Tell us about your dp experience
Posted 22 September 2005 - 10:48 AM
ok well i was visiting my father for the weekend which i would do quite often since i lost my driving license (do to a dui) when my step sister asked me if i wanted to go to town with her so i did and i meet up with an old friend who kept tryin to convence me to buy lsd i told him that i had taken it befor and it didnt do anything and that i didnt want any because i belived that it was fake (should of listened to my self) beign the peerpressured indivedual that i am i fianly gave in i ate one hit of lsd around 1030p.m. and was feeling pretty good 45 min later i was all of the sudden all happy and couldent stop smiling the world felt great then i felt panicy allthough i didnt like go in to a severe bad trip i new somthin was wrong i just ignored it and let the lsd wear off well i tryed to lay down and close my eyes but i coudlent fallasleep and my neck hurt so bad a pain that i still feel to day as well as kind of tingleing in my head well i didnt sleep at all the next day i the lsd was just kickign to ass to say the least it was worn off but i was restless i felt very strange and wuld see floaters and i just thought o well when the lsd gets out of my system it will go away well it didnt i rember a week after takign lsd i was sitting out side smoking when i felt different and i uttered the words "unreal" because the world looked it to me and i had experenced a dp moment when i was about 14 at a football game i was talking to my friends when all of the sudden i was looking down upon my self and i was totaly out of my body for about 30 seconds then it wore off well any ways..... i went inside and said ill feel petter in the mornign because it only happend to me once befor and it went away well this was the first time for the dr i never had when my sorroundign felt unreal and i feel as if my actions are beign done by me but i feel distant like the old me is stuck in my head and cant get out like im watching some one else control my body and my memory is poor i cant rember what ive done most of the day i just went on vacation to new mexico to visit my sister thinkign i would feel better and im so ashamed because i cant rember a damn thing that i sould about the vacation or any thing
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Posted 02 October 2005 - 09:49 AM
Basically the DR started i guess 3 years ago. Ive never used MJ but I used to binge drink lots when I was younger. One drinking episode ended in a full blown panic attack although touch wood i havent had any since. Acute alcohol withdrawal seems to be the trigger though.
I noticed on the weekends that I would be walking along and in a dreamworld. I honestly felt like I needed a bucket of water thrown over me to "wake up" - Im not so conscious of it when im at work - probably due to the fact Im too busy to recognize it.
I know this is strange but I eat a lot of spicy foods. Has any one had that "Chilli" buzz where everything goes into a fog after eating too many habaneros (exactly the same as DR) ? Maybe capsaicin triggered the DR although those years ago LOL !
Ive also been suffering with severe exhaustion in the mornings too ? I went to the docs but he said its just lack of exercise which causes fatigue in the morning ? I done a bit of digging and it looks like some kind of Adrenal Fatigue (I think I read somewhere on this forum that DP/DR has adrenal (cortisol) connections ?)
Anyway symptoms for me are :
1. Fatigue AM
2. Sensitivity to noise in the mornings (noise creates a rumbling in my ear) and makes me wince
3. DR throughout the day - worst in mornings possibly ??
Does anyone here think meditation / yoga would help ? My friend does it and says it may alleviate the DR ?
Cheers everyone and thanks for the support !
Posted 19 November 2005 - 06:43 AM
i don't, at least not the first time
i don't remember a lot of the time i was a child
but i am sure of 5 years i had it,
(might have been there before, might have been a bit later)
but then it went away (april last year)
now 4 weeks ago it came back, what made it come back
well, i felt good, in those months, very good,
never felt bad (negative feelings) once...
that's the trigger (i guess)
i think maybe migraine had to do something with it too...
Posted 27 December 2005 - 01:23 PM
I've had DP/DR since 1970. It's not depression or anxiety-related. Mine is what you would call 'pure' DR, initiated by meditation, with no comorbidity. You get used to this sort. It fades into the background of your life, only to come to the fore when you think about it. Like a ticking clock, or a wart on the end of your nose. Months can go by without thinking about it at all.
