my body didn't know how to deal with. So, it just shut down. And I've been this way for almost 9 months now. I'm in a chronic state of DP- I never get seconds, let alone days, where I'm able to feel like a real human being. I just feel incredibly detached all of the time. I have a ton of intrusive thoughts about my relationship, my friendships and my life because my mind is trying to so hard to gain some type of control over my situation. 

 

I currently see a therapist who specializes in trauma and did her dissertation on CPTSD. She treats many clients with DP/DR disorder and I've tried some EMDR therapy but I didn't notice any differences with it- most likely because I'm too detached to process any trauma as I'm unable to emotionally connect to my trauma. I can talk about it without feeling sadness or anger and when I cry it's more intellectual than emotional. I don't feel sad and then cry, I cry in therapy and then realize I must be sad because I'm crying- even though I don't feel the sadness or the grief. 

 

Anyway, that's my (very long, I know, I"m sorry!) story of how everything started. Thanks for reading this novel of a postsmile.png



#240 felixthecat

felixthecat

    Newbie

  • DPSH Members
  • Pip
  • 8 posts
  • LocationConnecticut

Posted 15 August 2018 - 04:39 PM

Hi, 22 year old female. I have a wonderful boyfriend, family, friends, and I feel so stuck.
About two months ago, i went to a vacation house with a group of close friends. We all took a type of LSD we had never had before, and everybody was essentially losing it. Thankfully, we all were fine the next day. Reality felt a little off, but nothing I couldnt handle. That feeling shortly went away.
It all came to a head one night when my boyfriend had a fit of rage. He's ex army, PTSD. I've seen this happen with him before, but for some reason this night was different. Maybe because we were both drunk and hes dealing with a lot in his life.

Since that night, everything has felt off. Like I'm living in a simulation. Dreams feel like reality, reality feels like a dream, and everything feels too real all the time. I dont recognize myself in a mirror. When im having a conversation with someone, I don't know how I'm talking. I dont know how im typing this right now.

My doctor prescribed me 0.5mg Xanax to combat the anxiety. It works, and it helps to combat the racing thoughts. Everything still feels off but it feels less off until the Xanax wears off.
Monday, he prescribed me Lexapro 20mg. I took it and felt immediately wrong. Heart palpitations, sweating, muscles tensing, tremors, nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to everything. Like i had taken bad ecstasy. It got to the point where I almost went to the ER to have my stomach pumped. It took around 6 hours for me to stop feeling those effects, but two days later I can feel it made the dp worse. I'm back on the Xanax now, thank God, but all I want is to feel normal and go back to being me.



Reply to this topic



  


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users