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#1 Becky Lechner

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 10:07 AM

Hi, my name is Becky. I am 46 years old now. When I was 21, I had some sort of physical & nervous breakdown, where I not only started having severe panic attacks, but as I was lying on the couch trying to watch TV, suddenly "something" very strange happened to my vision & my perception. To tell you the truth, it flipped me out even more. I felt like I wasn't real, & there was this disconnection between my vision & my body. I don't even know how to explain what happened that day. I just felt like I wasn't "there" anymore, & that when I touched something with my hand, I KNEW I was touching it, but it was like I was in a damn movie, & not really feeling the connection anymore. I was living at home at the time, thank God, & my poor Mom took me all over the place to specialists to try to find out what was wrong. I tried to explain it to her & to other people, like doctors, but they just think you're kinda crazy. Because it just doesn't make sense at all. The 1st year was pure Hell. I actually was seeing a pyschologist at the time that this happened, & I explained what I was feeling to him. He said he believed it was depersonalization, due to extereme stress. BUT, he also said it was a way of your body protecting yourself, & that it would eventually go away. Well, now it's been 25 years, & it has never gone away. After the 1st year, I just accepted that I would feel this disconnected feeling for the rest of my life. I have only come across one young man in my life, who also suffered from this. When he confided in me what he was feeling, he thought at first that I was actually not taking him seriously. But, as I talked to him, & said to him, "Are you feeling like this??" and "is this what you feel like in your head?", he realized that I DID understand. I've just adapted to this all of these years, & it really sucks to feel so outta your body. But, some days it is worse than others, & almost unbearable. I do have anxiety disorder, & have had panic attacks since I was very young, so I DO think that there is a connection between the two. I've tried to explain it to some of the closest people in my life, & how do you explain this?? I tell them that I can see myself touching something with my hand... I can see that I'm touching it, but there just is not a connection to it. It's just like you are watching a movie, & not here. I DO NOT want to discourage anyone who is dealing with this, thinking that it'll never go away. Because I was told it WAS supposed to eventually go away. I came onto here, because I do believe that this is pretty rare, & wanted to see if there was any new developments in dealing with, or overcoming this. We are all different, & I truly do hope that any of you having to go through this unexplainable mess, can get help & overome this. My Dad recently died unexpectedly, & it has gotten worse, yet I have been left to take care of my Mom, because they were together for almost 50 years. And some days, I feel so messed up in my head, that I don't know how I can help her. This is just so very weird, & no one can understand, unless they've experiened it themselves. I wish the best for everyone on here... just needed to talk to people who truly "get it".

#2 wellsiee


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Posted 21 October 2012 - 10:22 PM

Sorry to hear about your father passing away, such a shame. I find when times get tough, and I'm super stressed out I feel like my DP gets worse.
Welcome to the site, I know how wonderful it is knowing that there are other people that know exactly what I'm going through as well. You mentioned how hard it is explaining to someone how you're feeling, and it's true, how do you explain something like that? I have found it hard explaining it to anyone, so for as long as I could remember I kept it hidden to my friends and family (except for my boyfriend and dad). Just up until July my mother was completely in the dark, so I wrote a letter to her, explaining what it is I have, and how it affects my life. To the outside world I've been seen as this lazy kid that never tried hard to do anything with her life, when in reality that wasn't it at all. Life has been a huge struggle for me. Truthfully I admire you, I've had my DP for 8 years and I think everyday, how will I last the rest of my life with this? It sucks knowing that you've had this for 25 years, but its comforting to me knowing that you've made it (with bumps along the way of course).

Best of luck, and keep on truckin'

#3 Becky Lechner

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 05:37 AM

Thanks for the response to my post... I'm so sorry that you've had it for that long. Like I said, everyone is different & just because mine has never gone away, doesn't mean that yours won't someday. What really helped me to deal with having it was acceptance, that this was just some weird thing that I just had to live with. The only days that it REALLY gets to me, is when it's particularly BAD. It's been so long, that on "normal" days, I just don't even think about it. Do you have anxiety on top of DP too?? Was just wondering that, because I know when my anxiety is REALLY bad, the DP gets even worse too. I always have had panic attacks since I was very young, but it just seemed kinda funny that when this hit me, that first day, the panic attacks were severe. Yeah-- life's always been a bitch for me too. Always been very frightened & sensitive. I'm so sorry that people have called you lazy... that's really unfair. Thank God that when this 1st hit me, I worked for my Dad, because I literally couldn't function for the 1st two weeks, except to have my Mom take me to all kinds of doctors. I worked for my Dad for almost 25 years, until we closed the business down about 8 years ago. My panic attacks had gotten so out of control that I couldn't work anymore & I had developed agoraphobia too. Had to go on permanent disability since then. So I totally understand what it feels like to "look" like nothing is wrong, yet be called lazy & that you don't want to work. You take care of yourself.

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