So lately I have been dealing with depersonalization and derealization. It all started about 4-5 weeks ago when a girl from my hall was in my dorm. I looked at her and thought to myself, "What makes her her? Why is she the way she is? Why is that her personality?" and as I was doing this, I took a deep breath, but couldn't get a full breath. From then on, I was focused on my breathing and couldn't stop for about 2 weeks. This was accompanied by severe depression and anxiety. I've always been anxiety prone. This is my first year of college. In my first semester, when I came home for fall break, I had a few really bad derealization attacks. But they eased up. Winter break was great and so were the first few weeks of the spring semester (though I did have a few panic attacks for no apparent reason).
My parents told me to start doing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and seek help from the counselor. The counselor hasn't really been helpful, though we've only had a couple of sessions. When I told her I felt detached from reality, she gave me a stress ball and told me to close my eyes and told me to focus on a happy moment in my life, and squeeze the stress ball. The CBT is probably helping, as my depression and anxiety have diminished greatly, but they're still there. I'm still focused on my breathing a lot and have "air hunger" which makes me want to take full breaths all the time. I've lately picked up on the Buteyko method for that, but it's really difficult and it disrupts my sleep.
I'm definitely very homesick. It was a HUGE leap for me to go to college. I wasn't really considering it at first, but felt obligated to. I have absolutely no friends, though, and spend all my time in my dorm either on my computer, drawing, or playing guitar/writing music. All I want is to go home. Spring break is next week, but I don't want to wait. I just don't want to grow up. I hate change. I'm not ready, and depersonalization and derealization are making this SO much worse. I feel like such a baby, but I REALLY want my mom and dad. I rarely keep in contact with people I know, so i don't talk to them. I've always been introverted, but now I need people. I'm just very anxious in social situations.
Sometimes I get a glimmer of hope like, "hey! I can do this! It's just my mind playing tricks on me, and I'll be home soon!" but these are short spurts and usually only last about 20-30 minutes (better than nothing, though). After these, I start to lose hope in everything. I keep reminding myself of past moments, but they feel fake. I try to do and think of all the things I love, but then question why I love them, or if I even ever loved them. My vision is constantly blurry, and everything looks 2-Dimensional. I can't relax and it's hard to concentrate. Sometimes I can distract myself, but if I realize I'm distracted, it'll come right back. I'm so scared and I need help, but I have no one to turn to. I feel like I'm going insane. I really just want to go home and not have to take midterms of go to classes... Or have to come home, feel better, and then have to go back and finish the semester and feel even worse. I'm praying for God to give me an answer in this trying time. I am a Christian, and this is drawing me closer to Him, but He still feels silent. I feel so alone... I feel so empty and I can't escape it... Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.