Ive had what I have been calling derealization for 18 months now. Its not simple and came with other health issues for me, which is making recovery complicated because I keep questioning if is derealization.
I dont experience existential thoughts. I havent ever just laid around dazed out in thought. I have been in pure fight or flight the whole time. I wish my body would do the freeze thing, actually.
I know people are real, have minds, and that I am in this world. I know things are real, they just LOOK really weird. I stare outside and try to figure out how to describe it. Its almost like things are 2D, but I can see there is depth.... I just dont "feel it". I know that when I describe how I see things that people say "yes, thats derealization" but in my mind.... something much worse has gone wrong, ha.... classic, huh? I am even aware that I am in denial of classic symptoms. The light makes it even worse. I started feeling like I was starting to recover a couple of months ago. The feeling of being stuck INSIDE my body during panic attacks started going away. I never felt or experienced being outside my body like people say they do with DP. How common is this to have DR without DP? My body never went numb. My emotions are limited to fear, anger, anxiety, shame, etc. No positive emotions flow through my body even if I think positive thoughts.
What is hard for me is that when I try to do recovery programs I dont relate to many of the experiences. Im not sitting around dwelling on existential thoughts. If anything, I dwell on if this is really Derealization because I dont have depersonalization. I dont have tunnel vision. I dont feel like Im sitting behind my eyes. I just see things in REALLY HIGH DEFINITION....that's it. Its like everything just needs to CALM THE HELL DOWN (sensory overload?).... come down several notches....not be so overbearing. When Im in my house, I feel okay, but not normal....just not as bad as I do outside. Its like Ive adjusted. But as soon as I go outside, I feel like I can feel gravity or something. Its a GROSS feeling.. I remember a youtuber saying that DR felt gross to her and that was a perfect description. I feel like I feel too much energy and everything is just way overstimulating.
IS THIS DEREALIZATION?
Also, I don't question if Im going crazy. I know Im not. Im here, everyone's normal, the world is the same place it always was.... I don't really feel like I'm in another dimension i just feel like I have a really gross feeling, invisible something between me and everything. I know that nobody can tell I'm in this "state". I dont feel like I can "feel" time. I know time is a thing, but I dont sense it. I dont get hungry or thirsty.... but I eat and drink. I actually have taken up eating a whole foods only diet amongst this, trying to heal my gut. Its been way off.
Whatever this isnt as bad at night. I think the light is definitely making it worse. Whatever I started off with was much worse in fluorescent lights even before the DR set in. I would be in the conference room at work every morning wondering why the lights were killing my eyes and then trying to figure out why my vision would go blurry. Then I got where I couldn't hold my head up without propping it on my hand....new headaches, face tingling, neck pain, depression over nothing..... then BAM.... "Derealization" or IS IT?
Now, I crave sunlight in my face. It started a few weeks ago. I want sun in my face....????
Of course, the 12 drs Ive been to dont know what it is or theyre saying its from heavy metals and toxins from pathogens. One said vestibular disorder. We wont go there. I know those thoughts are frowned upon on these boards.
Any feedback on if this sounds like Derealization, regardless of underlying cause, to anyone? Cause if Its not, I can totally leave. LOL.
PS, I know that nobody can diagnose here. I mean purely anecdotal observation and personal experience.