THIS MIGHT BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME PEOPLE. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!
Hello, My name is William Hadley and I am honestly just looking for help. Ive been looking on the forum for some time now, browsing other threads, searching for help through others questions, hoping that ill stumble upon the one answer that will turn my life back around, but i haven't. So i have decided to register or two and tell my story, as i think its a unique one that needs to be looked at by its self. Like ive said, my name is William Hadley, but you can call me will, and this is my story. I was put into foster care after years of being abused and neglected at the age of 14. I was one of the "special kids". The ones that every foster parent wanted inside their home to keep balance and order. I did my part when my part was needed and i made sure to take responsibility for things i did and also helped out around the house. I was an overall good kid. Don't get me wrong, i had my triggers and my pet peeves but i guess you could say i handled them much better than most kids in foster care can. I hopped from house to house until finally planting myself in a good group home where i actually met my best friend till this day. Things were rough at times but that home was the one. Though after a year of following the systems every rule, i grew tired of being there. I didn't start to act out or anything, but instead i started a mental countdown and from then on out i did everything with the future outcome of my life in mind. Also being an introvert as i am, i tend to think a lot. I was very social when i needed and/or wanted to be but a lot of the time i stayed to myself. So with that being said, i used to think about the future and all possibilities and variables of not just my life, but also those around me. I LOVED to think about how other people's lives can impact mine and how every little move its defined and cannot be taken away but only added to, and time, and paradoxes, and God, and space, and the brain. I was in fact an over thinker. But it never harmed me in anyway. Even though things were good around me i started to develop severe depression. I started cutting deep cuts through my arms and not eating and not sleeping and it was a mess. At the time i started to go to multiple hospitals for inpatient care and mental health services. I eventually got moved out of the home i loved so much because they felt that my actions would be mimicked by the younger children and i understood. I moved from Ft. Lauderdale all the way to Port Saint Lucie, Florida. Had a sucky time there, to sum it up i got accused of things, arrested, picked on, and it was bad. After 2 and a half months living there, i moved to West Palm because they found out a lot of what the lady said wasn't true and i had also told them she was abusive. They moved me to West Palm where i stayed with an older couple and things were going ok there but i wasn't feeling the place so i just didn't branch out and stayed to myself and got moved again after a month there. I went back to Ft.Lauderdale and to a shelter and ran away for 3 weeks. I came back and then stayed in a holding home for a month and then moved to Tallahassee to a place called Boys Town. I don't want to go into it too much but it was and still is the best place I have ever been to. The staff actually care and the administration understand and the kids are okay and the whole program is beautiful. But even though things were going really good. I still felt somewhat empty, not depressed though. So 2 months before getting my freedom, because all foster kids leave at the age 18 to go out into the world., i did a drug. The drug is called ayahuasca and is a hallucinogen. I took the crushed up root in capsules and i took about 8 caps worth of the stuff and about 6 caps before hand that were filled with mimosa and something else. something to coat the stomach or something idk. But i took them wanting a break from all the stress and as sorta like a hey i made it this far celebration. I took them at 12am. Then took the actual ayahuasca pills at 12:30-:45. They hit at 2:00am and they hit hard. I saw a horse with patterns running through its face and and from the second it hit, i knew it was gonna be bad. My heart sped up to unbelievable rates and my body temperature was literally burning up. I had tremors throughout my body and muscle spasms. My vision was altered in which figures were appearing out of nothing. So many voices. So much noise. So many thoughts. I was afraid to fall asleep or even close my eyes for that matter. For with every inch of darkness came a bad image. I began to get up and walk as best as i could thinking to myself if i should get help. But because at the time time trouble id get in was hefty, i decided to ride it out. I got up and went to the bathroom and looked at myself and i regret it because to this day i don't know who it is looking back at me. I began to get dehydrated and and pass out repeatedly. Every time i came to id try and drink water but it felt as if i didn't have control of my body so it was pretty hard to so. I called the guy who sold it to me and my friend and was asking what to do and they told me it was normal and that it would wear off at like 4 or 5 in the morning. Every minute felt like a year. 5 in the morning came and it didn't stop, it got worse. Thoughts of death entered my mind. I started to frantically freak out because i was sure id be stuck like that forever and they'd have to keep my in a white room bound to a chair trying to find out whats wrong with me. I started to cry as i thought of friends and family who i'd let down and my future was no longer within reach. At 11:00 am it all wore down and i felt weird but i was thankful it was over. All of this took place in early November. The next couple of weeks i felt sorta weird but was unsure of what it was and i ignored it deciding never to think back to that night. On the day after thanksgiving i got very sick with some type of stomach bug and started throwing up every time i even took a sip of water. I was in the worst un explainable pain ever and people were unsure if i should go to the hospital because the bug was going around the house but i was the only one who had reacted like this. They put me in bed in which i passed out a lot from dehydration and i swear it felt like the time i took the drug The next morning i felt better but didn't feel like myself and i didn't know how to explain it so i didn't say anything. I i started to get really anxious and shaky and felt weird about a lot of things. One night things got really bad and i tried to shake it off but couldn't so i walked outside and cried. I cried for myself because i was stuck and it was my fault i was like this. I asked God for forgiveness and i was so open to anything but it seems no one heard me, except my foster parent however. She came out and saw me there anger and crying and confused and told me that i can be outside for a minute of two more but then id have to come in and talk to her. I came in after a while but i couldn't talk. I really couldn't seem to open my mouth. and when i finally did, i had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, my vision got blurry,i started getting huge feelings of denationalization running through my body and chills and i ended up going to the hospital. That happened two more times through the weeks and i didn't know why. I never told anyone except one hospital about the drug and they just said if i took a drug a while ago then it wouldn't be in my system now and any damage isn't the drug. i argued that it was and they argued their point back as well and that happened each time. I turned 18, the day i had been waiting for and instead of feeling a sense of freedom, i felt a sense of imprisonment. I was stuck in my own head feeling like this forever and i could do nothing about it. I a little after i turned 18 i started to notice trails of my hands. I thought nothing of it and was like eh. But i was walking one night and a cars light aura started to branch out all the way to my face. This intensified and now all lights branch out and are more intense than they should be. i cant tell whether the things and people around me are real. I feel like killing myself sometimes to get it over with but i guess hope keep me going. Perception of time is gone. Depth of field is gone. Memory is gone. Self worth is gone. Motivation is gone. Appetite is gone. I get weird feeling in my brain sometimes. My hands will go numb randomly. Im on a anxiety medicine called escitalipram and ive been taking it for almost a month but ive been having a spike it depersonalized feelings and also weird vivid dreams. Latley my thoughts have been everywhere and idk if im going schizo cause sometimes i think in third person? Im really scared. I didnt intend to do this ti myself and all i want to do in the world is help other people and my dream is gone. I just want someone to go over this and maybe give advice or hand it off to someone else that can. Please and thank you.