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overly aware of my existence and consciousness

68K views 43 replies 30 participants last post by  minezm16 
#1 ·
Since January I have been overly aware of my existence/consciousness. It's like one day I realized I am a living being, existing in this body of mines. I can not take my mind off of myself, as in my own existence. It's not just thoughts either, I actually feel panic with it and feel as if my mind and body are separated. It feels like I am too awake! it's like I am conscious of my consciousness. I often feel stuck or literally trapped in my body. I will feel as if I am just this horizontal skin, bones and muscle thing and feel entrapped in my body. it's like I want to get away or break free from myself but it's impossible and I know it sounds silly. my body seems irrelevant. it's like I am afraid of my own being. with this I did get the existential thoughts and fear of death but that has since went away but this has lingered on. it's hard because its like I can't get away from thinking of my own self and noticing my own self... I notice every action I take and everything I do. it's like I didn't notice myself existing or living like "normal" people do but now I do and it's at the forefront of my every breath. I don't know how to get over this because I mean its my own existence, being in this body, that I am overly aware of/fixated on 24/7. these aren't just rummaging thoughts, with it comes the mental perception and disconnect so not just thoughts. The fact that I am in my body and notice it scares me. It's like I didn't ever notice this before or think about it and now that I have it scares me.
 
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#2 ·
"It's like I conscious of my own consciousness." very well said. I never knew how to phrase that and this describes it perfectly to me. I feel the exact same way, like I am CONSTANTLY aware of my thoughts and incentives. And for me I'm very insecure and self harming, so I am also in constant conflict with the thoughts I'm having and whether or not I should do what I want to do or say what I want to say. I think about how someone will perceive what I am saying, regardless of how I'd perceive it. In reality, your opinion matters the least because it's the you against the world then. What satisfaction do you get from pleasing yourself when it isn't praised by others you know? What is knowledge with no one to share it with? What is love with no one to smother with it? Nothing, it's unsatisfactory. It's a human need to feel connected to other humans, and I believe you have to meet that need first before you can meet any other needs. I'm getting off topic, anyway I understand the feeling trapped in my body thing, like sometimes I'll start applying lots of pressure all over my body and like banging my head and silently screaming, sometimes I'll cry, because I feel like I just can't escape I can't get out. It's like being restricted all.the.fucking.time. And I hate that. I also in my head imagine things so vividly that I (uncontrollebly) watch myself doing whatever I'm doing. LIke I see my actions from above myself and slightly forward, like a camera and it's weird. (maybe my mind is trying to percieve me from the outside so I understand how other people see mejust a theory i have) I'm so aware of my thoughts and actions that it makes me slow in reality because I'm so focused oon myself and controlling myself and acting normal that I can't pay attention to words. It makes me unable to joke around and be happy because I take everything literally. And one thing you'll get from me (mostly) is pure honesty because I can't stop myself from saying exactly what is on my mind. I go through times where I try to lie as much as possible so I won't be completely vulnerable, but it doesn't last long. IM OFF TRACK AGAIN, so ill stop, just know I'm in the same boat as you but sadly have no advice to end it :(
 
#5 ·
I haven't never felt the desire to go out of my body, though when I am deep in my thoughts I might instantaniously afterwords realize that I have a body, which in dp I consider less of my own, and get anoyed. When I feel trapped, I usually feel being in in escapable reality, the body isn't the problem.

I advise you to concentrate in something else to not have so many existential thoughts.
 
#7 · (Edited by Moderator)
I am familiar with this feeling as well. I feel very trapped in my thoughts yet can't seem to focus on anything other than those thoughts. Like I'm trying to stop thinking about thinking...which gets exhausting. Especially as I am a student. Reading over notes and such and feeling like it's not being absorbed as my mind is elsewhere. It's especially upsetting and frustrating because I am applying to medical school. It feels like I am being defeated...It's not that i am unable to pay attention or grasp concepts..its more that my mind is so preoccupied with worry and anxiety about this DP. Just to stop thinking about myself and my body is a task itself.
 
#17 ·
Katiej. Yes to all of that. It is so common in people with dp. There is a Facebook group called depersonalization that I think can help you. ..just so you can see how many people think those exact same thoughts you have. You are not alone. Some can't even tell if they are alive or dead. I am so sorry it's hitting you hard. What are some things you have been doing to help
 
#19 ·
This is exactly how I have felt daily for the past 3 months, and I honestly think that this is the very core of ALL of my problems. Does anyone else feel this extreme panic and feeling of being trapped when they think about how they've "discovered something" now, and that life may never be the same? I can't relax now because there is always that weird reminder that I felt conscious of my own consciousness, and that is all life is. It's really hard to explain.
 
#21 ·
I have also these feeling too and it's the most disturbing symptom in my DP. At the beginning I was so conscient of all my thoughts, physical and mental processes that I had terrible headhaches. I have found that having conversations, reading a lot and always occupy your mind with mental tasks (like writing articles...) helps a lot and for a few moment I can be unactive without observing my thoughts.
 
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#22 ·
Here's a suggestion.. Write down what what you're thinking when you're in the depths of ruminating. It's true that writing things down will get them out of your head. It's also true that vocalising gets things out of your head as well...

When I was constantly ruminating over everything I could imagine, I started writing my thoughts down. I remember it was hard going cuz I could barely write as quickly as I thinking, but I just let it flow out onto paper.. The next day or the day after that, I'd re-read what I'd written and see it for what it was. I asked a LOT of questions that could never answered.. Over time I was able to stop the 'impossible' scenarios I was creating before they got too distressing.. I maintain that to this day, 20 years on..
 
#23 · (Edited by Moderator)
What you're describing is meta -cognition, "thinking about your thinking".

Sometimes this can be helpful, but what you're describing is a negative form of meta-cognition, which only serves to undermine your ability to feel better.

You have to practice letting your thoughts flow freely no matter how odd they may sometimes be.

As Zed says writing your thoughts down can be helpful, but ruminating on why you are thinking certain things is only going to add to your anxiety and thus intensify your symptoms.

If you can acknowledge when you are "thinking about your thinking" this can be helpful.

Learn to recognise when you are in a meta-cognitive state, or what triggers these thought processes (e.g boredom, having nothing to do, being home alone)

It can help to tell yourself to 'stop' and say it to yourself (out loud, if necessary) and then think of something constructive to do.

What you're then doing is checking a behaviour which serves no purpose other than to make you feel worse.
 
#24 ·
This is exactly how I have felt daily for the past 3 months, and I honestly think that this is the very core of ALL of my problems. Does anyone else feel this extreme panic and feeling of being trapped when they think about how they've "discovered something" now, and that life may never be the same? I can't relax now because there is always that weird reminder that I felt conscious of my own consciousness, and that is all life is. It's really hard to explain.
same same same!! Now I know something and I can't unknow it, I can't UNfeel this feeling of hyperawareness , existence it too much, too uncomfortable and weird I just can't comprehend existence it's too overwhelming.
 
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