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why you care about how people view you


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#1 fieldsmatt31

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Posted 10 January 2010 - 01:20 AM

sorry so long. just wanted to talk about something that caused a lot of suffering for me. these are just some ideas i want to share. not trying to convince anyone or make anyone believe things. just hope you can see it for what it is. and hope you have the patience to read it through. again, sorry so long.

first of all, when people feel "depersonalized" they tend to imitate what they think they are or or what they think they should be, mostly depending on how one wants to be perceived. they will try to modify their behaviors, actions, reactions, speech, perspectives, and even their perceptions, all in hopes of trying to become "who they think they are" or a "better version of them self". this is all done in order to produce a more satisfying feeling of self or what is known as "ego feelings". and in actuality, this is a defense mechanism to cope with negative feelings, but ultimately becomes the cause of suffering. one ignores their feelings by trying to replace them with more satisfying feelings. this causes a depletion of emotional awareness. one experiences feelings of estrangement and feelings of alienation from ones self. one then continues trying to develop satisfying feelings resulting in more repression. one can easily become fixated in the vicious cycle.

i think everyone considers how others view them and are more affected by the consideration more than they realize. after all it is what shapes and modifies our ego. people suffering from the repressing affects of trying to "become a better version of themselves" (or "depersonalization") dangerously depend on how they view themselves and even more dangerously, how others view them as well. we try to form an image of our self based on how we view our self and how others may view us. we then try to imitate the self representation described above. we form this "more satisfying image" or a "self representation" of our self in an attempt to experience more pleasurable feelings of self or "ego feelings". we have to realize that we are going to be who we are RIGHT NOW no matter how any one views us, or even how we view our self. you or nothing else can change who you are. you are you NOW. any attempt to interpret who you are into a thought or mental image can be destructive. no matter how well you interpret yourself into thought you will be wrong because it is nothing more than a thought or a mental representation. reality is now. reality is not your interpretation. we can only watch and listen to it and become aware of these "mental conflicts" to allow the conflicts and suffering to cease. conflicts within our ego is the cause of anxiety and "depersonalization". any interpretation or mental image you have of your self is illusive and only causes mental friction. when you develop these satisfying mental images of your self in order to produce more pleasurable feelings about your self ("ego feelings"), you feel like you have to maintain the image and feeling and that causes soo much mental tension. eventually it will collapse. "mental tension" or "mental conflict" only causes anxiety and can cause feelings of dp. so when we try to form these mental representations of our self based on how we, others, and society views us we only hurt our self, especially when one becomes obsessed, frantically trying to figure out who they are. soooo...who cares how other people view us? and why care? it only causes trouble. we have to learn how to not be affected by how others view us. or how we view our self for that matter.

again, we are only trying to form a better self representation of our self so that we can produce more satisfying ego feelings and ultimately become satisfied with our life experience. it seems to me like that is the problem. after our feelings become repressed in the process to do so we experience a depletion of emotional awareness. in other words, in the beginning we ignored the feelings that we did have by trying to replace them with more satisfying ego feelings, and that caused the feelings to become more dull and without contrast. thats why i think trying to form these mental representations of our self based on how we and society views us and trying to produce "better" feelings of our self, is ultimately the cause of suffering.

you may sit alone at home and imagine your self in a situation (social situation or any situation) and watch and observe how you may be viewed in the situation all in order to form a "better" self representation or mental image of your self. or you might try to imitate a mental representation of your self (which is formed by how you and society may view you) by acting out what you think you should be or what you want to be (mental representation). regardless it is illusive, it will lead you into darkness, and it will cause mental conflict, anxiety and eventually feelings of "depersonalization".

-you cant understand your self and what is real, you can only allow your self to become aware of it by watching, listening, and allowing it to be what it is.

1) stop judging and labeling your self. just watch, listen, allow your mind to be calm, to allow your self to become more present with reality.

2) learn how to not consider how other people view you. its only causing problems and it doesnt matter anyway, so why worry about it? you are you no matter what. you're not going to disappear. and trying to put "who you are" into thought will lead you astray and may cause you to confuse it with what is real.

3) if you want to become more aware of who you are, surrender all your attempts and intentions to control and understand who you are. have a little faith, and let go. it is liberating.

-those who seek nothing have everything to gain.

4) stop judging and labeling others too. doing so can help fuel your habit of judging, labeling, and producing self representations of who you think you are. allow your self and others as well to be. nothing you can do to understand you or them. you can only become aware by calming the mind, relaxing, watching and listening and ultimately becoming present with reality or "what is".

