56 replies to this topic

[Hedgehog fuzz]

Well, I hope that I can prove you wrong REB. Wouldn't that be nice (no sarcasm intended).

[dreamedm]

Yep. I used to have dp/dr with racing/looping thoughts, but that finally culminated into a blank mind, a void, if you will. It's as though my psyche couldn't handle the constant negative thoughts and emotions any longer that my mind had been "fighting" with and so it decided to check out.

 

This is the worst possible state I've ever been in and cannot imagine anything worse except for perhaps total insanity/psychosis. 

 

Ever since this "blankness" began, I feel as though I've been trapped in an eternal moment of emptiness, despair, hopelessness and suicidal waves of terror practically daily. No enjoyment from anything, I function like a robot, walk the streets like a ghost, like the living dead.

 

I've been corresponding with someone who went through this state and came out of it in a year by grounding himself through yoga, meditation and doing activities he "enjoyed" so there is some sort of hope, although we need to take action for this to pass, as he says. It likely won't go away on its own, from what I understand. As some have been telling me so far - I need to "get back into my body."

[REB]

Keep us updated, hedgehog. 

 

Dreamedm. I would also consider a fullblown psychosis worse than this. But i would do so in the sense that i would choose chronic leukemia over acute leukemia if that makes sense. With acute leukemia you live or you die. With chronic leukemia you certainly die, but you have all the time in the world and you're not in agonizing pain.

 

I see my friends struggling with anxiety, depression and other thought-induced horrors. i can't help but feel blessed for being shielded from this.

BM is like nature's horse tranquilizer and i actually don't want to jump back on the emotional rollercoaster. 

The point being, we have time. At least, that's how i "feel".

[Hedgehog fuzz]

I had psychotic elements to this when this all first started a few months ago. I stopped myself going into full blown psychosis through willpower but it was hard. It was the most horrendous thing imaginable. Life is horrendous now though with this blank mind. I used to have a constant internal dialogue and self-directedness towards actions and goals but now...nothing. 

 

Maybe the theory that this is because it was too much for my mind to handle are true. I had some awful awful and unpredictable things happen last year.....things got rocked the foundations of who I am, some to do with sex, and so on. It destroyed me.

[REB]

Of course it's true. We're predisposed to react with dissociation to stress. That's well established.

[REB]

I'm also curious how you guys communicate this condition to friends and family?

I've never bothered telling anyone about this, and i never will. People know i'm mentally ill because of my reclusiveness and they often try to talk to me about it.

I find this excruciatingly awkward because i just have to go along and nod my head to stuff like "i'm so depressed, and my life is a mess".

And then they look at me like they want me to share my mental issues. I have none. I have no thoughts about the future, i have no aspirations, no views on anything.

[MichaelTheAnhedonic]

Huh. All this time I was almost sure that I've developed simple schizophrenia. But the amount of people suffering from the exact same symptoms like me is telling me that it might be chronic DP. I'm so confused... 

[REB]

What are your symptoms, sad frog?

[MichaelTheAnhedonic]

Blank mind, indifference (emotional numbness), anhedonia, apathy, no libido, tinnitus, muscle fasciculations (dunno if it's connected).

[REB]

Did your symptoms develop after a traumatic or stressful event?

[MichaelTheAnhedonic]

Stressful event. It escalated when I smoked weed. I woke up with anxiety, derealization and which was the scariest - HOCD.

[Hedgehog fuzz]

Did you find the HOCD the scariest? Do you want to elaborate (if you feel comfortable).

 

HOCD really fucked me up. It's destroyed me practically. I know how you feel.  Mine came after I experienced severe loss of control in sex addiction (it's real), and I fucked a transgender escort. That really was the start of a long line of awfulness.

 

Do you have hallucinations, delusions (like believing you are God or being controlled by Aliens), or anything else like perceptual abnormalities?