Why do I feel "stuck" in first person view? - Discussion - Depersonalization Community

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Why do I feel "stuck" in first person view?


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#1 Glassjawx

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Posted 10 December 2013 - 02:28 PM

After my 2-week long experience with depersonalization/anxiety-fueled near-psychosis (I don't what to call it, but it was fucking horrible) - I feel different. The anxiety subsided and is now minimal. I take .5mg Xanax as needed, and it definitely helps.

 

However, I still have this weird feeling that I'm stuck inside myself - I feel disconnected from my surroundings, and to really try and focus on one thing makes me anxious. I can never fully relax. It's like I don't feel comfortable seeing through my own two eyes...sometimes, I'll look at my hands and it's the strangest thing. I question who I am, what I am - I get this weird sensation that I'm living in a first-person shooter or something. Of course, this makes me anxious. It's hard to explain - it's like my eyes are just cameras. I don't feel my surroundings like a human being should. I'm wondering what could cause this - Depression? Anxiety? The complete death of ego that I endured? Maybe depersonalization is still affecting me, in a more subtle way?

s

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist soon and will likely be prescribed Lexapro or another SSRI. I'm scared to take it. I've heard varying things about SSRI's on this site. Who can share their experiences with Lexapro or any other SSRI's? Could it worsen my condition? What are the possibilities?  



#2 Glassjawx

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Posted 10 December 2013 - 11:49 PM

I guess some relevant questions to follow up that post would be - 

 

Is it possible to have depersonalization with minimal anxiety?

 

Is it possible to feel things like happiness, sadness, excitement, boredom and so on and still experience symptoms of depersonalization?

 

What are the different levels of depersonalization? What are it's complexities and subtleties? 

 

Hoping for a response tonight...thanks for taking the time to read.



#3 Magrathea

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Posted 11 December 2013 - 03:09 AM

I get this weird sensation that I'm living in a first-person shooter or something. Of course, this makes me anxious. It's hard to explain - it's like my eyes are just cameras. I don't feel my surroundings like a human being should.

 

That sounds exactly like dp / dr to me and almost exactly how i would describe the condition; a complete and total absense of atmosphere in experience that makes everything either feel like a dream or like your experience is taking place in a cardboard stage set. A mind that is not depersonalised gets a continuous, subtle emotional feedback from everything it sees, even when nothing of consequence is taking place; you look at curtains and the mind recieves a 'curtainy' sensation made up a complex web of emotional asociations. This web of asociations is what makes your experience feel real and without it everything just feels like images on a screen inside your head. Being dped is VERY disconcerting and I seriously doubt that someone who has not experienced dp could imagine what this is like or even identify the component in ther own experience that is missing from a dped person's experience. However, it is also perfectly normal and you can recover. Yes, it is possible to have dp with minimal conscious anxiety. When i had dp, I never felt happy or lonely. I didn't miss the company of others because i didn't enjoy the company of others in the same general way i did when i wasn't dped. People became very hard work.



#4 Spadde

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Posted 11 December 2013 - 11:11 AM

When I first took SSRI I felt like shit the first 2-3 days, thats when it started to kick in(its supposed to feel like shit apperently), after that I started getting a bit better.

I think I couldve done it without SSRI but theres no way to know now.

 

Everyone has different results



#5 Jason79

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Posted 11 December 2013 - 11:18 AM

I feel Exactly, 100% like you. Been thinking about it all day and then saw your post. wondering why I feel stuck in the perspective that one could ever have. It's only one we have ever known (seeing through one's own yes) but now I feel like I'm missing 1-2 perspectives. Can't get out. Horrible, horrible feeling.

Don't understand it.



#6 Glassjawx

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Posted 13 December 2013 - 04:32 PM

Jason, you described it well. I'm surprised I actually found someone who relates to this feeling. It's hard to describe.

 

I've lived my entire life through my own two eyes - from this perspective - I've experienced every moment this way. Everyone who has ever lived, is alive, and ever will live, will live their lives through their own two eyes. Why does it now seem so strange, and so limited, to live from this perspective? It's the only perspective I've ever known. Why am I uncomfortable with it? I've reasoned that it's an inner problem - disassociation? Severe depression? PTSD, from the first (pot-induced) experience with depersonalization? What could cause this trapped feeling? 

