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An example of healthy boundaries


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#1 Pablo

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Posted 02 August 2010 - 06:28 PM

"Healthy boundaries can be important for maintaining our sense of selfrespect. Sometimes out of insecurity, fear, or a wish to avoid getting angry, we don’t stand up for ourselves when others treat us badly or put us down. Setting a boundary can be a way of standing up for yourself without having to get angry. A story of Martin Luther King, Sr., the father of the famous civil rights leader, who was also a pastor, shows clearly how to use boundaries in this way. Driving down a street in segregated Atlanta with his young son beside him in the front seat, the elder Reverend King accidentally drove past a stop sign. A white police officer pulled up to him and said, “All right, boy, pull over and let me see your license.”

Without any hesitation, Reverend King replied, “Let me make it clear to you that you aren’t talking to a boy. If you persist in referring to me as a boy, I will be forced to act as if I don’t hear a word you are saying.” Setting boundaries often requires some bravery. Given the place and time, Reverend King ran the risk of a violent reaction. Brief moments in which we act with bravery and selfrespect can have surprising effects on our own character and on those around us. The officer was so surprised that he silently wrote a ticket and drove away as quickly as he could.

This is precisely the way to go about setting healthy boundaries. You begin by correcting the person, telling the other how you wish to be treated, or stating what you are or are not willing to do. It can be difficult in the short run to set a clear boundary with someone you care about, but not doing so often leads to many more difficulties over a much longer period of time."

http://www.tricycle....nd?offer=dharma

This article made me think a lot so thought I would share. Perhaps this just relates to my personal situation but I am coming to the view that DP is a defence mechanism so if we could learn to assert our boundaries like this with confidence we would have no need to cut off life with DP any more

#2 ValleyGirl

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Posted 02 August 2010 - 06:49 PM

Can you explain more how you related boundaries to dp? Do you mean to set healthy boundaries with those around us in hopes of building self confidence and achieving recovery?

#3 Pablo

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Posted 02 August 2010 - 07:37 PM

Can you explain more how you related boundaries to dp? Do you mean to set healthy boundaries with those around us in hopes of building self confidence and achieving recovery?


Yeah, I can only speak for myself but there have been times in the past especially when I was young when people haven't treated me with the respect that I deserved and I was made to feel powerless and I think my response was to try to control the situation by spacing out, dissociating and denying that things were happening, rather than asserting my boundaries properly by saying "no" to those people and feeling confident I could deal with people who affront me properly, especially if those people are your carers it becomes very complex. At the time I learned this it was the only option but as an adult it's not the only option as I have more power now to defend myself yet I still act in the same way I learned by dissociating, so one way of breaking free is to learn to be more assertive and how to set my boundaries down so people don't think they can walk all over me, then there will be no need for the unhealthy protection of DP as it will be replaced by a more healthy adult defence. But until the vulnerable part of me knows for sure that it will be defended against properly if attacked I will keep being dissociated as I don't know any other way to stay safe.

#4 ValleyGirl

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Posted 02 August 2010 - 08:00 PM

That is an interesting insight.

#5 missjess

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Posted 21 June 2012 - 01:35 AM

this is so true...from my experience there was a point where I was doing inner child work and dragging myself out there again and attending classes my confidence raised, and I also learnt about boundaries...& I started to use them and to my surprise I COULD DEFEND MYSELF however because dissociation is chronic with me it is almost like an alternate personality and it is very hard to switch that off and realize it's safe to defend myself..

dissociation is what I used when my father would explode at me and of course I was "not allowed" to defend myself or have any boundaries with him if I did he would chase me and physically attack me...I too have learnt that dissociation is how I learnt to deal with ppl treating me with disrespect...hmm I can even think of another clear example when my dad would start his verbal abuse and yelling I dissociated to protect my being!!

#6 wise

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 02:58 AM

Boundaries are crucial for conquering dp. Yes those people used to using you as a doormat will get upset when you assert yourself but you simply must, your life, which is your soul, your 'sense of self' depends on it. DP feels like a soul shattering and that should tell you something, you need to fight for your life by asserting your basic rights as a human being and clarifying boundaries, where you begin and the other ends because otherwise you will end,you will feel like you don't exist as your own separate entity simple as that. DP is not enlightenment, it's defeat. You do not exist for the purpose of another but as someone with free will, you have to make your own choices and not do things out of fear for your survival. Not having boundaries allows someone to continue to take advantage because it benefits them especially when they sense your fear. We can't be naive to how the world is and we have to be warriors and not take things lying down. It's the only way recovery will happen.




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