Up and down day
Posted 26 March 2017 - 05:39 PM
the last 2 days have been pretty hard for me. My anxiety has been at an all time high and I had a complete breakdown in front of my girlfriend (she's been amazing through all of my mental endeavors) and I just felt so detached from the world and I kept feeling like I was going to suddenly 'wake up' which is a super uncomfortable feeling and honestly causes me more anxiety when I sit on it and think so hard, but it's hard for me to not be alone because I live in a dorm room by myself and being around my 2 best friends the last few days has been tough and somewhat triggering just because I am so hyper aware.
I guess that's how I would explain how I feel- so dang aware. I hate it. My OCD is completely on the grid with the thoughts of having DP/DR and I ruminate on my thoughts and how I feel. Everything I do I question now, even when I do things I normally do like make dinner or take a shower I'm good at first until I for some reason remind myself to think about every movement and how I feel. This of course leads into a vicious cycle of anxiety, the unknown of life, more anxiety, dizziness and panic, being overall terrified.
I went to sleep on a pretty relaxed note last night and woke up today motivated to write a book I have always wanted to. I decided to take today to be alone and only call my girlfriend throughout the day so I can recoup, even though being alone causes me to think but I woke up happy and that lasted for a few hours until I became anxious again and felt weird so I did research on DP/DR and anxiety and decided I needed to nap. When I woke up an hour later I had a crazy spurt of energy and did my dishes, made a nice dinner and cleaned the kitchen. As I ate however, I did more research and completely snapped back into the obsessional part of everything and scared myself again. Now I'm just bleh. I've been lying in bed staring at the walls, my phone call with my gf I was agitated the whole time and not because of her but because idk why. I'm mad at others who don't go through this and it's not fair to be that way.
I started to think of how scared I was if I develop depression, if this isn't real life, if I'm always be this way and feel this way, if I'm the back of mind no matter what I'll always be questioning life and my movements, if I lose myself with all of this and I'm just tired and want to cry. It's only been a few days and my anxiety symptoms have started to heighten during my time of the month, so I'm hoping maybe it's just that but I'm just scared of so many what ifs, which is how it usually goes I suppose.
I'm just very sad, tired, and bleh. I am still hopeful, however. I begin CBT soon with my OCD specialist and I'm hoping that will help all my fears and thoughts with possibly having DP/DR, and just teach me to re-wire my brain.
I want to be who I was 4 days ago, and I want to be happy and not afraid to leave my bed nor be afraid to be in it. I don't want to be afraid or whatever about things, I just want to enjoy life and accept what I can't control. I hope to try meditation soon, and change my diet so that I can input foods that help the brain along with working out more. I want to be happy with my girlfriend and my best friends and enjoy time with them again and not be afraid they'll trigger me or I'll have an attack. I just want to be able to not question things again and live with them. :/
I apologize for the long rant. Today was very up and down for me and I am so scared, and I just want to be who I was 4 days ago thank you for reading
Posted 26 March 2017 - 06:27 PM
Well done for getting through the day even though there has been a lot of downs. Just to let you know, recovery isn't linear at all. You will get worse before you get better. But more often than not, when you get better again you are even better than before when you were "better". Let us know how you're doing in the next few days. I hope your CBT goes well.
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users