 

This is why I question if I'm still depersonalized. My prior experiences with dp have been so extreme, so terrifying and awful that I couldn't even function. I couldn't sleep or eat, the world around me was just fucking unreal. The concept of emotion, the concept of ANYTHING made no sense. I just wanted out...and I got out. But not entirely, it feels like. I can function now. I can joke around, I can feel excitement. I can hold a conversation. I can play video games and watch TV. Basically, I can handle reality. Still, I don't feel like myself...it feels like dp took a huge piece of me. My spirit is crushed. I contemplate suicide. Often.

 

This "stuck" feeling really is shit. Trapped inside my own eyes. What the fuck is that? Will it go away? It seems to be my only problem now - the only thing holding me back from feeling 100% again. 



#7 Hannah12

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Posted 13 December 2013 - 04:41 PM

YES! Ahah sorry :) I feel exactly the same way!

#8 Glassjawx

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Posted 13 December 2013 - 09:35 PM

I just spent nearly an hour trying to tie a noose with a jump-rope but I'm too fucking stupid to figure it out. It's thin rope and it won't lay flat on any surface.

 

I suppose if I really wanted to die, my inability to tie a noose wouldn't stop me. I don't want to die. I want to be a part of this world. I want myself back. I feel so ruined. Sometimes I feel like I've already died...just kill the body...let the flesh die as well.

 

I'm not sure if I'm depersonalized to any degree anymore. But I'm certainly not okay. Suppressing my anxiety with meds everyday. Thinking of death. And this strange feeling of being trapped in one perspective has not faded like I thought it would. I'm fucking traumatized.

 

I am broken. Stolen. Murdered. Trapped. Will I ever breathe easy? How can I get my "sight" back? 



#9 Glassjawx

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Posted 14 December 2013 - 07:03 PM

Any educated response as to what these feelings could be attributed to? I'm starting to think I'm just masking depersonalization and anxiety with Xanax. 



#10 Glassjawx

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Posted 14 December 2013 - 09:16 PM

I was considering starting an entirely new topic on Xanax, but the information in my initial post here about it seems like enough to carry on with...so I'm prescribed .5mg, recommended (loosely, by a nurse practitioner who I spoke with for less than 5 minutes) 3 times a day. 

 

I don't stick to a schedule with it...I take it as needed. Pretty much as soon as I start to feel like I can't catch my breath or calm down, I down one. The strange thing is, I'm not sure if it actually helps or if it's a placebo effect. It's almost as if taking the pill is the physical equivalent of telling myself that everything will be okay. "You've taken the Xanax, you're fine now."

 

If they were just sugar pills, and I thought they were Xanax, I think I'd feel the exact same. So, should I just quit? The only reason I don't , is (as stated in my last post) that I fear I'm just masking depersonalization with it. I fear that if I stop entirely, all at once, I'll suddenly fall into hell again. And I think I'm now realizing that that's bullshit. 

 

What should I do? Stop all at once? I've only been taking it for a couple weeks. Is that long enough to develop a dependence to where I'll feel withdrawal? Again, I don't take it more than twice a day usually. Each day is different, and .5mg I understand is a relatively small dose.

 

I'd appreciate a response from anyone who has any kind of experience with Xanax, and also a response/attempted explanation for my earlier posts would be appreciated.



#11 CharlieFreak

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Posted 14 December 2013 - 11:30 PM

You have emotional problems that can be resolved and need to be resolved. Drugs will help you feel slightly better but they will never get rid of problems in your life. For example (which is not related to DP), if you are upset because you hate a certain food you can block your nose and eat it and it will be easier to deal with, but it won't change the fact that you hate that food. Taking medication is like that, it just makes it easier to deal with. You gotta figure out why you got DP in the first place. It takes a lot of work, but the anxiety and the strange "point of view feeling" will subside once you figure out your emotional issues. You are probably really hurt man. Be honest with yourself! Cry about what makes you sad in your life. Do what you can to connect with your emotions.. but take it slow. It can be a lot to handle at first. I hope the best for you :)

#12 CharlieFreak

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Posted 14 December 2013 - 11:31 PM

And look through some of the blogs here. People have some great insight about this stuff. In the past couple of months It has completely changed how I view this condition and how I feel.




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