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Maladaptive to life

depression anxiety question fear

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#1 leo134



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Posted 27 November 2015 - 05:00 PM

Hello everyone, 


My name is Leonard, i'm 16 years old and i'm french canadian so sorry if i'm making mistakes. 
I've had depersonnalisation after a panick attack on weed last year in march and it lasted about 4 months but it has gone away in the summer. Yes, it was a rough period but i've been throught it and I had more hope and I was more innocence. I can't remember how exactly I was feeling but I had the most common symptom has feeling in a dream, the light were too strong, my brain was just full of toughts and it was just too much for mee to handle so sometime i was just feeling like something I did 1 hour ago was very far in my mind, like it happened years ago. Anyway.


When school started in september, I had another panick attack with a strong feeling of dissociation and a increase of my heart beat. It scared me a lot cause I started questionning myself if this wasn't associated with another mental trouble and of course like many of us, it falls on schyzophrenia. So after that, I had obsessive tought about this but I was telling myself this wasn't true. Thinking about it or seeing the word scared me a lot now, less but a little bit. I had strong panick attack when i read about the symptoms. One day, I heard a sound that scares me when I was already anxious so I started being obsessive with hearing the sound around me to see if there wasn't something anormal. So, I've stopped doing this. I am still thinking about it sometime like this have to happen to me even if I don't have any psychotic symptoms.


All of this brought back the Depersonnalisation feeling sometime and a lot of questions to my head. These days have been tough. I have a lot of alternation about how i'm feeling but i'm kind of lost with myself, my future and my friend also. It's like I realized how absurd all of this was and I am more far of my friend because i don't feel the same connection between them and me. I still have the toughts you can have in dp like all of this seems less familiar to you or who the fuck I'm I for real like i can't recognize myself. If I had to put images it will be like it's dark in front, it's dark in my head and it's dark behind. I also hate myself a lot because i always dramatize everything, I have everything I need but i can't feel well and I can't fit in a particular state like a real depression. I tought about suicide like a vagueness possibility but I know it is not the solution. 


I imagine that some of you can say that they feel sometime like they are maladaptive about life and that they will never feel in this life. Like it's just too much for you. Like they can't stand themselves. Like they must be crazy or just overthinkers that always evalutate themselves. Like it's always a whorehouse in their head. 


I can't understand what exactly is going on. I write it here because I know you've been throught what've been throught but I don't want no diagnostic. 



I also made a blog when I was in dp. It's in french but've made images to express how I was feeling so you can see this. Thanks for reading me. 


Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: depression, anxiety, question, fear

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