#2 Guest_ISTSperson_*

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Posted 10 January 2010 - 01:30 AM

Damm I love irony, but a good post even so. ;)

#3 Rozanne

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Posted 11 January 2010 - 06:29 AM

Self-image is a problem for me and the more I look into it, the more I come to believe that body-image is at the core of relationships, and emotional processing, for without body-image, what can have compassion for what? I think that everyone who is born is given an "earth body", and of course, these come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, have different things happen to them, and so on. But there is something similar in all of the bodies: they are subject to death and have the appearance of that which gives us compassion for others.



the thoughts we have effect our consciousness (Byron Katie, Almaas, that's not my theory, but that's what I believe)
the further your self-image goes away from seeing yourself like others: physically existent, etc
the more distorted your feelings about yourself
the less you can function emotionally

If we make sub-egos up about our earth body - and I think that clinging to the idea "I'm clever" is just a subset of this, the less insight we have into where we fit in, and how to relate to our own suffering.

#4 Mario

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Posted 11 January 2010 - 06:41 AM

I don't care how about people see me.What i care is how about i see myself

#5 fieldsmatt31

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Posted 11 January 2010 - 12:31 PM

Self-image is a problem for me and the more I look into it, the more I come to believe that body-image is at the core of relationships, and emotional processing, for without body-image, what can have compassion for what? I think that everyone who is born is given an "earth body", and of course, these come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, have different things happen to them, and so on. But there is something similar in all of the bodies: they are subject to death and have the appearance of that which gives us compassion for others.



the thoughts we have effect our consciousness (Byron Katie, Almaas, that's not my theory, but that's what I believe)
the further your self-image goes away from seeing yourself like others: physically existent, etc
the more distorted your feelings about yourself
the less you can function emotionally

If we make sub-egos up about our earth body - and I think that clinging to the idea "I'm clever" is just a subset of this, the less insight we have into where we fit in, and how to relate to our own suffering.


i think i can see what you are saying. do you feel like we are all one? sometimes it seems like we are all the same thing, just different. ya every one looks like a diiferent form of the same thing (huamn being), but that is simple to see, it just is. we dont have to think about the sahpe of someone or what someone looks like in order to see it, we can simply open our eyes and become aware of it.

in case you thought i was talking about something else. i was referring to how people view us, or even how we view our self, as what kind of person they/we believe we are. for example, this person is "wise", this person is a happy person, outgoing, or even this person is socially awkward. people put together beleifs they have about someone to form a mental image of who that person is. i feel like we are not that mental image no matter how convincing it might seem because we are not a thought, we are right now.

a big problem that arises from this method of understanding your self is that someone may attempt to be that mental image they have of them self. or they may even attempt to imitate a self image they want to become. when you continuosly try to imitate what you believe you are you cause so much mental tension, anxiety, and ultimately feelings of "depersonalization". because what ever kind of person you think you are, you are wrong, you are not a mental iamge and you can never become a thought. you are you now, no matter what. some times one will produce a satisfying mental representation of themself based on how they interpret them self or how they may be viewed socially and try to maintain that image by cntinuosly modifying their beviors, reactions, etc...that is very misleading and can ultimately cause the ego to collapse.

#6 ripeorrotten

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Posted 15 January 2010 - 11:04 PM

this is shocking because it's me word for word, it's what i do.. you're so wise. aren't we lucky that in this disorder we have the ability to understand what we are feeling and our tendencies and habits in it?

#7 Katezorz

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Posted 16 January 2010 - 01:36 AM

This is very true. I feel like I used to know who I was, but now that I feel so emotionless and zoned out, I find myself trying to mimic who I used to be. This causes even more stress and anxiety because while I can act like the old me, I still don't feel like "me".

Very interesting post, thanks for sharing.

#8 Tim

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Posted 18 January 2010 - 07:43 PM

Great post!

Made me double-check myself, I'm not sure if I'm making a dillisional ego for myself or not. I HAVE been acting differently, but not by the way I VIEW myself but by how I act towards other people. For example I've been allot kinder and more respectfull to people I barley know. I think this has to do with the fact that I don't want people to view me as a freak, or as a bad person, as I'm sure people do. And maybe because when people react to me as a "good kid" (or something) I start to slowly beleive them? Maybe because that response counteracts my parents constantly putting me down? I don't know, something like that.

#9 whatisthis

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 02:12 AM

Wow, insightful post. It's true, I have repressed my emotions and feelings for so long now, that I feel that the cycle cannot be undone. As you stated, "one can easily become fixated in the vicious cycle". Unfortunately I got caught up in that cycle and am constantly fighting the battle to break it. It's become such habit though that I don't know how to "undo" it. I realize there's a point where we just need to let go. I have felt that for so long, but can't seem to let myself go. I remember shortly after I started feeling like this, I had a situation come up where I did let my guard down, I was myself and I was happy. But unfortunately that did not last for long and the vicious cycle started up again. It is now to the point that I feel robotic as if even I were to break free, I would not know how to be myself or for that matter be a person. I feel like I missed out on proper socializing and feel so far gone. Thank you so much for putting what I have felt into words. Now my goal is to let go- have faith. I feel like I need someone to just knock me over the head and say "Wake up!" :)




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