[I don't know why there hasn't been an extensive MRI, PET, or functional-scan study of pure DP. A sample of 50 to 100 people might identify the regions of the brain that show differences from normal. Perhaps direct or magnetic-pulse stimulation, or suppression might illuminate what is going on in those (conjectured) areas. There is a preoccupation with antidepressants.]
Then there is a wistfulness for the years before: what's it like for the world to be real? It's been so long, I can't remember. If there were a drug that would recapture what I had in my childhood and teens, even for a few minutes, I would take it.
Posted 08 February 2006 - 10:59 PM
And I know that everything around me, including myself, is real. I'm just always seeing things as if my eyeballs were cameras, and I'm twice removed from the reality infront of my lens.
There are a variety of ways this could have happened. My father was physically abusive and perhaps it was from detaching during his beatings. Or maybe, it was from the bump on the head I took when I was in 2nd grade, because that is the first time I remember looking at my mom and dad and sister, tending to my head while I screamed, and they all looked ..flat. In fact, I don't remember screaming, I just remember hearing it. Weird.
So, now I'm scared. I can't tell anyone in my family, they already find it hard to deal with having a sister with "depression" (if that's even really what it was ever about) and no job because she's afraid to go get one, I'll be the "crazy" sister then. I can't tell my friends because I don't think I could even begin to explain to them that this is how I see the world 24/7. And the RARE times that I don't see the world like this, I think "oooh, you're here!! Ok, see what you can feel, feel what it's like to truly be a part of your body," and suddenly I'm right back in it, and can't feel anything except... fear.
I hope this is the beginning of me being on the right track, and I hope I'm able to find a medical professional in my area who has knowledge of this subject. Man, I'm so scared... and I wish I knew what I was afraid of.
Posted 09 February 2006 - 12:46 AM
If you are looking for a site on DP, this is theone. Your experience sounds related to abuse-dissociation, but I could be wrong. There are many people on this site who are expert on various types of Depersonalization. Just keep exploring here, and discussing and you'll find better answers than mine.
Posted 22 February 2006 - 05:23 AM
I have just discovered this site - hoping it will help.
I'm 24 and have by my reckoning been suffering from DP/DR 24/7 for the last 5 years. I remember very clearly when it all started: I was on the bus going to college as usual listening to my walkman when I became aware that the music sounded different somehow. Initially I thought it was the volume but that wasn't it - it seemed far away and distant, less resonant. It disturbed me but I didn't know what to do about it.
I was on an art foundation course (preparatory course before university) but I didn't produce one piece of work that I was even slighty pleased with and for me who had loved drawing and making things since I was a kid, this was a big deal. Also I was becoming disturbingly more aware that there was something wrong with me mentally. I felt completely detached from my actions and things seemed to have lost all meaning. Peoples faces looked wrong somehow - even my family and friends. I couldn't read any more because the words seemed dead, just marks on paper. TV, films and music (even stuff I had previously loved) became subdued sound and images.
I went to my doctor who told me that the detached feeling was common and nothing to worry about (!). I didn't question it though because somehow I thought it was just a passing thing - I was always pretty introverted and didn't mind being on my own so I figured I was lacking exercise or something. That wasn't it. Nothing changed and I became increasingly more withdrawn. I would go out at night and just sit in fields on my own or if I was with others just pretend there was nothing wrong which only emphasised my detachment.
At the same time, I started seeing floaters in my vision which make sunny days and brightly lit rooms hellish since they also refract light when they pass over a source. After seeing 3 different opticians and a doctor about it who all told me it was normal, I gave up and just live with them.
As for potential causes, I smoked weed socially but not excessively. I took mushrooms once, didn't like it but was fine the next day. I tried Absinthe on a college trip (this was the most recent event to when it all started). Normal alcohol intake. Tame by most peoples standards but I guess some people are more susceptible than others. Now I just drink occasionally.
