i should go out and carve a life for myself
Posted 10 August 2004 - 06:13 PM
but do you know what hes correct thats exactly what i should be doing,but it scares the shit out of me.....has anyone here been thrown out on there arse before onto the street and had to fend for themselves even while suffering immense dp ?
i dont know what it is but im scared of being in my own skin while im recovering it feels as though i need that constant security with me...this has to be what a nervous breakdown feels like
Posted 10 August 2004 - 06:31 PM
When I applied for college I was anxiety DR/DP free. Its the college of my dreams and the bachelor degree of my dreams. I was so so so excited for my future. Anxiety hit me like a brick wall. I couldn't get past it, I couldn't push it, I couldn't figure out how to climb it.
I remember a week before classes started I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to go anymore... I was set in that. I didn't leave the house, there was no way I could attend class for goodness sakes! My mom and I were talking and she was crying because she was heartbroken that I wasn't following my dreams anymore. She said the most beautiful words. She said, "It's a shame you're not fighting harder, look how special you are, look at this life you've been given, look at all the oppurtunities youre passing up, look at everything you've made for yourself so you could get to this point. And you're giving up. You're going to sit in your bedroom and feel sorry for yourself."
I'll tell you something. That night I went outside. I went for a walk. I hated every step of it because I was still trapped inside of my head. The next day I went to Target, did some shopping, almost had to leave because I was freaking out the entire time, that night I had a friend over to watch a movie, the next day, I did more, the next day I did even more, the next day I got in my car and drove to get fast food, I PUSHED myself SO hard to get out of my bedroom and go outside and do something. I'm not saying I enjoyed going out and doing something but a 1,000 mile journey takes every single step to get there. And I'll tell you something else. The day class started I was there. I was front row center and I was ready to do what I had been dying to do for my whole life - go to college and eventually become a professional photographer.
I am so aware of how crippling this disorder is. It takes the life out of you. But remember this next time youre sitting home and feeling awful, there is no magical pill, there is no overnight recovery, this is no special word you can say to heal yourself, there is only your will power and the determination you STILL have inside of you.
Right now it's been a month of school. I feel worlds better about myself. I'm not healed by any means but I'm taking all of the right steps to recover. I love school. I'm getting A's and B's on the work I turn in. I have days where I feel completely normal, there is always the day during the course of the week where I cry and hate the way I feel/felt. But I'll tell you what, I would much rather have 2-3 days out of the week of feeling better than sitting at home for all 7 and crying about my problems.
It's never too late
So try to create faith
because the last thing that breaks is your faith
Like I said, even if it scares you, even if you hate it, even if you feel like you're never going to feel better again, GO OUT AND TRY. You're not getting anywhere if you don't try.
Posted 10 August 2004 - 06:46 PM
yeh its a strange one for me because im 33 and supposedly an adult,i actually went from being a child to being a man quite easily but somewhere along the line my nerve went and turned me into this person,this very awkward person that wants to be left alone but at the same time wants the reasurance that someone is there...
ive basically created quite a lonely life by pushing friends away as i felt this was the best way for me to deal with this plus my friends have all settled down so its not easy for me to pop around a friends house when im having a rough time...i just need to build up the security inside of me that i once had
all the best
Posted 11 August 2004 - 03:25 AM
I sent a post to Lewis, a long-time DR/DP sufferer, with much the same 'advice'. In simple terms, while you are still sane - get the fuck out there and FIGHT. LIVE, or at least PRETEND ! If your legs fell off and you had to crawl over hot coals to get them back, you would, wouldn't you ? What is the alternative ? I tell you, there is none. None at all. It's not a matter of will at all, it's a matter of having no choice. It's a stark fact, but it's the truth. Live as best you can or suffer an eternity of misery. Ask yourself, what do you want to do? Even if you drag yourself out of your house trembling with fear and in a world of panic to do something, I promise you, if you continue to do that, time and time and time again, you will beat this bastard.
JC - to be blunt. I know you are trying, I know, pushing your boundaries, don't get me wrong, but does continually reporting your symptoms explain them ? No. It doesn't.
At the moment, I'm sitting at working literally trembling with anxiety and I'm so fucking depressed if someone gave me a pill that would give me an instant and painless death, then 99% of me would be tempted to take it. I am so goddam depressed that everything I look at is tainted with black. I'm sweating, light-headed, feeling sick, full of dread and a total lack of motivation...seemingly no future, no life.....but fuck it, I'm still here. WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE ?
Posted 11 August 2004 - 07:55 AM
i have willpower like a fuckin ox but this bastard is still crazy as hell
Posted 11 August 2004 - 08:01 AM
I'm not saying you haven't any willpower...not at all. You know I don't think that. But for me, anxiety and DR/DP were the same thing...they were interchangable. If I beat the anxiety, then I beat the DR/DP. I know it's not the same for other people.
Posted 11 August 2004 - 08:07 AM
Posted 11 August 2004 - 08:14 AM
I can't explain how I feel except 'fucked up'. To me, that explains it perfectly. I sit here writing this and I haven't a clue how I can still function and still feel like this.
Ah, bollocks to it. I'm sick and tired of being anxious.
Posted 11 August 2004 - 08:21 AM
the only way i got myself out of this mess last time was to basically spend 2 years smashed out of my brain on booze/parties/clubs etc,shrinks were useless,id learnt all the stopping anxiety and panic routines,in the end i took on a job driving and this got me out of myself to the point dp drifted away...
but this time christ knows, i figure its going to be pretty much the same,its going to be me whingeing and whinning on a website for 4 years then bam something will come along to change it all,fate usually lends me a hand in the end...but i feel possitive that im going to come out of this the other end a much better person...who knows until then i will just post my thoughts clear out my head and onwards and upwards
Posted 12 August 2004 - 02:08 PM
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users