In a previous post I mentioned that I was finally healing from dpd. dpd "started" in 1996, and has been absolutely chronic until within the past few months and especially the past few weeks. I have come to terms with my childhood emotional neglect (at least to some degree), and I have felt intense REAL sadness and anger during the past few months. I also had glimpses of joy, wholeness, and peacefulness but they were lasting for only a few seconds, and I also continued to perceive the world as flat, not very 3D, objects were not distinct from one another, etc. That was when I was taking Cymbalta (120 mg) and Klonopin (1 mg). This changed dramatically a few days after my pDoc put me on Geodon (20 mg at night), an atypical antipsychotic, two weeks ago. I was hesitant to try Geodon (I actually put off starting it for one month) because I was on Zyprexa and Risperdal back in 1996 and 1997, before I even knew I had dpd or that something called dpd even existed, and they did nothing but make me feel even more spacey back then. This time, a few days into taking Geodon, I began to feel real happiness for the first time in 20 years. Not just "surface" happiness or joy, but as if I was and am truly happy once again. A weight began to lift off of my shoulders. And finally last week (after 1.5 weeks of being on Geodon) my perception has gone almost entirely back to normal My friend and I were driving out of town, and while I was in the passenger's seat I was simply looking outside at the trees and nature. I realized that everything didn't look flat, but had depth and dimensions. Of course I cried when I realized this. That was last Friday, and my perception has continued to improve. Things seem almost (almost almost almost) back to "normal" again- I feel such peace and happiness. I feel as if I have "settled back into" my body, and I am not afraid anymore of dpd or life in general. My therapist couldn't believe what he was seeing last week (I have seen him for 2 years at least twice a month). I was alive, present, cracking jokes, witty, and unfiltered...the REAL ME.
One thing I am dealing with, as all of these great things happen to me, is the sadness of "losing" 20 years of my life. Surely they weren't completely wasted, but feeling disconnected from my "self" and my life all of those years is very painful to fully realize. I apologize to myself as I sob and scream about it in my car (when I'm parked away from people in my work parking lot). But it is something that is very sad and incomprehensible even for me.
I plan on writing a book about my recovery to help the public and others to understand dpd from a survivor's standpoint. I have kept an email journal (emailing myself lol) of my progress for the past 3 months. Here is a section of an emai from early last week:
"It was raining a little bit today as I drove to work, but again I wasn't feeling disconnected or "annoyed" about it. I feel as if I am "back (or safe)" in my body, and I am not as concerned with the environment around me. It's as if my "self" has returned and is now concerned about how I am feeling and what is happening in my life in the current moment, and I am not feeling "oppressed" by the clouds and the gloomy weather. I was inside my car and safe, and my mind is with me, with its emotions, and my consciousness was not outside somewhere escaping my mind or emotions, or looking outside my "self" for some type of answer, direction, or emotion. I am comfortable and safe, and even better I am extremely happy. I listened to music and sang some karaoke in my car as I drove. My mind wasn't empty and in the clouds. I was present and I was driving to work and I was happy. I made sure that I breathed more deeply when I felt like I was holding my breathe unconsciously. I'm so happy to be alive and almost back to normal (I'd say I'm only 20% or so disconnected now, compared to 95% 3 months ago). I've come along way toward making a COMPLETE recovery, I have a few more steps to take, and I will never step back although I will realize that that was my life for so many years (this last sentence is making me cry hard right now)."
Take care everyone. You'll find the help you need to be recovered...it may take time, but you will find it!