Currently I am "studying" in Japan but have failed entry level courses because I can barely take in information. My social life is nearly non-existent and future prospects are grim. I have made "friends" here but I am now pretty much going through the motions and 99% of what I say is feigned interest and fabricated to appear normal.
Having said that, I don't think I am insane. I know that this is reality and I can recognise and do most basic things. The problem is that nothing FEELS real. I am not joking when I say that my dreams are the only place where I feel normal.
I am going to see a doctor this week but I'm finding it hard to be optimistic.
Posted 01 June 2006 - 10:08 AM
I know exactly how you feel I also had an abusive father and perhaps we learnt to "disconnect" in hard situations from a young age ,it's a very interesting theory.
I can also relate to this kind of situation. I'm a 37 year old female who grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father. When he would start on one of his tirades, I used to imagine that I wasn't really there and that as long as I thought he couldn't see me, he couldn't hurt me. I always felt so numb during those times, and it felt like I was watching those things happen to someone else.
I read a list of symptoms on one of the other boards, and I've experienced just about everything on those lists. From what i can remember, my problems started around the age of 8. By the time I was 15, I felt like a total basket case. I couldn't understand why I didn't think or feel things the way my friends did. A lot of things have happened over the years that have made me question whether or not I'm really a human being. A few years ago, my mom was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer... one that has a very low survival rate. One day, her doctor told our family that there was nothing they could do for her and that we needed to register her for hospice care. Everyone was crying and carrying on, and I just sat there like somebody had been discussing the weather. I felt absolutely nothing. All the way home I kept wondering what was wrong with me, and I felt ashamed because I hadn't had any reaction to the news.
I've had a lot of therapy over the years, and I've tried just about every med on the market, but nothing really seems to help. I'll do ok for a while, then something happens, and I'm right back to where I started. A friend of mine told me about this site, and I'm really glad he did. Although I don't wish this kind of disorder on anyone, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one.
Posted 06 June 2006 - 06:07 PM
I've been okay recently, until today. Actually, I think it started yesterday with my feet. They felt different, like they were apart and walking on their own instead of in sync with me. Now, its my hands. I keep shaking them like they are covered in water to get rid of this splitting feeling that they aren't my own.
I now realize that all those poems I wrote about feeling behind a wall of ice and trapped during my teen years was a good indicator, but now I can't excatly recall why I wrote them, or if I feel the same way I do now as I did then.
This really got worse about two years ago. I was fresh out of high school. I married a military guy and got swept off to a new place alone with just me and him. I'm a pretty shy person and was still back then. I was relunctent to get a job or go to school. My husband was stressed out with his career and his new wife, and wanted me to start doing things.
I can't remember excatly how the day went, but I know how me and DP became to really know each other. My husband started playing a certain song on his computer over and over again for hours. It was the song Scars by Papa Roach. He had already mentioned to me how unhappy he was with me how everything was going.
I couldn't take it anymore, I went to our bedroom and shut myself in the closet. But, I couldn't escape the music. I loved music and poetry and writing, and this constant song really hurt me. I'd had panic attacks in the past before this day, so when I started to have one it wasn't anything new, although I tried to calm myself down.
What really hurt afterwards was that I knew he could hear me gasping because I felt like I couldn't breathe and he didn't even try to come and help me. Before when I had attacks there was always someone with me to calm me down. Being alone with one was very scary.
Eventually he pulled me out of the closet and sat me down to have a talk with me like I was a child or something. About all the things he was unhappy about and mentioned divorce. I told him things would change, and they did, but not in the best way.
After that I felt really numb. He picked up life again like nothing ever went wrong.
For a while I thought I had anxiety/depression, until I realized while my husband was deployed that the other things I was going through was not normal. I felt nothing about my relationship with my husband, good or bad. I constantly lost track of time and felt outside of myself. And that's how I found out about DP.
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