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Is this emotional numbness?

Depression Perception Fake Connect Uncaring Dont care

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#1 esiuol

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 10:47 AM

Hello,

I've had dp/dr since 2015. It's a lot better since then, I don't get panic attacks or freak out over reality. One thing I haven't had in a long time is emotional numbness but I think I may have that again? I've had it before but whatever I'm going thought now doesn't feel like it did then, ,but it feels similar.

Basically one day I realised I just wasn't feeling very much. I don't feel numb, but I don't really feel anything either. I feel like my personality has gone and I'm just kind of on auto-pilot but I'm still aware of he decisions I'm making so it's not like a brain fog. It's like I just don't care? I don't know if t emotional numbness or I just don't care about anything anymore and I hate it. I would rather it be numbness because that is something I can come back from. I feel as if I can tell connect to the meanings of things. For example, some one may live their hometown, and logically I can understand it but I can't connect with the feeling. I feel like all my dp/dr has come down to this point and that this is the finish line. Like I've finally passed a test a realised nothing matters and this is me now. Nothing has any meaning, I can't feel emotions, and nothing and no one means anything to me. I don't even know if this is dp/dr or just my personality now. I truly feel as if I will not be able to go back from this.

Can anyone relate?

#2 WreckingHotelRooms

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:30 PM

I dunno what the auto pilot thing is, i've had that a little while, hopefully someone know's exactly what that is... 

 

Logically to me though if you are more emotionally connected, things will stop drifting by. 

 

To me it sounds like emotional numbing, with things like can't connect with a feeling, also sometimes numbness is feeling nothing at all. All that sounds classic. 

 

You can get emotions back, how while you got DP without taking medication I haven't figured out



#3 esiuol

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Posted 07 June 2017 - 03:11 AM

It's not numbness, I don't think. It's just like when I laugh, I laugh but don't feel it deeply. When I'm happy, I don't feel it deeply. It's sort of as if my gut feeling is gone.

#4 WreckingHotelRooms

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Posted 07 June 2017 - 03:31 AM

It's not numbness, I don't think. It's just like when I laugh, I laugh but don't feel it deeply. When I'm happy, I don't feel it deeply. It's sort of as if my gut feeling is gone.

 

 

That's exactly what I would call lack of emotional range.... emotional numbing. All these things you mention are 'feelings' so what causes feelings? emotions... what blunts emotions... numbness. Honestly don't think you'll get a different answer.



#5 dissoziation

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Posted 07 June 2017 - 11:56 AM

Hey. Given the evidence that you've provided in your earlier post, it definitely sounds a lot like the way that DP/DR tends to make you feel when you have it (in other words, emotional numbness). I can definitely relate a lot to this and I think you've described it perfectly. Something I want to tell you however is that even if you feel like you can't connect with anything at all, there's still a part of you that can empathize/sympathize with things even if you don't realize it yet. The reason I say this is because of this part in your post:

 

 

I don't feel numb, but I don't really feel anything either.

 

Even if you can't feel it right now in the present, just know that this is a sign that you haven't completely gone off the deep end when it comes to the emotional numbness/blunting.



#6 wheredidigo

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Posted 08 June 2017 - 10:19 AM

Hi,

 

I can definitely relate. I feel like I'm asleep, or half-alive. I can process "feelings" intellectually, know that something should be happy, sad, erotic, etc., but feel none of it in my body. It's like there's a sheet of antimatter just under my skin that lets nothing in or out. Dead inside, but brain still works. I started realizing something was up when I would mentally check out as well, after a long day or week, like my brain was just done doing all the work, and had to shut down. 

 

I did a Pranic healing session at the advice of my therapist. It was intense. The practitioner told me after that it was like I had "plates of armor." At one point it felt like she was yanking a 12 foot rope out of my back. Afterwards I felt lighter, refreshed, and on the way home, listening to the radio, heard something that made me laugh spontaneously -- at which point I started sobbing, unable to remember the last time I had laughed at anything without thinking about it first. Both things helped me feel human, alive, even for a couple of minutes. Gave me some hope that I'm still in there, somewhere.

 

I'm just starting to read up on what's going on with me, think it has something to do with dissociation. I've been meditating regularly for years, and would try to touch things inside and coax them out, and occasionally go deep enough, and get response (usually some tears and a tightness in my chest), that I would then just be with, soothing but nothing else. I would get pretty stoked about the result, but never could get back to those places -- it's like they picked up and moved on, never to be seen again, replaced by the void, a dark painting of a calm lake that never twitched. The more I read about dissociation, the more I realized that its a "survival" mechanism, that actively changes gears so the tools you start developing don't always work. 

 

I got turned on to Focusing, which is a form of intentional meditation, and just started working with that. Following that in a meditation, when there's nothing to feel (usually), I address the nothingness itself, speaking to it, being with it, trying to see things from it's perspective. It's really difficult, and time consuming (my usual 10 or 15 minute meditations have turned into 45-60 minutes), but there's less expectation and more consistency. Very slow going, but I'm starting to understand that the depersonalization/dissociation seems to be coming from a place inside of me that seeks protection at all costs. It's a long road, unpacking the "why" and the "how," but it's definitely giving me a glimpse that the person I used to know might still be around, isn't dead. 

 

I wish you good work and intention, and hope to read of your progress. Thank you for reading this.







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