What is DP/DR like for you?
Posted 08 September 2004 - 06:00 PM
Posted 10 September 2004 - 02:43 PM
I feel that all my emotions and fun in life have been vacuumed out of me, soules, not being able to think of anything that could change the way i feel inside - wanting to rip my head off................ or be a non sufferer as i was b4 this year.
Posted 11 September 2004 - 04:52 PM
-a feeling of being completely suspended in space, and utterly alone (I've sometimes wondered if this is similar to the experience of being in the womb!)
-existentialist thoughts, along the lines of wondering how I could be sure that other people existed, feeling like the only person in the universe, obsessing over the nature of time
-terror as a result of the above
-anxiety attacks and feeling paralysed (literally not being able to speak)
-feeling disconnected from my body, as if I was standing outside myself (always to the right-hand side)
-feeling as if my voice was coming from someone else
-observing my thoughts
-objects looking different, the countryside looking like a toy landscape, people appearing 2D
-not feeling like my 'old' self, feeling like a ghost, as if I'd died
-emotions feeling flat, worrying about being potentially psychotic and unable to really feel anything for other people
-feeling like an automaton
-feeling detached from people, the world, myself
-'waking dream' type images, often at night before sleep, but often in daytime, too
-constant uncontrollable flashbacks of trivial events in my life, minor events from childhood that I'd totally forgotten
-as regards the flashbacks, they made me feel that I was nothing, just a jar of memories that had been shaken up (and I'm not sure what I put it down to, either, the fact that I'd been suicidal or the fact that I'd really been straining my brain, trying to get past certain thoughts)
There is other stuff, but I've a tendency to see that as triggered by dp/dr, as opposed to being actually symptomatic of it (I'm talking about depression here, extremely poor concentration, huge anger at myself, etc., and I guess I would also see the anxiety attacks I mentioned above as triggered by dp/dr).
When having been some where or done something, then later it feels unreal I did that or was at a particular place.
Processing past events is almost impossible. I can bring things back, but I feel I wasnt in those events, that it was not me.
I've been noticing this a bit lately in my own life, which is why this post jumped out at me. I seem to be able to deal with it, though, and it doesn't terrify me as the original dp/dr did. I kind of look at it in the detached way that the dp/dr used make me view myself. I put it down in my own case to mood swings and tiredness. I can feel like a different person at different times, so I've explained it away as this for myself. In the real throes of dp/dr, it used be much more severe and how I'd feel would vary from one hour to the other, although - ironically - it bothered me less then. I don't mean to trivialise what you're feeling. I'm just connecting a little to what you're saying.
can experience every thing I think or say, simultaneously or at some later time, as suspect, including these very words
I get this, too. I still have a complete lack of confidence in myself and sometimes feel that I don't even know what I really think. I have my own theories as to where the above comes from for me, but don't want to clog the thread any more than I'm already doing!
A constant feeling of strangeness, like things are just not right for some reason and i don't know why.
Analyzing things & constantly wondering or worrying about things, on occasion these things are existential.
Heightened sensativity- Hypervigalance
I can relate to the above, too, especially the first one, and I still definitely over-analyse.
Visual Disturbances/ Very sensative vision, i get floaters, sparks, once in a while trailers, sometimes things seem to shimmer, my eyes are more sensative to bright sunlight or bright lights in general
I also get this now (although not at the time of the dp/dr) but actually checked it out medically and it was suggested to me that it was migraine, which rings true for me. I get 'traditional' migraine with its headache and accompanying nausea (plus there's a history of it in the family), but the 'heat haze' visual distortions freaked me out so much that I went to the doctor about them. I'd also seen a 'jagged C' impression, as if I'd been looking into a bright light (but I hadn't been). The doctor at the eye clinic said that you don't necessarily have to get the accompanying headache to suffer a migraine attack. He also suggested that visual distortions can be due to the jelly-like substance in the eye moving around. I do notice that my vision can be sensitive, especially if I feel that a migraine is hovering around the corner (doesn't always turn up full force). I just thought I'd suggest it, in case it helped anyone else. Maybe one feeds the other. Who knows? I also sometimes smell things that aren't there, and I think I've also come across this mentioned as another symptom of migraine.
It was really weird for me when I discovered this site in its old form, although I only registered then and never posted. When I had the feeling of being outside my body, I looked it up in a psychiatric text and came across the name 'depersonalisation disorder'. For me, then, it was enough that it had a name, that other people had experienced it, and I didn't look any further. That was ten years ago. When I first visited this site, I was amazed that the existentialist feelings were also considered part of dp/dr. They'd formed what I'd call my first real bout with it, whereas the 'out of body' experience was the second real bout. Just writing this post and reading other people's, I can see that lots of symptoms are tangled up in each other. I can also see that I may still have milder symptoms of dp/dr, although - perhaps oddly - I don't fear them in the same way and usually look to see what's causing them as an indication of what's going wrong in my life. I can relate to SoulBrotha's feeling of strangeness and something not being right, and I got the 'suspended in space' feeling again recently, the one that had terrified me a dozen years ago, but I was able to cope with it and it vanished very quickly.
