Posted 21 October 2012 - 10:07 AM
Hi, my name is Becky. I am 46 years old now. When I was 21, I had some sort of physical & nervous breakdown, where I not only started having severe panic attacks, but as I was lying on the couch trying to watch TV, suddenly "something" very strange happened to my vision & my perception. To tell you the truth, it flipped me out even more. I felt like I wasn't real, & there was this disconnection between my vision & my body. I don't even know how to explain what happened that day. I just felt like I wasn't "there" anymore, & that when I touched something with my hand, I KNEW I was touching it, but it was like I was in a damn movie, & not really feeling the connection anymore. I was living at home at the time, thank God, & my poor Mom took me all over the place to specialists to try to find out what was wrong. I tried to explain it to her & to other people, like doctors, but they just think you're kinda crazy. Because it just doesn't make sense at all. The 1st year was pure Hell. I actually was seeing a pyschologist at the time that this happened, & I explained what I was feeling to him. He said he believed it was depersonalization, due to extereme stress. BUT, he also said it was a way of your body protecting yourself, & that it would eventually go away. Well, now it's been 25 years, & it has never gone away. After the 1st year, I just accepted that I would feel this disconnected feeling for the rest of my life. I have only come across one young man in my life, who also suffered from this. When he confided in me what he was feeling, he thought at first that I was actually not taking him seriously. But, as I talked to him, & said to him, "Are you feeling like this??" and "is this what you feel like in your head?", he realized that I DID understand. I've just adapted to this all of these years, & it really sucks to feel so outta your body. But, some days it is worse than others, & almost unbearable. I do have anxiety disorder, & have had panic attacks since I was very young, so I DO think that there is a connection between the two. I've tried to explain it to some of the closest people in my life, & how do you explain this?? I tell them that I can see myself touching something with my hand... I can see that I'm touching it, but there just is not a connection to it. It's just like you are watching a movie, & not here. I DO NOT want to discourage anyone who is dealing with this, thinking that it'll never go away. Because I was told it WAS supposed to eventually go away. I came onto here, because I do believe that this is pretty rare, & wanted to see if there was any new developments in dealing with, or overcoming this. We are all different, & I truly do hope that any of you having to go through this unexplainable mess, can get help & overome this. My Dad recently died unexpectedly, & it has gotten worse, yet I have been left to take care of my Mom, because they were together for almost 50 years. And some days, I feel so messed up in my head, that I don't know how I can help her. This is just so very weird, & no one can understand, unless they've experiened it themselves. I wish the best for everyone on here... just needed to talk to people who truly "get it".