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There and Back Again

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#1 knight

knight

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Posted 25 March 2016 - 10:12 PM

Hello, This is going to be a journey. Oh God, where do I start? So about a month ago now I believe that I developed DP or dissociation according to my therapist. I remember the night like yesterday, I was talking to my boyfriend at around 12 am and we were saying out goodbyes and just as I was looking at him, he didn't feel like him anymore..  It was like in an instant he went from my boyfriend to a dream. I flipped out on him because something in my mind asked, "what is your real boyfriend left and this was an alien?" I know, stupid right? but that's how I felt! It terrified me because the only other time I felt this dream sensation was when I smoked pot (I'll get back to that) and I sure as hell wasn't high so I freaked out. After a week of deep depression and confusion I found out that this is called depersonalization. Now I have felt this before to a degree that is 10X the degree at which I feel it now and that was when I smoked weed for the first time. After about 10 minutes from one hit I got this TERRIFYING feeling and it sent me into a panic. My friend said that I just smoked too much and I have to let my body get used to it. So about a month past from that and I tried it again with my boyfriend. Once again I got the DP sensation but this time I knew what it was because I got it the first time I got high so I didn't panic. It went away after an hour or so and I just thought that I needed to get used to weed. I didn't realize that this isn't what people like to feel. A few weeks later of smoking very little and not getting DP I decided to take a hit at around 10 PM. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. I was folding my socks and then I got up to get water and then it was like I woke up while getting water and forgot what I was doing before. I knew then I messed up. I thought to myself it would pass in an hour so I went to bed and long story short, it didn't. I had a panic attack because the "high" stuck with me for about 5 hours! This led me to have a huge panic attack and try to control myself. I told myself that I am in control so I got up, went to the bathroom, turned on the heater (I get insane chills when high), and then crawled back into bed only to feel like I woke up again right when I laid down and could not recall the last 5 minutes! I was aware that I had just done something but could not remember what and that scared the shit out of me! Fast forwarding I was done with weed from then on and was scared I was losing my mind. I felt completely normal until that one night that I just didn't anymore. Isn't it crazy how that happens? Someone can feel great until they just don't. Could take a lifetime, could be when you're saying goodbye to your boyfriend for the night. I have gotten help from a therapist and am seeing her weekly for my past childhood problems. I have come to accept the feelings and just ignore them but today felt different which led me to here. I remember what I am doing but once in awhile it just feels like I wake up in the middle of a task. It's definitely different than what I have been feeling in the past month and I got a bit scared. I wanted to reach out to somebody, anybody to ask if I am just having a bad day with DP or if I am losing myself.. I'm scared today, I usually just ignore the feeling but I can tell it's different today. I have tons of people I can talk to but nobody with the same disorder. So there you go. I would love to post things about my childhood and the way I feel and question I have if I'm welcome. I just want to feel "there" again. P.S My name is Knight.







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