I have registered here to search for answers. I would like to share my background here really briefly and hope that some people in the forum can help me. my English is not the best as it is not my mother tongue, please be aware.
about my background: I am now 23 years old, my parents divorced when I was 4, I always saw my father on the weekend. i have developed early fears through horror movies and shocker videos on the internet (5-12 years). my father is alcoholic and I have mixed feelings/memories. I didn’t really have a real family life.
my mother has always worked full-time I was often at home alone with my brother until early in the evening. I have missed a lot of love and affection from my mother, you can still see that even today she has difficulties to show real love. I never had a deep relationship with my parents.
when I was 11 years old I started playing computer games, watching porn and satisfying myself. i have played in phases often 12 hours a day for several months. watching TV or playing computer for hours was my everyday life many years since I was 11 years old (that was probably a reaction to processing or fleeing in an unreal world)
so far to my background: these are probably already the traumas from my childhood? lack of affection from my parents and an aggressive father who is always drunk, as well as a disturbed family living (always eating alone at lunch, no one at home and often left on my own)
how I got my dpdr:
when I was 13 years old I started smoking.
from the age of 15 I started taking extasy and amphetamines, since I was 15 I smoked 4-5 bong heads every day.
I took amphetamine and extasy regularly at the age of 15 and I would say both at least 1 times a week.
every weekend I took extasy with 16 years, then with time also in the week. I was on drugs almost every day at school. in the morning at 6 o'clock before school i smoked a bong head and took extasy after school.
I have often taken 4 extasy tablets at once, after that I have to speed up and get stoned anyway, all at the age of 15-17 years.
for a while every day for 1 month I took at least one extasy tablet, permanently so to speak. smoked, occasionally drank alcohol and the amphetamines. I didn’t do it all alone, but I was in a group a crew with 3-4 people. We met every day and hung out together
So I’ve done a lot of damage to my development: extreme amounts of extasy tablets and amphetamines from 15-17 years.
when I was 17 years old I had a panic attack and experienced a derealisation for the first time. i had a fight with my dad (at that time i lived with my dad) and ran away from home and gave me an extasy tablet.
then I got a panic attack after about 2 hours, but only for about 1 minute and the derealisation disappeared again. I didn’t think anything of it (stupid as I was at that young age, completely naive), so I continued to consume as before.
About 3-4 weeks later I was at the club party. I took 2 extasy tablets, and was pretty much on it. when i wanted to follow up (another extasy tablet) the dealer told me he has nothing more. he came back after 15 minutes and said he still has something and gave me a capsule
this was not an extasy as it was also not a tablet but a capsule. i was too much on drugs to notice and took the capsule (huge mistake). as mentioned i had already taken 2 extasy tablet and speed. i do not know until today what was in there but i got the most violent derealisation and a mega panic attack (heart rate 200+?). I ran out of the club to the train station and was scared in front of everyone. everything moved twice as fast as before.
I was scared at every sound or touch. I threw myself on the ground and kept my ears closed because I couldn’t stand it anymore. then I’m hooked up to a buddy there and the derealisation disappeared again. but this time it lasted for a few hours (estimated 2-4 hours).
3-4 weeks later I was in the club celebrating and taking an extasy tablet. but I got a flashback from the trip before after only a few minutes at the club and went to a buddy. the derelisation came back in the club for a few minutes. the derealisation only lasted for a few minutes and I smoked grass with my buddy until early in the morning. i think i even took an extasy tablet but i don’t know that anymore.
I went home with a buddy and I can only describe it this way: I was pushed out of my body into my head. I really noticed how I was being pushed into my head and stuck in my head. right but in my head I noticed my eyes or my field of vision got bigger, as if I could see more (perceive a size angle). it felt like I was just my eyes I was really caught in my head and then I got an extreme panic attack and thought I was dying now.