I should really wind this up now. Sorry for the long post.
Posted 11 September 2004 - 08:45 PM
Posted 12 September 2004 - 04:17 AM
Posted 12 September 2004 - 10:07 AM
*excessive thoughts about my thoughts...feelings...vision...existance...breathing...death...being...anxiety...
*numbness all over....mainly in hands...arms...legs...
*feeling weighted down...very heavy...
*being in two parts...1.observing...2.doing...not connected...
those are the main ones...
i do not want to say anything else as i start to panic about what i have put :?
Posted 12 September 2004 - 01:22 PM
but I can relate to that feeling of being stranded in space, and I looked at Dreamers website, and the picture on there just sums that up for me so well
Posted 15 September 2004 - 01:07 AM
It's so like remembering a dream I don't think I should be proud of it, but I'm definitely not ashamed of it.
Perhaps it's the 'Observer' manner that we see things, most of us are really shy and quiet on the outside. When we do get rowdy and loud, generally we aren't really in control.
So far life has been like a dream for me. Hell, I could remember some dreams more vividly than I can remember my life. Everything seems detached. I am looking at my hands type, but I'm not entirely certain they're mine. I've had thoughts that I could be in a coma in a hospital somewhere (yuhoo, kari!) and my loved ones were beside me. When I awoke, perhaps only a few days had gone by. Either that, or I would be an old man already. I've had thoughts that aliens possessed my body and were using me as a tool to see the world through. I've had thoughts that some one had used voodoo on me.
I've been hit by a car once (rolled onto my back like a tortoise because I was carrying a bloody heavy bag then) and nearly run over more than twice so far, and even then I've had no response, even when the car honked at me a few inches away and the driver gesticulated quite politely that I could go f*** myself. I would, but I don't even know who I am. Or what I am.
My eyes seem covered by something. My senses don't seem to connect. My thoughts don't link like most other people. (It makes me an interesting person, but it's unnatural) I can feel rage, because it's such a deep emotion. I can feel sorrow, because it's equally strong. But I can't feel genuine joy, or even bliss. I have a nice room. I have air-conditioning, a tv, a hi-fi, a computer, a rack, rows and rows of comics and anime, I have posters of my favourite characters on the wall-to anyone watching, I'm 100% normal. My life is pretty good now - if I could just feel that it's mine. Nothing registers. My room feels alien. My walls feel alien. My world feels alien. I think about existence, living, soul, death, dreams, and stuff which would make normal people scream taboo.
I feel like my body is a robot, and I'm somewhere in the back of my head controlling it. I see my shadow, but I wonder if I am my shadow's shadow, and that my shadow is actually the one alive.
I feel like my soul has been broken off from my body, and is floating around in me, separated by another me who loves to rationalise. I see me, but I don't know it's me. I don't think it's me. I could be a separate entity, being a total parasite in a me-like host.
This doesn't make much sense, does it?
But all I can say is, I am glad I found this place.
Posted 17 September 2004 - 10:05 AM
Well, I start to drift off an enter a zone of my own reality where theirs absolute nothingness besides obsessive irrational thought's (all in question form of course), immortal fear and a concerning uprise of panic. When I finally enter that zone I seem to feel as if I'm a character in a pre-recorded film with no end or point called Life. My enviromental surrounding's become foreign & unknown, familiar people become complete stranger's, as do I, my emotion's feel contorted an faded as if i can not regain them and I get an unusual rush of adrenaline that brings me back after about 10 minute's of familiarizing and acquiring my former consious.
So basically, it's a trailer of Hell.
Posted 24 September 2004 - 11:09 AM
I feel weird or different from everyone else - inside
I am able to function very well on the outside - BS'd quiet a few therapist until this last one I have been seeing. She is very unconventional and doesn't miss a trick. She had me pegged day one which ticked me off but intrigued me as well. Anyway she has helped a lot - I'm starting to feel a little.
I have extreme anxiety at times and could swear I am having a heart attack.
I feel like I have totally lost my mind and checked out of this world at times.
Under extreme emotional distress I "leave my body" and don't even feel real or alive.
I have entertained "leaving this world for good" many times - came close to actually going through with it but chickened out at the very end.
Every "romantic" relationship I've ever had has been fake. This one distresses me most because when I am touched I feel absolutley nothing. I can get into the "nuts and bolts" of things I just don't connect emotionally or feel that "tingle" I hear other people talk about.
I don't trust - there are about 2 people in my life that I trust and I can't say I trust them 100%.
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