Hi everyone ! I am 17 years old boy, I live in Czech republic and I study at grammar school. I play football and do some exercises (but not as regularly as i would want). When i was little (about 10-14) i thought that i am ugly and i was so sad about it and had depression. (dont know if it related to my disorder). I dont exactly know, when my derealization disorder started, but i can describe you how and why it probably happened to me. When i was 15 and i finished my primary school (holidays started) and i decided to try weed. My friends smoked it and i was only one who didnt and it was beggining of holidays, so one evening i decided to try it with them. First time i smoked it, i got high - very high - i felt like i am in 3D and i think i was detached from reality too, but at the moment i wasnt realizing it and i was enjoying it. It was exciting experience and as holidays was continuing i smoked weed more often and often. When i look back now, i realize a lot of things. Marijuana probably caused, that i wanted to be like my friend, who was at that time very "cool guy" and girls loved him, everyone loved him and he often made fun of me, but i think he didnt want to hurt me and he just thought that it is fun, but sometimes i want to revenge and was angry, but he was and still he is my good friend, i was just very sensitive and worried about things more than my friends, whose taked it easy - I just started to behave like him, but i didnt realize it at that time (now i know, that truly happiness cames from being yourself - you cant be anyone else). Friends and girls maybye liked me more for a short time, but after some time i realized, that i felt horibble and it is wrong way. I went to parties a lot, drank a lot, but wasnt happy (i dont clearly rebember exact feelings). After about one year of smoking weed i realized, that when i am not high,, although i feel like i am living behind the fog or something like that and my moods changed quite often (desperation for example). I tried to quit weed, but mostly i smoked again. One day i found "derealization disorder" on the internet. I was sure, that it is what i was suffering/ I am suffering. But with smoking i definitely ended before holidays this years - so it is mayby half year but not more. Now i know what happend to me and i often want to back in time and never smoke it, but what happened we cant change, so i want to deal with it. I think weed doesnt get me only bad experiences, i think i have different view on the world and peoples, but this disorder is bad thing. I tried to make a plan and dont pay attention to it many times, but everytime i failed. I am sad, because i quit with partying and i dont go out often and because of it my friend say me , that i changed and i am different, but i cant drink or smoke again - it would be worse. Next what i want to say is, that i feel like my childhood and time before smoking is soooo far and it maybe never happened, but i know it is bullshit - i just feel it like it.
I want to mention, in primary school i was valedictorian and in grammar school now i still have good results. I am christian, but not as deep as my parents but i believe in God however i still finding "the right spiritual way for me".
My symptoms now it is like when i am outside i feel very detached from reality and like i am in dream (etc.etc. you know it), but at home it is quite better. Sometimes in class i feel like my friends dont want to talk with me and i am so separated, but i had weeks, when i started exersice and eat well, so it was better, but everytime i got to the point, when depression attacked me and i missed exercise, ate some junk food and felt like i failed and stopped with exercises and eating well because of this stupid thoughts in my head- i feel like everything must be perfect or not worth it to began (i dont know if someone understand me with this feeling, it is quite strange and it maybe realates more with my personality of perfectionist than with my derealization)Now i want to feel comfortable and "awake" again and i am glad to be in this community where people understand to my feelings.
Have a good day ! Thanks for replies and sorry for my bad English and for sense and continuity of the text - it is very difficult to write about 5 years of my life.