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What its taken


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#1 IQ

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Posted 02 February 2009 - 03:41 AM

It seams, even though I have been denying it for so long, that DP has taken nearly everything from me. Only now after 8 years am I starting to see through the fog, and it scares the shit out of me.

I have lost my whole identity, I have no idea who I am anymore. I pretend to myself that I am a certain person, that I like certain things, or have viewpoints which are close to me. Ultimately I don't. I realise now that this is part of me trying to hold on to some false sense of self, to have seaming control over myself and my life. I have no idea where I have been for my whole life, nothing means anything or makes sense. I thought I questioned my existance, only now do I see that "my" never had anything to do with it.

For so long I have been cheating myself, pushing my problems to the side or ignoring them. Not that I would hope they would go away, just that it came so naturally that it never crossed my mind that I was doing this.

I hate this shit, its taken everything from me. Now it seams I have got so far the truth is too much to handle. Scared to live, scared to die, I drift through my life hiding my real self from the truth. floating on a knifedge between truth and ignorance. I know I have to accept how I got here, but that in itself seams more daunting than its worth.

I feel im destined to be this way for the rest of my life, not because im negative, but it is what I know. It is all I know. I have become a living manifestation of my disociated self, riding on its wave of self denial. To quote a song I hate, I have become comfortably numb.

Is there a point to this? Probably not, however ask yourself this. Do I accept my DP? Or do I disociate myself from it? I know I do, its what im good at.

#2 Matt210

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Posted 02 February 2009 - 01:37 PM

I just wanted to say that your post made me really sad, but that I don't think you need to give up hope. Dissociation does not have to stay a part of your person. I have suffered on and off for 4 years so I can't say I can relate to 8 straight years of this hell - but I know what this stuff can do to you.

Very likely your view of your future and your present being so bleak is an illusion.

Keep looking for new ways to help yourself. Maybe psychoanalytic therapy would be beneficial to you based on your set of symptoms? Or if you aren't a big believer in that, have you found CBT or anything worthwhile? To me it seems you just need to get some questions about yourself answered, and learn to change negative thought patterns.

Just hang in there ok? There is always hope. Even if you felt like this for 40 years - its never to late to get better.

#3 coffeecup

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Posted 02 February 2009 - 01:39 PM

you cant take yourself away from it mate.. its there 24 hours a day (at least with me it is)

terrible thing to say, but booze helps with me immensly, helps ground me and be able to experience life again (even if it is just stuck in my flat listening to some tunes :) )

as for the illness , i think ive reached a point after 7 years of this i finally realise who i really am, maybe its the booze, maybe its the cipramil , but im more at peace with myself than i have ever been in my life. and dont care what anyone thinks of me anymore..

the rest of the world... thats another matter !

:D

#4 Conjurus

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Posted 02 February 2009 - 01:57 PM

you cant take yourself away from it mate.. its there 24 hours a day (at least with me it is)

terrible thing to say, but booze helps with me immensly, helps ground me and be able to experience life again (even if it is just stuck in my flat listening to some tunes :) )

as for the illness , i think ive reached a point after 7 years of this i finally realise who i really am, maybe its the booze, maybe its the cipramil , but im more at peace with myself than i have ever been in my life. and dont care what anyone thinks of me anymore..

the rest of the world... thats another matter !

:D



Booze sounds like a good idea to me.

#5 Guest__*

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Posted 02 February 2009 - 04:37 PM

Self destruction won't get you anywhere Jesse. All this self loathing you guys are doing won't get you anywhere but it's something we all go through...Denying the self loathing won't get you anywhere either....You have to learn to be comfortable with your own vulnerability rather than loathing it before anything good can happen.

You have to go with what you know to be real and start from there. Negativity feeds on itself...You fall for the helpless feelings, you take what is false as real and what is real as false. You gotta challenge that thinking.

You have to be true to yourself and your reality before your reality will be true to you.




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